I’ve been harmfree for a couple of months now (I know… yay me, I guess 
) but lately I just want to hurt again… no… wanting is not the right word. It’s more: like I need to. I just feel a general tenseness the entire time, especially in the places that I would usually hurt. My leg, my arm… I’ve even thought about opening up my entire belly so I could just cut out the parts that were too much… Hell… I have let blood come from my breasts… because it’s all too much and I’m too much and too big and all that… but that’s just what 1 voice inside my head wants me to do. It’s the loudest voice, but it’s just 1 voice…
I’ve been trying to be better and to be healthier and to take better care, but even when I do the right things it just seems impossible sometimes. What if this voice never gets quieter? What if this voice wins again? What if this voice wins the ultimate battle? I’ve said it so many times, but I don’t know how long I can keep doing this… because everything seems to become darker… I can feel that I’m slipping more often and that the walls of my own prison are getting more slippery and the grip seems to get lost… During the night I have these nightmares in which I hurt myself, get tortured, get murdered or kill myself. I wake up the next day and just don’t trust myself to do anything until the stress is gone. Hell I don’t even go outside anymore because I can’t get my feet over the threshold. The furthest I’m willing to go lately is the end of the street to dump the trash and then I’m running back inside… Closed curtains so no one can see me and how pathetic I really am…
I know I should go outside more. I know I should interact with people more. I know I should talk with actual people… I am trying to be better with saying what I’m grateful for every day, creating some small things that will make me smile, or sending out small things or interacting with people online. But sometimes it feels like it’s useless, you know?
I’m sorry that my thoughts are all over the place and feel free to ignore this little rant… just needed to get it out of my system.
Hello, @JustAnotherPerson 
Congrats on being a couple months clean, that’s really hard, especially with what you’ve been going through. What you’re describing makes sense, at least to me, because I experienced some very similar things with SI/SH. What you said about nightmares and hiding because of how pathetic you think you are…I can relate to that type of pervasiveness of shame and feeling out of control. But, you’re not pathetic, and you don’t deserve to be experiencing what you are experiencing. I really hope that you are able to reach out and get help if you haven’t already, because what you are dealing with is intense, but can be helped. You said you don’t know how long you can keep doing this, but “keep doing this” is not the only option for your future. I used to have nightmares like that every night for months, and now I rarely have nightmares and that voice is rarely in my life these days, so I believe that there is hope and that there can be so many good things in store for you, too.
If you can, try to do small things for yourself that are kind whenever you feel like harming. It might seem so stupid and like you’re not worth it, but really try to build up yourself slowly to combat the belief that you deserve the hurt and that you are pathetic, because you don’t and you aren’t. You know all these good things you listed for yourself, but it’s okay if you can’t do them all just yet. Trying does add up, I promise, and we don’t think you’re dumb or pathetic for not doing those things. It’s okay to set the bar down at a level you can reach for now.
And know that it’s okay to sometimes feel like it’s useless in the face of such challenges. That doesn’t make it useless, but it does make you stronger for persevering anyway.
Please keep trying, for us and for yourself. You deserve better, and we support and believe in you.
hey, thanks for your response… the help I’m having right now is the one that I’m actually hiding from tbh. I’m very good at hiding away and not being home, to the point of even more selfdestruction maybe. I have tried to do some small things to stop my mind from thinking about harming. Doodling on a piece of paper so that my hands have something to do. crushing a plushie because it will keep my hands from grabbing something… but it’s never enough to let it completely disappear… and besides… it’s not like I can do any of that when I’m in my bed and trying my best not to harm… those moments I’m just laying there, scared of what I might do if I get up… sorry
Maybe one day I will have no urges… But my mind just keeps drifting towards the images and all the things I see I can use someway to shut up that voice and just give in…
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