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Just venting, same as usual

Well, it’s again the same thing. I just need to drop some of the weight I’m carrying around somewhere from time to time. So sorry I shared about this multiple times already.

I can’t stop engaging in my addictive behaviors. Although I know about the mortality rates I don’t care. I need to numb the pain. It’s unbearable to feel that way all day every day. I’m physically hurting. It’s so heavy on my heart. It’s killing me. It’s eating up my soul. I need the relief, I need to knock myself out. Recovery rates are low anyways, less than half of the sufferers recover fully. This lifestyle isn’t sustainable and I’ll die from it either directly or by suicide. There isn’t anything I can call life. I’m constantly trying to not be in the present moment because it’s unbearable. I’m exhausted and tired of trying to survive and struggling every single day.

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Hi blini.
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Addictions are very hard to fight with. It does not matter what kind of addiction it is, it is always hard. It usually requires more then your will alone. Your will might be strong but it is hardly ever strong enough. Its not your fault, its just how addictions work. When overcoming addiction, support from the people close to you, the right environment and isolation from the drug are extremely important factors. Do you think you have any of those? We will be always here to support you but the support from your loved ones is very important. Safe environtment, i dont know how safe you feel but maybe you need help with that too. And lastly isolation from the drug. Usually your loved ones help you with that but it can be your close friend or someone you trust. Please dont blame yourself. Blame only leads to self hatered and inaction. You deserve to be happy and not to be in this pain. Please seek the help you need blini. I believe in you :hugs:

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Thank you a lot for your reply, Ashwell. I appreciate it.

No, I don’t think so. I’m socially isolated, don’t have any contact to family. I can’t remember the last time I talked to someone in person. It’s not really possible to create a safe environment, which is related to the specifics of the addiction. However, I made negative experiences with inpatient treatment and it’s not available where I live. Though I think the problem is rather that I don’t want to give it up or have it taken away from me. There isn’t even the will to overcome this.

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Well the problem might not be that there is not the will to overcome this, rather there is nothing to feed the will… Let me explain, when there is an addiction it is there because it fills a certain role in your life. It gives you peace, excitement, relief, pleasure, or any of these combined. What it takes away from you is your health, your money, your will to a certain degree and some other situational things. Now lets say that the drug you take gives you realief from pain. The question is if I dont have this drug, what will give me the realief from pain I need? If there isnt an alternative or a very good reason to stop, the will simply cant be that strong. Stopping an addiction simply because it is bad for me is hard especially if one does not have enough self love to back it up. People also give up addictions because of family, love, carrier or any other motive that starts being very important. So ask yourself this question. What does this drug give me that I dont want to give up? because it is not the drug you want, it is what it gives you. An another possible question. Is there something that I want or need that I cant have because of the drug that I use? Just something to think about…

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Thank you. This is a very validating perspective on what adds to the will that is necessary to overcome addiction. I understand why I’m holding onto it so firmly. Being disconnected came into my life during the earliest stage and I’ve felt lonely since. I cannot be with others, not even myself. I need the addictive behaviors to not be in the present moment, because it’s too painful. The addiction is the only thing I can bear to have close to me. Anything else hurts too much. Chances for recovery are low because the opposite of addiction is connection, something that feels entirely out of reach.

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is this the only thing that it could be?
What about freeing up the mental resources and energy to be able to go out and do more fun stuff for yourself?
The physical ability to choose what you want to do for the day (take a short walk, lie on the beach, go to a movie, eat your favourite meal or snack, etc) without having to worry about making time and space for the addicition?

You say less that half recovers. You could be one of those.

@blini I’ve seen how you’ve grown here with us over the past few months. I’m so grateful that you come here and make these posts and trust this space to dump some of the pain and weight from your mind. You’ve been a wonderful presence here, loving and supporting a lot of folks. You are a deserving and worthy human being. You truly matter, friend. Your addiction is not your identity, though I know you feel it is all you have to cling to. You are more than just that, and I know that because you’ve shown your love and empathy here. I want you to be safe, and to be healthy, and to live a life full of good things and warm memories.

Thank you for being here with us. I know there are things that scare you and that make the addiction seem like a safer known spot to be in. We’re here for you. And we’ll be here for you though this journey. Life past addiction is possible, the scariest parts are at the beginning when you’re terrified on “losing” the addiction because it’s become all that you’ve know for so long. Imagine breaking a leg, then using crutches to help you walk as a child. It helps, you have your independence back, things are great. But then you grow older, the body changes and now the crutch is too small, can’t hold your weight. Due to familiarity, you now stand hunched over to keep using the old crutch you had, that you’ve become to see yourself as :the man with the crutch". Maybe there is a better, more beneficial walking stick you could use, maybe you can relearn to walk upright without a crutch. Will it hurt while you do this? Yes. Is it worth trying? Yes.
And you worth it? YES.

We love you, friend.

