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Just venting

Hi, I’m sorry I dont plan on staying, despite this community looking very welcoming. I just need to get things off my chest and hopefully read some much needed advice.

To make things simple, I’ve been feeling stuck both physically and mentally. I have a loving wife and we made a beautiful, healthy daughter. I work 2 jobs, I’m attending drivers ed so I may finally get my license and I have plans to go back to school to get my diploma. Some would say I’m on the right track, but I dont feel like I am at all lately. I was born with bipolar disorder, from my mother, and around my early to late teens developed anxiety and hyperthyroidism which, in turn, left me to develop tachycardia and other health related issues pertaining to my heart. My aunt passed away when I was kid so that most likely pushed my depression to the max, we were literally bestfriends. I promised to make her proud, but I just became another statistic. At age 14 I lost my “v-card” and entered a bad phase of sleeping around. Around 15 I started to get in a bad chain smoking habit and it wasn’t until I was about 17-19 I developed an addiction to cocaine, meth and synthetic cannabis. A horrible, and literal, triple threat. Long story short, I started getting into a bad place after that, mostly because of my hometown and the demographic that resides in it, OD’d a few times with the last one being my wake up call (I fractured my head, broke 2 teeth and have a constant slur & lazy eye) and started to realize that this isn’t my aunt wanted. Fast forward to now, despite the fact that I have good things to look forward to, I still feel stuck. I’m sober now, but I still have bipolar disorder, I still have heart problems, I still chainsmoke and I still have a beaten up brain that can barely remember anything anymore. I’ve been trying to do better and I’ve been trying to stay strong, but lately I feel like what’s the point anymore? It seems like every time I move forward, my doubts and past push me back. Sorry for the rant, just feels good to finally say everything that’s been on my mind.

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Glad you found a place to come to, I hope everything works out!

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I’ve read your rant and I appreciate you sharing. Your issues sound pretty complex and I feel like you have highlighted and it seems like not much light is creeping through. You’re absolutely entitled to vent here however you want but the past is heavy. I’m trying to comprehend how to let go of my own past. You’ve got to stay sober for you. You have to take care of you. You’ve got to dig down deep and know that you’re important and you can still make your Aunt proud. You might always have physical or mental illness but you can never get this moment back or tomorrow or the next thing you have planned. Keep pushing for yourself. Keep looking for something or someone to help. Read something, go to a concert, face a fear, tell someone something you’ve been holding on to. It took a lot of courage to come here and starting is the hard part. I’m saying things I wish someone would say to me, haha. Consciously choose to focus on the good and the seemingly “bad” will fade a bit. I hope to hear from ya.