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@Kitborga Strict Parents. Genetic depression. Divorce. Lost in this Life

First of All i’d like to thank Kit through his stream i found the link to this website.

my name is Adel. From Algeria. I lived my whole life with my parents. I lived a very strict childhood. no friends no outdoors. it was easier for my father to deal with 8 children by controlling them. my family was poor. my sister died from sclérose en plaque. a sickness that comes from depression. and my other sister is sick but she was lucky the situation of my family was a little better to afford her a treatement. and she is living thanks to it.

my parents were very strict so i didn’t get to play outside and discover the world. and have friends. i was living only indoors. i was a big joke at school because i wasn’t talkative. and was silent. when i was young. and since internet came to my country around 2005. i bought myself a computer and got internet. at the age of 24 i met my ex wife.in a game wish Kit probably knows. League of legends.

I believed in myself and moved from Algeria to live with her in Austria. but i ignored many things. i ignored that i had a big addiction to virtuality. and that i was a depressed person. with low energy and low motivation to do anything with my life but i loved her. and love gives wings. it was the first women i met in my life. and the only person who could understand me and believe in me. i was surprised how fast i learned english and german and moved out. not just out of my room but out of the country.

The first few months everything went well. and my ex wife thought that it was just the new place. and that i needed time to get used to it. i was doing some steps looking for a job. but then not being able to focus and then i get fired. or find reasons to stop. i was trying to do sports to workout but then whenever i do a step outside. it takes me a week to recover from it indoors i do not want to go out anymore until a while.

my ex wife end up asking for divorce. it was the ending for me i never drunk alcohol so i drunk a full bottle and went to her and told her that i was gonna jump from the window if she didn’t comeback with me. and when i wanted to jump she called the police. it was a mess and i didn’t jump i felt blocked in my head. and in my life. the neighbors came to help. i was asked to leave the country because we was divorced so i had no right to live in Austria anymore.

i cameback to my parents. my dad asked me for money in order for me to stay. or else he was gonna call the police to take me outside. he didn’t try to understand my situation i was yelling at him that he messed our lifes. and he was yelling back that he was gonna throw me outside. i do not have any friends. so i did shut up. and went to my room where i am right now since 2017. not talking to my family and living like a rat. going at night time to the kitchen to scavenge something to eat. i am using the neighbors internet who was nice to give me the password i cannot afford internet even if its not that expensive in my country around 15 euro a month. i live that way since my divorce. no showers. no shaving i look like a monkey. my room is a mess.my parents did not try to get in touch with me because they know i wont talk to them.and if my father calls the police one day to put me out i will loose it.

i went the other day with my cousin who motivated me to move outside. ear plugs on hat and sun glasses. so no one recognize me. i feel like a failure. the psychic told me that all Algerians are depressed and that there is nothing to worry about. he said that depression might be in my genetics. he gave me some medication that i cant afford so i could not buy. and my cousin did not wanna buy them for me but i did not ask. i am back in my room. i was crazy enough to try and message my ex wife and she blocked me. years already went away maybe the best years of my life. i am soon 33 years old. and i was 28 years when i divorced. i have to say that the few years i lived with my ex wife. helped me discover myself better. but i feel bad for not being able to make her happy.

i am living in my room. i am used to loneliness and to live alone. i do not think that i am capable of making anybody happy if i could not make myself happy. i tried to talk to the only person who could understand me the psychic and he didn’t. now i am questioning why am i alive.

i just wanted to add that living indoors doesn’t bother me. i do not find any interest in going outside. i just want to be like that until i die one day from either Sclerosa or from any other illness.i sleep at a random moment of a day with plugs.and a shirt around my head. and during the night i stay awake.i did not sleep at night since i cameback to this country. i wish i could have a normal christmas

i forgot to say that i did some blood tests one of my thyroid that was normal. and one for general test. and everything was normal… and the psychic gave me two medications one for depression and the other for anxiety

i need support from people who can understand.

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My heart is with you friend! It’s hard when you try to express your feelings to those you love, and they just dismiss it. But that is not a reflection of you, that is a reflection of them.
Sometimes we need more from a personal relationship than what someone has to offer, even if it’s something as simple as kind words and a warm hug. (Still, not your fault)
I am very sorry for the loss of your one sister, I empathize with how much of a loss it is. Here we call sclérose en plaque multiple sclerosis. A lot of people here will be able to relate as well. :purple_heart: Relieved your parents were able to get your other sister treatment, but still hard to see her go through it before.
Psychiatrist are helpful a lot of times, but they are there to “diagnose and treat” with medicine. Since you don’t have anyone close to you to really talk to, have you thought about a physcologist/councilor/therapist? Having a great person to just talk to, being given “tools” to sort my feelings and to get it out, it helped me the most when I was ready to confront and deal with my past. :blue_heart:

