So this is my first time posting here or anywhere, especially regarding this topic. I recently just went through my second divorce. I left him, shit from my past that I never delt with just became to much and some of things he did triggered old feelings and to be honest feeling those feelings scared me to the point that I left, I quit and refused to try. I don’t know how to forgive those that caused me trauma in my past or how to fogive myself for allowing it to happen and also for the things I did to hurt myself along the way. My mom loves and I mean loves my ex, like he still goes over there for dinner a couple of times a week to eat with my family. My mom thinks I ruined my one chance at pure happiness and refuses to believe anyone else could make me happy. I feel isolated from my family because of this, but also hurt and I guess a little mad as well. I feel like they would rather have him around than me. I have tried to talk to them about this and of course I’m wrong and overreacting. My mom makes it out like a personal attack when ends up with me apologizing. I don’t know how to heal. I tried therapy, it doesn’t work. Maybe because I won’t let it or maybe it’s because I don’t need someone telling me what to do, I need someone that understands and can relate. But I don’t have anyone. I just don’t know. Well, the one thing I do know is I will never be content until I can face all of those things head on. It’s just scary to think I have to do it alone.
I know life’s hard, but so are you darling. I feel isolated from my family too, mostly because they don’t understand why I love the things I do. Family can be great, but can also be a burden. Find a place where you can have some peace and quiet, breathe, and look inside yourself. All you need is yourself to lean on. Face it, and you believe me, you are stronger than you realize. Don’t let your family define you, drag you down. They have their own opinions and that’s just them, that doesn’t make them universally right.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t have to forgive, but wash yourself of yesterday. Moving on from it doesn’t mean you’re saying it was okay.
Work on yourself before you give yourself for another. And remember you’re human. Everything that happens defines who you are, makes you stronger and harder even if you feel weak right ow. You don’t need family or a husband to find happiness.
I believe in you. You’ll be okay. Post on here whenever you want to, ok?
“Sometimes in life, you feel the weight of the world. It can push you down and make you fear it. It can cause stress and pain but in those moments, remember all that you have in your life, and what great things you can do in the future. The feeling of burden may not subside, but the fire you carry in your heart will burn stronger than ever when you live through it. Never let anyone or anything steal your flame.” -Andy Biersack
Hi Ceeja.
I am so sorry that you are going through so much. As I was reading this, I could see so much of myself in what you were saying, as so much of it is a lot like what I have experienced. And I know how hard every part of it can be.
I have also recently went through a divorce, after being married for 13 years. It was something that probably should have happened a lot sooner. There was a lot of unhealthy and toxicity and it often made me feel like someone I didn’t want to be. I was so unhappy.
I don’t know the trauma and hurt you have gone through in your life, but I too have gone through a lot of trauma both in my child and adulthood. For many years I went untreated because I felt like counseling and therapy didn’t help. I had a really bad attitude towards it for a long time. I later realized that it wasn’t that it didn’t help, but that finding a therapist actually is just a process that some times takes time. The first therapist you see may not necessarily be the right person for you. They are like doctors. You have to spend time finding the one that you can best connect to. If you aren’t feeling comfortable with your therapist for whatever reason, then, no, therapy wont work. Don’t be afraid to request another one until you find someone that works for you. It’s stressful. Yes. And it’s extremely emotionally taxing, but in the end it’s so worth it. I had to do the same. I was seeing a woman and she just wasn’t meshing with me, so I went on to find someone else who actually is SO much better for me. I went from having a bad attitude and dreading therapy to looking forward to it. Something to consider
Forgiveness is something that takes time. And took me many years to master. Its hard to learn how to forgive and let go when someone has hurt you so deeply. And self forgiveness can be just as hard. I know that all to well. It’s a process. It takes time, patience and a constant reminder to yourself of what’s important. It’s so much better to work through things and find the ability to forgive so that you can have some inner peace, move on and not live in anger and bitterness which is so easily done. I did it for years and I was so unhappy. Just remember, that forgiving doesn’t mean you have to talk to the person you are forgiving. You can forgive someone and still never talk to them again. But you at least give yourself some closure and inner peace. Maybe some meditation can help you through this process.
My family has really sucked and my mom was much the same with my ex. She even tried to trash talk me to him. Calling me awful names. It sucks when our own families are so hurtful. Something I have learned about family is that, blood family isn’t always what you want but that doesn’t have to be the end. We create our own family through our friends. Our social circles. And the people we surround ourselves with. Surround yourself with people who bring you up and let those be your family and help you through the hardships you are dealing with.
I come from a toxic family so too many times have I gone through being told I am overreacting, or that Im the one in the wrong. I’m sorry that your family is putting you through so much hurt, my friend. I truly am.
Just know that therapy can be so good in working through these things. But you have to find the right therapist. And then you have to learn to trust them work with you through out the process. You have to be willing to be open and honest. Be raw with your feelings and why you feel the way you do. It’s not about your therapist telling you what to do. And that’s something I had to realize. Nobody wants someone telling them how they should live their life. But that’s not what they are there for. They are there to help you work through the things you struggle with. To work together to find something that you feel would be achievable. They are there to help you make small healthy goals and work with you as you get through them. Its not a place of judgement. And if it is, it’s not the right person. I hope that a bad experience with one counselor or even a few wont cause you to give up on therapy all together. Because there is someone out there who is a right fit for you that will be worth trying to find. It does take time.
It takes a lot of hard work to face all of the things you are dealing with. Its a process. But it’s possible. Im going through it myself. And I just hope with all of my heart that you are able to find a way and someone who can be that strength and guidance for you.
Hold fast my friend