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This is a very short message on my part tonight, but, I have read your posts and just wanted to send some love your way.

You’re cared for. You’re loved.

I have seen your progress. I understand how much it feels like you are at a crossroad right now between old patterns - yet strong ones- and new possibilities that you start to perceive, and are VERY real too.

I believe in you, @blini. These new doors are not unreachable. Although setbacks are part of the journey too.

Looking forward to talking to you tomorrow, if you’d like to. :hrtlegolove:

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I can’t anymore. I can’t carry the weight anymore. The pain is unbearable. It is there all day every day. There’s no break. I’m so terribly heartbroken. The pain in my chest is back. It’s too much. My situation is unbearable. There aren’t any perspectives. I have a roof over my head for now but that simply isn’t enough. I can’t go through this any longer. I don’t want to. I’m so exhausted and tired. I’m restless all day, trying to distract myself as much as possible. The second the tiniest sign of stillness arises I’m flooded with the pain. I’m still crying every single day. It’s too much. The loneliness is killing me. It’s been there all my life. Today, I gave up a little bit. I want to give up everything. It’s enough. It’s more than I can take.

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we love you so much, and we want you to be safe.

Let’s focus on the next few moments, okay? What can you do for the next few moments to make things better? Can you get to a safe spot in case you need attention or assistance?

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Thank you for your kind words, also those from the above post. I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck. To my knowledge, the only way to get assistance would be to go to a hospital, but this is absolutely not an option. I shouldn’t have posted this, I just don’t want to feel the pain anymore.

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There is no should or shouldn’t when it comes to posting, @blini. It’s okay to be here, even if it is the cause of very mixed feelings. You belong, friend. We care about you.

Are you in need of medical care, right now? You don’t have to go into specifics. I just want to know if you need to see a doctor as a priority right now.

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No, I don’t need medical assistance. My soul is causing the pain.

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Ok, thank you for letting me know. :hrtlegolove:

I wish I could take that pain away for you immediately. Just having a magic wand and making it all more peaceful. More simple.

You are very brave, @blini, do you know that? I know you didn’t ask for it… being in this battle. Feeling like you can’t even sit without feeling restless. Feeling like “rest” is a very, very foreign word. You didn’t ask for all of this shit. I wish there was a way to erase everything and start from a blank page. For you, for me, for so many around here.

I know so little about you and your story, although what I do know and never cease to see, is that you have all that it takes to find your peace again through this mess of pain. Without hurting yourself. It’s like a giant know to untangle. It’s overwhelming, suffocating. And that’s why during those times it’s important to reduce it as the simplest and smallest step possible.

For now, I’d like to invite you to literally shake it out. This pain that you feel in your body, move it out. Get up on your feet, put some powerful music and dance, jump. Shake your arms, your hands, your legs, your shoulders. embrace this body that is yours entirely. It doesn’t belong to the pain. It is not stuck to it. You can prove it to yourself, right now.

Another two very quick actions to take that personally helped me a lot when I am in pain, are the following ones: Treating Trauma: 2 Ways to Help Clients Feel Safe, with Peter Levine - YouTube - I would encourage you to try it out. <3

I know, “another exercise…”, right? Although right now, you are in pain, and there is nothing to lose for trying. Your mind is an amazing tool to learn to navigate this pain. Your body is also your ally. Your imagination and capacity of visualization can be very powerful. I want to encourage you to try to use it today, now, as your soul needs it.

This pain that you feel is very present, but it’s not going to control you. You are safe where you are right now. You are safe with yourself, even if it feels differently.

If I could, I would convey that a little more by sitting with you, with the pain too. Please know it’s still happening, even if it’s only “virtual”. You are not alone. This pain is not going to take the best of you. Nor you, nor your heart or your life. You are so very much more stronger. You will be okay. :hrtlegolove:

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"Walking through fire
You have a friend
Stuck in a nightmare
A light to make it end

You have hope, you have us
We can put it all back together
You have hope
We have trust in you"

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Thank you for the link. I’ll have a look at the exercises.

I don’t manage to do that. I cannot live without it. I’m so devastated. Just thinking of it already brings some relief. My reality is incredibly depressing. Maybe I have to get out of here for a couple of days, but I know the pain would come with me, as would the urges and the compulsion. I cannot handle being stuck anymore. It’s suffocating. The sunny weather makes it even worse. It sets the expectations to go outside and be in the some happy mood. No perspective, no plan, no safety, nothing. I’m not even able to take action because I’m so exhausted and caught up in the pain and the addiction.

I’m so sorry. I don’t know how many times we already had a conversation around this topic.

It seems so out of reach. I’ll be stuck with this so many more days. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second with this is too much.

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Bi blini :slightly_smiling_face:
You are strong and you can do this. I believe in you. Baby steps are important. At first things dont have to get better right away. Maybe just try to stop them from becoming worse and then try to make them better. I will also share a song :wink:

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