The last few holidays I have spent alone. not just because of covid, but because of cutting out toxic (abusive) relatives, which is literally all of them. Either they directly abused me, or defended the people who abused me, or defended the people who defended the people who abused me. Another reason I have been alone the last few holidays is because my husband and in laws live in another country. For the first time in my life, I have people who truly love and care about me.
I applied for immigration to move from Los Angeles to Ireland, so this should be the last holiday I spend alone and I cannot wait for that. But there is still a part of me that grieves for that abusive family. Not who they were, but who they should have been. I wish things had been different. I still wish I could have made them love me. Sometimes I still wonder if it was something I did that made them mistreat me so much. I wish they would have taken my side rather than blame me for the abuse I went through. They also blamed me for the abuse other kids in the family went through after I was abused. I was told if I came forward, he wouldn’t have had a chance to hurt them. I blamed myself for that for years, but it hear it come from people I thought loved me, killed me. I struggled with self harm and eating disorders for over 20 years because it was the only way I could cope with everything. I have been in recovery for years now and it was finally part of why I had to leave them behind. I know I can’t change them, what happened, or that they will never be sorry or care, and that hurts more than anything. I am happy I have an amazing husband and amazing family waiting for me, but it still hurts. I just wanted to get this out because it hurts, no matter how much I try to think myself out of it.
Thanks for listening.
xo, Tea Jay