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Multiple Sclerosis. i was not sure about the google translation i had of it so i just wrote it in French. i do not have it but we are genetically exposed or i should use a nother word to it. my old brother saw it coming and he started his treatement early before it did any damage to him. and he is living well and studying for his doctorate. i do not communicate with my family. just my older brother the one i just talked about comes once a year or twice to my room to knock at my door and talk with me. he is planning on going to the USA after he gets his doctorate done. but he knows about my problems. and i told him that i am taking medication just so he can tell that to the rest of the family so they can leave me alone and not think about coming and talking to me. here someone who takes anti depression pills is a scary person. and considered as a crazy person. but i did not even purchase them.

what i wanted to say also. and sorry if i am talking too much. the psychic wasn’t talkative alot. there was two psychologies a man and a women next to him. one started to talk to me about his life experience. that has nothing to do with mine and i wasnt focused with him and the women said that all algerians are depressed and that its normal. and she said that i might have a social anxiety.because i find it extremely hard to leave my room. the psychic said that i am déraciné. the proper translation i think is uprooted. i hate my country. i hate this place where i am living and i want to go somewhere else. in Austria i was able to go out and do some things that i never was able to do here. to find a job even if it took me a few days and give up. the longest period i managed to work and wake up everyday was for a month but there was someone with me doing almost all the work. as i was in my testing period. once it was finished i could not handle the tasks alone so i just stoped going and they contacted me to ask me why i stoped. i know that i wont be able to handle it somewhere else. how would i feed myself or even live and find a place where to live. i find it better to just stay in my room even if i hate it outside here.

let me just resume and say that what i thought is that psychologists that i talked to the man and the women. have seen people that has worse situations then someone who does not go outside. and is depressed that is what i assumed and that is what the psychic said. at the end . that he have seen worse. and i havent gone to see them or talk with them again since almost a month.

i would like to tell anyone who is reading this. a happy christmas. i miss that ambiance. and i miss the warmth of people around me when i was in austria. but i hope you are having a happy holidays. thank you for reply i appreciate it

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I’m sorry but they seem like horrible doctors. Now I have never been to Algeria, but I know that there was a lot of problems there a few years ago, I have met people here that had moved here from there. I don’t think that all algerians would suffer from depression. But I’m not a trained professional. And for a doctor to say oh we’ve seen worse, not very good.
Unfortunately for a long time there has been this looking down on people that took medicine that the doctor gave them. And that’s horrible. One of the hardest things to do is ask for help. Nobody should be looked down on or thought that they’re scary or even crazy because the doctor is giving them a medicine.
I am so sorry that you’re going through all of this, but don’t let their feelings interfere with how you see yourself. You know you are not scary, you know you are not a monster, and you know that you deserve more than the opportunities given to you. :blue_heart:
I hope you have a Warm, Merry Christmas! Ttys

Algeria has a special place in my heart, one of the singers I love most in the world, Cheb Khaled, is from there. My youth is infused with his music, and your name Adel reminds me of one of the other singers from that era too.
I would like to ask if you can maybe look at your life from a different angle. You’ve been beating yourself up for so long, maybe this thought exercise could help you get your brain think another way.

Let’s look at what you’ve accomplished: You got online, you got good at games, you even were friendly and charming and genuine enough to find a wife who genuinely cared about you. You moved countries, learnt new languages. returned home, and you’re even adapted to living in a small space.

That’s a lot more adventure that some people ever have in their entire lives. Maybe going out is hard for you. But there is a whole world of online things now! You’re inside your room a lot, right? Why not make it the best place you can be? Somewhere that helps you have a good sleep and feel good because you can move around freely?

I’m sorry that your attempts to reach out to professionals have led you to such unhelpful persons. The fact that you so nicely wished us all a happy holidays, and I feel the genuine warmth in that, makes me think that your light is still there, burning bright, and may be just a bit hidden.

Have you ever considered starting a blog or something? Get your life experience out there, share the journey, maybe writing about it could get you connected to others in your country who have experienced similar things? Is there a group of persons you could find online who are also struggling with being indoors only in Algeria?

You matter, things may be super hard right now, but i’m glad you’re here with us, and i thank you for the trust you showed by sharing your story here.

I’ll leave with part of this song I love, and I say that like Aicha, we too can hope for that kind of love and respect. Wishing you well!

She said: “Keep your treasures,
Me, I’m worth more than that.
Bars are still bars even if made of gold.
I want the same rights as you
and respect for each day,
Me I want only love.”

Elle a dit “garde tes trésors
Moi, je vaux mieux que tout ça
Des barreaux sont des barreaux, même en or
Je veux les mêmes droits que toi
Et du respect pour chaque jour
Moi, je ne veux que de l’amour”
Aah!

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Khaled is indeed an icon. i am glad that you like that singer. personally Aicha is my favorite. Music has the ability to remind us either good and bad memories. i avoided listening to music for a few years. all i was listening was thunder and nature wind on youtube next to kitboga videos. i needed a person talking on the background in my room it made me feel better.

