Every time, I get sad, I find myself thinking about everything I’ve been through. So I just wanted to write it all down for once, instead of just thinking about.
Hi, I’m a 15 year old german girl. Throughout out my life, I’ve been called many different things; Attention whore, ugly, fat, etc. Surprisingly, mostly by adults, though.
Today, I started my ‘second year’ of high school. Or simply, for me, the last year I will be in my current school, before graduating. I’m both excited and nervous. Excited about what comes after. But also very anxious, because I still don’t know what I wanna do. Too much is clouding my head and currently, I can’t even picture myself being grown up, having a job or just making it through this year in general. But I am trying my best, to work on myself and to stay strong.
I hadn’t had it easy from a young age. I am hearing-disabled and was made fun of for it a lot(people stealing my stuff, for me to hear better, that was expensive) and was also toyed with a lot, giving me serious trust issues. I also couldn’t eat a lot of stuff, because my body would end up getting sick from it(although that has beeb fixed by now.), the other kids would often mock me with it.
My best friend left me without any apparent reason, ignoring me for years.
Once I made it to 5th grade, I met my current friends. We got along so amazing! I actually felt happy for a bit. But I’ve always had troubles with standing up for myself or just talking to people in general, so school put a lot of stress on me. A boy, I once considered my family, bullied me a lot, always making fun of me. Soon, school became hell. I got sick a lot. People assumed things, started spreading rumours, that I’m skipping school. Or acted like I was not present, when I was, completely ignoring my presence.
6th grade was pretty much the same.
In 7th grade, everything started going down even more. I think, it was also the year, my depression started to develop heavily.
My mother started yelling at me, when I felt sick. Looking back, it’s clear she felt helpless and frustrated. But it still doesn’t excuse her behaviour and her taking out on her anger on, on my opinion. I remember having many break downs right before school, but having to swallow my tears, in fear of my mother getting mad at me. It was honestly a never ending circle.
The following years, things started to get worse and worse. My trust had been broken several times, I started to develop a heavy fear of fights and arguments, I had to witness, how jealousy can turn people into something really, really ugly. I almost lost people to suicide, several times. My mother began to became more and more toxic, taking out her anger and frustration on me. I started self-harming at some point, my mom found out and began yelling at me again. And now, I am extremely terrified to bring up the topic every again. She never believed, something was wrong with me and blamed it all hormones. I’ve been manipulated by people I thought I could trust. I’ve been replaced, forgotten. I was told, by someone close to me, I don’t deserve to have good grades. I’ve been called fat, by people close to me. I’ve been told to shut up and that nobody cares about what I have to say, so many times. All, by people I thought loved me or cared about me.
I just wonder, do I deserve all this? I don’t think I do. I don’t think anybody does. So, why?