My brain hurts. I want dead. Please and thank you.
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Someone distract me please.
Hey friend,
Thank you so much for reaching out. Would you like to talk about what’s going on?
I care about you. If you are not safe, please reach out to a crisis line as well. You deserve to be helped and supported as much as you need.
It’s been a couple hours since you’ve posted and I hope you’re okay right now. Thinking of you. 
I cut my neck.
It isn’t bad but it’s just below the dermis
Idk how I’m going to hide this
I don’t know if I want to stop. Maybe this is my only chance.
Hey friend. You’ll need to reach out to someone who can be physically there for you. Please use the crisis resources. Your pain is real, valid, and intense, which is why it will be important for you to slow down and give yourself time, as much as possible. Please stay away from anything harmful and ask for help to someone in your life. You deserve to be safe. You don’t deserve any harm. We love you and care about you a lot.
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I’m sorry, idk what to say because I feel like if I say something I’ll say everything and it will just be nonsense of thoughts that repeat in my head over and over. I don’t want someone psychically here to help me because I don’t want to cause trouble or burden anyone, and I don’t have time for anything because school which is why I’m having these breakdowns. The cuts are okay and healing fast, I take supplements so by the end of today they should look like scratches. Hopefully they’ll be gone by sat/sun because I really don’t want my mom to find out. This is the first time in years since I’ve relapsed, and I don’t want this. I had to force myself to stop doing it and go to bed, I think Kio forced me to stop with the last bit of control he had, I block my headmates when I’m in extreme stress so it’s hard for them to help me. But they are all I want to see right now. Which is the most frustrating. I don’t want to suffer, and I don’t like suffering, I just want my headmates back. All I can hear rn is the toxic one that we kicked out I’m blocking the rest of them. I wish life would just slow down though. That would be nice.
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Thank you so much for sharing some updates. I’m glad to read that the cuts are not too deep and you’re really taking care of it. You deserve to be safe and heal from what happened. 
You know, it’s okay to have breakdowns, even if it hurts and even if we wish not to have any. There are times when our life feels really heavy, and breakdowns like these are the only way that our mind finds to release the pressure. It’s why it’s so important to make sure safety remains a priority during these moments. They’re not meant to last. But they can be pretty intense.
I wish life would just slow down though. That would be nice.
What a mood. Seriously, I feel for you, and I’m standing right there next to you with this wish that life could just slow down sometimes. It’s so exhausting to feel like you’re constantly running after yourself, constantly making efforts to handle your responsibilities and commitments, to constantly work on yourself and try to improve what needs to be improved…
I hear you about school and I’m sorry it has taken so much of your time and your energy. It’s a big commitment in itself and repeated assignments can be very stressful. However, make sure to give room for yourself too. Your well-being is still a priority, and never a waste of time. 10 minutes here and there to breathe, taking the calm and long road while coming back to home, waking up a little bit earlier to do something you enjoy… These are little things to implement to your daily routine in order to make it less exhausting. It’s so important to preserve and cherish moments when you can recharge, as being productive anyway requires you to be okay and rested too.
I’m very greatful that your headmates are a safety net for you. Kio did an amazing job at supporting you and reminding you that you were in control. As for the one who is very toxic, I can only imagine how hard it must be to have to deal with their constant hatred/toxicity. If it can help, feel free to let it out right here. It doesn’t have to be a conversation only between you two, and you don’t need to endure alone. We’re here for you as well, especially if it can be a safety net of some sort until your headmates are back.
You are struggling but you also understand yourself very well. You are not alone. You are safe right now. You will be okay. None of this make you a burden and you are not causing any trouble. People who want to be there for you do it willingfully.
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Yea, idk today was a really stressful week. But apparently it wasn’t just me, it was everyone. Idk if you’ve felt it but have you been more stressed this week? I beleive in a tiny range of spiritual stuff, nothing religious, but I remember hearing a month ago about an energy shift happening in July. I kinda forgot about it until today when all this shit happened. It’s been through this whole school. First classmates talking others down and bursting into anger. Then these tests randomly pop up, next day our teacher has an anger outburst at my friend for accidently doing something, next shift of husbandry students (it’s finally over for me) parking all in the wrong spots out of spite of other students. Idk if it’s this vaccine shit or energy levels raised again. But for some reason it wasn’t just me.
Anyways, yea, I told my mom it was just from bathing cats so I got it covered up enough. Idk if I can heal from it because I’m so fucking anxious. I feel like my stomach is going to release all its contents as soon as I get home. My friend says I might be overworking myself, rushing too much and need to take a break. But this school doesn’t give you breaks which is why I’m so exaughsted. Lol, I’m actually looking forward to work tommorrow because it is NOTHING like husbandry. Though I think I will feel even sicker tommorow. I kinda wanna throw up.
I love cherishing the good times, but I also fear the bad. I fear everything coming to an end horribly, so I want to just end it myself. Maybe on a happy day. Idk. Even through going through all this shit I had to worry about my professor, my friends, and my other classmates. I don’t want them to feel the pain I’m going through and that hurts me even more.
I wish my headmates were a constant safety net, but instead they are kinda hanging on the ledge, just barely holding on because I push them back so much, Kio was able to make that last jump before the door closed on him, but it was enough to stop me. They dissapear when I am like this, so it makes it even more difficult because all I can hear is the toxic ones voice. The toxic one has actually been giving me advice latley, other than to kill myself. Idk why. I think Syra is controlling their emotions because I can feel when this one fights against Syra. Maybe it knows it will just get thrown back into the cage if it keeps hurting us. I’m not supposed to talk to it, but when I’m going through serious shit everyone turns off and it’s just me and them. They can be very unemotional to everything but that’s why they can help me. Yesterday they told me I was being stupid for hurting myself and gave me advice on how to control myself.
“Remember what we used to do? Breath in, hold it, then breath out, emotion can be controlled, but you don’t have to have any because I’m here.” but idk if they meant that. I think they were just saying it because they themselves don’t want to die yet. Idk, they’ve done horrible things to me, and tried to make me do horrible things to others so I’m not about to just let them in. But thank you, I’d really appreciate a safe net.
My friends immediatly took notice of the cuts on my neck today, and they told me “idc if you hide it we are talking about this later.” So it’s nice that people actually care about me. I’m just scared of people caring about me. They know that too. They know I’m scared of everything but try to hide it. I just wonder if I’m hiding it well enough… I always get scared of becoming friends with someone and ruining it because I’m asking for too much or I’m giving too much or I’m just too awkward or I’m too loud or too quiet etcetcetc. I forget my self worth because I want to be happy with them and just be with them and I forget about myself in the mix of all that, and get confused when they ask about me. It’s weird. This is why I like the innerworld lol.
I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel okay, but the only time I do is when I’m asleep. I saw Niko the other night in one of my dreams and cried. Nothing bad happened, I was just happy to see him, see someone. See any familiar face in the system. It scares me when they leave idk how to handle things by myself. I want to go to the innerworld again, but I missed the call from it a few weeks ago so I haven’t gotten pulled back into it at all. I love that place more than the outerworld, the outerworld scares me. Things can be so complicated there, and I just want things to be happy. I just want to see everyone happy. Idk if that’s normal, but, I just wish this world was a better place. Idk how we can fix it tho.
You’re right, I just stress too much, ecspecially this week. thank you for being here for me.
-X
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