@Kitboga I have recently in the past couple of years my life is changing in a way I don’t like for starter for one i kind of feel alone sometime because in 2019 my dad passed away but in time I still feel like i have changed So much I’ve become more mature at the same time I feel like I have become more worried about things I shouldn’t have to be worried about For example when My dad passed i never got to say goodbye to him I couldn’t really talk to her about anything that has to involve conflict I’m not sure what to do I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong by asking her to kind of open up to me because I feel like I’ve become less Close to my mom in ways that I used to and I’m afraid with the future may hold if this continues to happen I only want the best for my family and I know things can’t stay the same forever what is your advice on what I should do possibly I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings in the process any ideas?
Hey @Fanofappleinc,
My deepest condolences for the loss of your dad. It must have been some very intense time for you following his disappearance.
After losing my brother, I have felt a lot of what you describe here. It has been both a very painful and disturbing time, but it’s been also very life-changing and eye opening too. I’ve grown in ways I never did before, which has a bittersweet taste sometimes - I wish he could see me today. I have started to focus more on more on what I want and what I don’t want in this life, on working on myself and trying to become the person I want to be. Losing someone so close to us really shakes our world and makes us reconsider many things that we could have taken for granted before, or things we were burdening ourselves with while that wasn’t necessary. To me personally, I have craved for more and more simplicity, and the possibility to focus on what is really essential in life - love being absolutely part of it.
As for your relationship with your mom, I would encourage you to simply share what’s on your heart because it can’t be wrong. It’s about how you feel. The fact that you are afraid of being less close to her is not something to be ashamed or afraid of. She may or may not be willing to hear it, but I think it’s very important for her to at least be aware of how it feels on your end. It doesn’t have to come off as accusations or anything. After all, it’s about love and affection. Reminding her of how much you care for her and would like the both of you to share a little more things together is a great manifestation of that love. If she doesn’t want to open up about how she feels, you cannot force her of course and her boundaries have to be respected. But it is possible that she feels the same way as you do, and share the same fears as well. Communicating authentically, sharing your vulnerbaility, is like opening a door that offer new possibilities. The worst things in this kind of situation is to stay stuck with what we assume regarding how others could feel.
A dramatic loss like the one you have known can also create more discomfort and push people to focus a little more on themselves, on how they process their own grief individually. Now might be a good time to start trying to reconnect with your mom, but also the people you miss. And sometimes, when we don’t know how to proceed or when we’re not used to talk openly, it helps to simply write down a letter. In my own family, we have always been very bad at sharing feelings with each other. However, when I have started to break down this wall a little bit, I have seen how much everyone had something to say and share, and that we’re just all more comfortable and better at doing it through written words. It gives us the opportunity to think about the words we want to use, to reflect on how we feel and process it at our own pace too. So, if that’s an idea you would be willing to give a try, then please feel absolutely free to share it here if you’d like some feedback first. We can totally support you that way as well. To help you figure out, practically, what you’d like to say to your mom, and how you’d like to express it.
It breaks my heart as well that you didn’t have the opportunity to say goodbye to your dad. When I did with my brother, he was already unconscious, which felt like I really missed the time we could have, and failed him. Rest assured though that your dad knew how much you love him, no matter what. I have no doubt that, today, he would be incredibly proud of you for your growth and for opening up as you just did here.
Sending love your way. 
@Fanofappleinc I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you didn’t get to say goodbye. That no doubt is a life changing experience and makes a lot of sense that you would feel different. Sounds like your dad was a big part of your life and I can imagine you have some great memories and that he’s a big part of you-- certainly something to cherish.
If life feels overwhelming, that’s nothing to be ashamed of friend. You’ve had a lot happen and a lot to process. I would highly recommend reaching out to trusted family members or your doctor to talk through some of these things. Maybe it would help your mother open up to you if you open up to her too?
I imagine your dad would be quite proud of how you’ve matured and how you’re trying to do what is best for your family, but remember he’d also want you to take care of yourself too!
- Kit
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