Just venting sorry

Hey I’m Ashley. I’m 15 years old and I have been struggling with depression, social anxiety, panic disorder, sleeplessness, night terrors, and stress over school related things since I was 6. I’ve never gone on a forum to talk about things like this so hopefully it helps. Lately over the past month or 2, I’ve been going through some family and relationship issues and the issues were caused by me, and I’m feeling guilt beyond belief and I’ve been thinking suicidal thoughts but I’ve been too scared to actually end my life. But I’ve been cutting my left arm and wrist just enough for it to hurt and bleed because I feel like I deserve it for causing people to have insecurities and sadness about themselves. So far I have 14 cuts and I’m trying to keep it at 14 and no more. My parents don’t know about my relationship and if they find out about it I’ll get beat (again), and they’d try to break us up (again). I’ve done some really bad things over the past few moths to make my boyfriend not believe me when I tell him I love him, and the only thing I can do is give it time. The only person who knows about me cutting myself is him and he asks every morning if I cut myself the night before. It’s been every night for about 2 weeks that I’ve been cutting my wrist and arm, and i have t hide it from my parents or else they’ll force me into therapy, and that’s when the social anxiety kicks in. Every night before he goes to bed he writes basically an essay about whats going through his mind, and i love how he does that but recently I’ve been giving him bad things to write about. There has been something in me that changed really fast that made me want to do the awful things I’m choosing to do, and after I do it I feel like a total failure who doesn’t deserve to live. On top of everything I’m not good at talking to people directly, and lately my boyfriend has been asking me what I see in him and why I love him but it’s almost like i can’t explain it when he asks, he accepts me for who I am and even when he probably shouldn’t be he’s forgiving. I really just don’t deserve to be with him, and I don’t believe I’d want to spend my life with anyone else. You might think I’m too young to say I wanna grow old with him but a want is a want no matter how old you are. I’m trying very hard every night not to get mad at myself while I’m cutting my wrist because I might get too violent and slit an artery… I really wish I could just painlessly die and dissapear and let the people I hurt be happy without me.

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What… you also… you too…

It’s with you too!!?? That when somebody asks that kind of thing that you can’t explain it!!??
You are the only other person than me and my sister I have ever read from or anything that actually undersrands not being able to explain it, like that!!

I can’t really say anything that would help you, but I can tell you that you aren’t the only person going through something liek this, even though that won’t help that much. It makes me sad when I learn of other people going through things like this, but also exited because you kind of seem to kind of think like me so I get exited to meet you because weirdly enough to be you sound like awesome.

The thing is I bite myself on the wrist really hard and everything I do is rude and hurtful (I bet even this post is.) and so I bite myself on the wrist and my parents think I stopped but I didn;t. Also, if they found out I still did it, they would force me into therapy which would be too anxiety-envoking that I would probably break down.

What I read about you made me think about this stuff so I had to say it here and then also that I feel like I can kind of talk to you but I am probably just hurting you by what I’m saying.

I’m a stupid self-centred idiot for talking all about me on here isntead of talking about you.

Anyway:
Here Is a virtual hug for you. I hope it makes you feel at least a little better.

No it’s okay I actually enjoyed reading that.

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Hi, Ash, I am really sorry what has happened to you. Teenager life is hard especially when you have no support! I can totally relate to that, but i just want to let you know- the scenery you are in right now is temporatly, if you look outside and flowing yourself in with your heart, you will find a beautiful and better world. You can make it through!

I can’t say much advice on relationships, but it’s always ok to take a break and take care of yourself first if it’s going bad! There are a lot of ways to find your own support, for me, i personally like to talk to people online when i am running into a hard time since they dk the real identity of me so they won’t judge me. It has helped me going through my high school years.

I wonder if you have any pets? if you do, great, spend some times with your pets will make you feel better even just by touching their fluffy skins.

As what @Wings and @SheetMetalHead said, there are lots of nice people on this forum -“It’s okay to ask for help from counselors, advisors, older students, people on this forum, etc. There’s no shame in it, and there are plenty of resources to support it.”

Ps- Just keep in mind that there are people for you, you are loved, and you are an amazing person!

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As a kid, I didn’t want to talk about my emotional state either. I felt as though either I wouldn’t be taken seriously, or I be made to feel ashamed. Not everyone is an extrovert, and introverts are prone to social anxiety issues.

Everyone has both good and bad thoughts, and many would be terrified to share the bad ones. Thing is, bad thoughts have nothing to do with the kind of person you are. It’s the thoughts that you act upon that reveal your true nature. If you were a total failure, you wouldn’t be here now. You are surviving, and you’re still capable of feeling love. That alone is evidence that you’re not a failure, regardless of how many things are bothering you.

Therapy may be more or less helpful, but is definitely nothing to fear. I think you probably realize, that cutting is not a good long-term coping strategy.

Tell your boyfriend that you appreciate his patience, and let them know that he will probably need to be patient for a while longer.

It sounds like it’s in your best interest to avoid confrontations with your parents.

You are causing no one to have insecurities. They may not feel secure in how they deal with you, and even that is their responsibility, not yours. There are others around you who are suffering and not talking about it. Perhaps you can find someone with whom you can share mutual support.

You feel as though you have been acting out a bit, or doing “bad things?” I would suggest that you forgive yourself, but I doubt that you have done anything that warrants condemnation. Still, if you have self-directed anger, forgive yourself. I think the bad things that you mentioned, and the cutting, are both responses to emotional pain.

If you died and disappeared, even the people you hurt would be unhappy. No doubt you have frequently heard that you should treat others as you would have them treat you. Yet, it’s imperative that you treat yourself as well as you wish to treat others. You also deserve the compassion and acceptance that you would share with others. If you shame yourself or beat yourself up emotionally, you will have taken away your confidence in the ability to make positive changes.

Your life isn’t easy, but take it one day at a time, focusing on how to manage the present moment in a way that benefits you and those around you the most.

You’ve been dealing with a lot of ongoing issues, and have made it this far. In a short time, although it may seem like a longer time (less than three years), circumstances will change, and you will be more independent. So, hang in there! Were pulling for you!

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