@kitboga Holidays havent been great lately, but hopefully next year will be better

The last few holidays I have spent alone. not just because of covid, but because of cutting out toxic (abusive) relatives, which is literally all of them. Either they directly abused me, or defended the people who abused me, or defended the people who defended the people who abused me. Another reason I have been alone the last few holidays is because my husband and in laws live in another country. For the first time in my life, I have people who truly love and care about me.

I applied for immigration to move from Los Angeles to Ireland, so this should be the last holiday I spend alone and I cannot wait for that. But there is still a part of me that grieves for that abusive family. Not who they were, but who they should have been. I wish things had been different. I still wish I could have made them love me. Sometimes I still wonder if it was something I did that made them mistreat me so much. I wish they would have taken my side rather than blame me for the abuse I went through. They also blamed me for the abuse other kids in the family went through after I was abused. I was told if I came forward, he wouldn’t have had a chance to hurt them. I blamed myself for that for years, but it hear it come from people I thought loved me, killed me. I struggled with self harm and eating disorders for over 20 years because it was the only way I could cope with everything. I have been in recovery for years now and it was finally part of why I had to leave them behind. I know I can’t change them, what happened, or that they will never be sorry or care, and that hurts more than anything. I am happy I have an amazing husband and amazing family waiting for me, but it still hurts. I just wanted to get this out because it hurts, no matter how much I try to think myself out of it.

Thanks for listening.

xo, Tea Jay


Hey Tea Jay,

The holidays can be the best time for some and really can be the worst for others. Made even worst by knowing others are having such a good time so I feel your pain. If this is the last one though , be strong , get through this and the hardship of this one will make the next even better !

I’m sorry that your family are toxic but you should be incredibly proud for cutting them out. So many people stick with it because they are family , but they are my blood. No! If people are terrible , no matter who they are, no one should have to put up with that . So well done and I’m glad you free.
You have your new family now and if they shower you with kindness and love then they are the only family that matters.

I know how you mean with the guilt and blaming yourself , this will never go away but that shows just how much of a caring person you are and you should not feel bad about this. It’s sad and a shame it can’t be the way you wish it to be , but it’s so hard to change other people , we can only change ourselves. So try to be happy in the moment and moving away sounds like a good plan and the goal to your happiness.

Good luck for next year , keep us posted. I would love to hear how your first new Irish holiday goes and stay strong. Not long now and your be living your best live. You got this :slightly_smiling_face:

Dear @xo_tea_jay,

It is a real honor to have the possibility of reading your post and getting to know you a little more. Thank you for being here and taking this step.

My heart goes out to you so very much, as a lot of what you have shared, of how you feel, really speaks to me. My mom has been very abusive and violent as my siblings and I grew up. It’s been a little more than a year now that I have cut out our relationship , then did the same with my dad. Last year, the Christmas holidays were very painful for this reason. I have a partner who supports me and loves me, but a part of my heart felt and still feels very broken, for as you said very rightfully, I am grieving what could have been if only she was different/got the help she needed.

Grieving for the child that we were is heartbreaking. We acknowledge all the needs that should have been met. All the times we were dismissed, hurt and blamed for something that wasn’t our fault nor our responsibility. We realize how all of this has impacted us through the years, and sticks with us in the present. I feel that pain too, and I wish I could just give a giant hug to remind you that, through all of this and despite it all, you will be okay.

I am so very grateful for your husband and the perspective you are holding on to. Also so proud of you for your recovery regarding self-harm and eating disorders. The second ones have been one of my coping mechanisms for more than a decade. I know it feels very hopeless once we hit rock bottom and don’t know how to get out of this vicious cycle. But you’ve done it. You’ve taken some major decisions and have worked on making your own environment healthier, including relationships-wise. That is something that YOU own. It is YOUR progress. You can be so freaking proud of yourself for it.

It is unfair that the people who are supposed to nurture us, love us unconditionally and make us feel safe are sometimes the ones who actually made us learn what fear is, or even to be ashamed of who we are. In the end, “family” is not something to take for granted. Actually, it is how we personally define it that matters the most. You have a family today with your husband, even if for now you are living far away from each other. I have to say that I am so excited for you both, as living together seems to be the next step for you, and something that is surely going to help in so many ways. For you to embrace the genuine love that is available for you, but also to unfold your wings and live even more the life you aspire to have.

This is a time of transition, a time of rebirth. There are good things ahead my friend. In the meantime, make sure to take care of yourself, to treat yourself as you deserve, especially during the holidays that bring its share of grief to our hearts.

I’m looking forward to reading some life updates from you in the future, if you are comfortable with it.
You are loved dearly. :hrtlegolove:

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