Hey @Princessookami,
I’m so grateful for you and the fact that you keep trusting this community by sharing your heart. As Sita described, you are in the middle of the storm right now. It’s hard to breathe, hard to find time to really have a break, hard to slow down while all that you want is just sleep and not having to feel all of this.
Only two weeks after my brother passed away, my sister got married. It was planned a while ago of course and even though she thought about canceling it, it was just out of the question. Unfortunately, our parents didn’t travel to attend the celebration, so I was the only one in our family. It was a small, intimate celebration, but sitting there, as a witness, next to the chair my brother should have been sitting on, felt like being in a completely different reality.
When we are caught on the train of life and have not (yet) the space we need to slow down and grieve, everything feels too much and also unreal. It’s only months after, once at home and settled again into my own routines, that I have realized how much the month following my brother’s passing was completely crazy, that I was disconnected most of the time, but also feeling everything very deeply.
You will know other seasons after this one. Grief really is a journey during which we learn to give a new space to every little thing, every little memory, every space and time we have shared with the person we have lost. It takes time. Sometimes it feels like moving backwards as the pain strikes deeply. Sometimes it brings very conflictual feelings. But it is, all in all, a succession of seasons through which we learn to cope, live with the pain, and live for ourselves too.
I am sure you dad would have appreciated the gift and card you got for him. What a sweet, loving attention.
Take care, friend. There is no right or wrong way to feel. And when your heart is grieving, you are not required to perform or act as if you were not - even if our society tends to make us believe the opposite.
You are in my thoughts.