King of Negativity

I’m hating myself more and more each day. I don’t have anything positive going on in my life that’s truly making a difference or not making me wish I never existed.
My entire life has been mostly pain. I’ve had some good moments, but the negative ones have affected me more. I can’t be what everyone wants me to be. I can’t just BE happy or BE positive. I hate this fucking world. I hate all the people who are making it worse to live in each day. I have all the shit I had to grow up with. If I could, I would have wiped all my enemies out of existence long ago, but I’m no supervillain. I’m no hero either. I just hate not being able to be happy for any reason. God damn all the fucking shiny happy people who get to be positive in spite of the shit they deal with. I don’t have too many friends anymore, and because of COVID we all lose touch. The shit I’m dealing with, anything I say comes off as an attack. I have to apologize for living. I don’t want to have to keep apologizing for living. I can’t be proud of anything anymore. I can’t create. I don’t feel like gaming. I don’t even feel like doing anything that used to be fun for me. I hate working, but I have to keep doing this to sustain my existance, or lose everything. I hate So much. I have so much anger in me, and I just need to release it, get rid of it. unleash it on a deserving target, kill a villain, something useful that will make me feel better. Even if I die, I would die a fucking hero. I’m tired of being looked down on. I’ve dealt with that my whole life. I just want to hurt people and get back at the world so I don’t have to hurt anymore. FUCK THE WORLD!

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Hey @cmscalvert,

Thank you so much for being here. I see you. I hear you. Your message is a raw expression of your pain, of your desire to feel and live like people who don’t have to carry the same burdens as you. I wish you didn’t have to deal with such intense emotions, friend. I know it feels terrible when we have to deal with the injustice of knowing happiness more as a concept than an experience. Hopefully writing down all of this will help you to exorcise those emotions, even just a little bit, especially since it sounds that you’ve carried this weight by yourself for a long time now.

I’ve read your other post and the parts of your story that you shared here and there. You’ve been doing a lot to survive, to heal, to find this peace that you always deserved. It makes sense to carry this anger, this eager to feel something different. You’re also really aware of how you react, how people react, and it sounds that despite all of this pain you keep trying to give grace to the people around you. As I hear on your posts, you’ve been doing a lot lately to receive the support you need. Seeing a therapist especially is a huge step. I finally tamed my own fears and did the same as you this year. It’s not easy, not comfortable, oftentimes it’s even more painful than before I got back to therapy. But we need to give ourselves some grace while we’re doing this. As much as the word patience is frustrating to hear, especially when you’ve spent so many years dealing with your struggles on your own, time is still a good ally when it’s about healing wounds of our soul. It’s human to have those emotional outburst and have a hard time to know what to do to help yourself. It’s also okay to break this journey as a lot of very small steps, with the help of your therapist.

This world sucks on so many aspects. There’s so much unnecessary pain and violence, so much injustice and people abusing of their power. I’m truly sorry that people hurt you before. Your struggles are absolutely not meaningless and you don’t have to apologize for living. The revenge from all of this will be to learn to build this peace in your heart that you always needed. This chaos, this pain don’t belong to you. I don’t know you, but I see you right now and I believe in you. You’ve been taking important steps this year. It’s okay to have deep moments of doubts and frustration. But please keep walking on the path you’ve created this year.

On a different note, and for what it’s worth, what you said about happiness is something that truly resonates with my heart. I’ve been strugglinng with a persistent depressive disorder for a long time now, and it makes it almost impossible to feel emotions beyond the range of sadness and melancholia. At best, it’s numbness. Though I’ve learned progressively to seek moments when I feel alive rather than happy. It often goes along with simple and little joys - embracing the sensation of the wind on my skin, noticing the smile of a child, setting cozy evenings and doing something creative… Do you have simple pleasures like that? Not hobbies or things you were used to do before, but things that are easily accessible and make you feel connected to the present moment. It’s often worth it to pay more attention, consciously, to those little sparks during our day. Just because when we’re very depressed or dealing with intense emotions, we’re likely to see the world through a veil that makes everything unreachable.

If you need to vent and keep letting things off your chest, know that this is a safe place.
It feels lonely to deal with such raw emotions, but you are not alone friend.

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Thank you for hearing me out and listening to my stories. I appreciate it. I feel bad for anyone who has to go through the same stuff I am, especially during “unprecedented times”.
As far as your question, there’s nothing I can really connect to feeling “alive”. I have momentary distractions, like watching TV or youtube videos, or petting my cat, but everything else is a responsibility.
I take my girlfriend to and from work so she doesn’t have to ride the bus or lyft and potentially get sick. I cook for us both so that she has energy for work and good meals when I am able to cook (and even when I have to go get takeout). I work 8-9 hours a day, thankfully from home, but still dealing with alot of problems that come in, and it can be overwhelming. I’ve been doing that for 11 years as of this Friday. Couple that with all the usual adulting stuff like groceries, car care, mortgage payment, utility bills, home maintenance, and I’m exhausted. I’m lucky I don’t have kids or it would be that much worse. I didn’t even want to decorate for xmas this year. My mom bugged me for a week and I put up the fake tree with lights finally. I wrote 2 songs this week, one about a friendship of 20 years that went sour, and one that expresses my desire to end it, and why. I have more, but I still have to make the actual music and that’s alot of work that I’m not sure I feel like doing.
There were 2 things that happened on twitter the other days this week and that really got me down, one for something someone said, and another for something I did wrong, but still apologized for. Im not sure if I should post them in this thread or start a new one, but they do relate to what I posted. Let me know how you think I should proceed.


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