Hi, I’m sorry I dont plan on staying, despite this community looking very welcoming. I just need to get things off my chest and hopefully read some much needed advice.
To make things simple, I’ve been feeling stuck both physically and mentally. I have a loving wife and we made a beautiful, healthy daughter. I work 2 jobs, I’m attending drivers ed so I may finally get my license and I have plans to go back to school to get my diploma. Some would say I’m on the right track, but I dont feel like I am at all lately. I was born with bipolar disorder, from my mother, and around my early to late teens developed anxiety and hyperthyroidism which, in turn, left me to develop tachycardia and other health related issues pertaining to my heart. My aunt passed away when I was kid so that most likely pushed my depression to the max, we were literally bestfriends. I promised to make her proud, but I just became another statistic. At age 14 I lost my “v-card” and entered a bad phase of sleeping around. Around 15 I started to get in a bad chain smoking habit and it wasn’t until I was about 17-19 I developed an addiction to cocaine, meth and synthetic cannabis. A horrible, and literal, triple threat. Long story short, I started getting into a bad place after that, mostly because of my hometown and the demographic that resides in it, OD’d a few times with the last one being my wake up call (I fractured my head, broke 2 teeth and have a constant slur & lazy eye) and started to realize that this isn’t my aunt wanted. Fast forward to now, despite the fact that I have good things to look forward to, I still feel stuck. I’m sober now, but I still have bipolar disorder, I still have heart problems, I still chainsmoke and I still have a beaten up brain that can barely remember anything anymore. I’ve been trying to do better and I’ve been trying to stay strong, but lately I feel like what’s the point anymore? It seems like every time I move forward, my doubts and past push me back. Sorry for the rant, just feels good to finally say everything that’s been on my mind.