Doctors here and people in General takes Psychic problems lightly ( a la legere ). i do not want to talk to any other Algerian to be honest. My cousin and Brother are the Only Algerians i am talking to. because i’ve had bad experiences before with them. and all the Algerians who liked me before when i was in Austria. Forgot all about me and stoped even reaching to me whenever they knew i cameback to Algeria. most of them was friends that liked me for the situation i had not for what i am. i do not want to reach to groupes of persons that lived the same story as me. my biggest dream right now is to go to Europe or Elsewhere and try to have a roof over my head and a smalll job but in the same time i know that i am not capable of doing that because i experienced it before and i was out of energy quickly. but it’s my dream. i loved biking before. i have my bike i bought when i cameback from Austria in my room but i used it two or three times since i didn’t go out since then.

Dear good people. Souls. this Universe sent you in my path to give me some of your positive energy. you are good people reaching out for someone that is struggling in this life. i would not say suffering because there is moments when i am just looking at myself in the mirror and laughing at myself because of how i changed. if i would put two pictures of me how i was in Austria and how i am now. i think it would be scary for some. it is scary for my own self. but it made me laugh in a weird way the other day. like if i had nothing anymore to loose.

my biggest regret is that i wasn’t educated enough to deal with the Only maybe chance i had in my life to go to Austria and have a beautiful wife. that did alot of effort to help me move forward. you asked me to make a Blog. let me be honest maybe you would say that i became lazy. i wake up after sleeping a few hours whenever the morning anxiety hits. i cover myself and sleep and wake up in the evening. i have a very light sleep thoughts wakes me up every hour. and whenever i wake up i am kind of feeling good that a nother day is over. so i turn on the computer. i put my usual youtube videos i listen to on the background. i am on the computer until my eyes starts itching and i feel tired. it happens that i get hungry at night time so i go to the kitchen to grab myself something to eat i do this almost everynight. this is my life since i cameback from Austria.

you are kind telling me that i should see the good side of all that. that i managed to move out of my country. and learnt languages. and i do believe me. but the thing is that i cameback to the zero point. to the start. with beautiful and bad memories. for me it is a failure even if it was a beautiful adventure. i remember the airports the flights i took. the energy i spent and the good moments i had there with my ex family. a new culture. it was for me a nother world i felt like if i was living in a nother Space. it was heavenly. the Psychic told me why didn’t i go to France. i replied but where ? i do not know anybody there.

thank you for your kind wishes. i know you are trying to motivate me to see the good things in all what i lived and in this situation. but i feel stuck in my life. i could not even go out and do the divorce. i have done it only in Austria. i am still married in Algeria.

i feel like i have no energy to do anything. i do not move from bed. i find energy hardly to go take a shower. until i become sweaty and stinky… i then this only makes me move to the shower. my room is a mess but for me its the reflection of my life. if i do not have enough energy to take care of myself i find it hard to take care of the space i am in.

the scary thing for me is that i find it alright to be in this situation. i say to myself its fine. maybe i am supposed to live that way after all my sisters couldnt even live what i lived. so now its ok if i stay in bed until the end. but the other side of me the one who was motivated and moved to austria talks to me and tell me that this is not alright and that i should move. out of this place and out of this country. but the question is How. with what energy.

i was 95kg when i was in Austria now i am 82 i found myself doing OMAD. one meal a day without even noticing it. but it helps me find the taste of food sometimes. i lost all my hair im bald. i had it when i was in Austria. i lost alot of muscle mass that i had. i was working out then. i have a beard. i know i am not scary inside. but oh boy i look really scary from outside.

this was just to give you an image of me. i am lost in my life. i have no energy to make a blog but i found enough energy to communicate with you. and write you all this.

I almost lost faith in God. but then i say to myself the God that i believe in will help me he has no Name But he is there. or maybe he has different names who knows. I hope you are having good holidays with your family. and talk to you soon. for me its time to do some games in league of legends to keep this mind occupied. so it wont remind me of my situation or my memories.

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Thank you for the response, i deeply and truly appreciate the effort you took to explain it all to me, and to write it all down so I and others could understand you and your situation more.

I hope your games offer you a bit of escape. It’s a difficult situation when going out leaves you so weakened. we’ll think on it, and I hope you know that we care about you and we’re glad you’re here with us.

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Something that i could not talk openly about. to my psychic and psychologist because whenever i said i had an addiction since 2005 to virtuality. they just ignored it the psychic told me at what rate. i told him everyday and then he moved on and forgot about it. but i personally think its one of my issues that takes away all my energy. wish is virtual sex. i think i managed to adapt knowing that i will not leave my room or my bed. so i do this almost everyday. i manage to find someone to talk to me and then have fun then try to keep that person with me and keep having fun until there is no more fun because that person either are bored or discovers that im a depressed person. its never algerians. and its just ladies i am straight but i feel aweful because that is exactly what i had with my ex wife and that is not leading to a relationship or anything afterwards. i am addicted to that also. i can talk openly about it here because i feel i can do it. i went on NO FAp community years ago but it didnt change anything. i did put my story there and tried many times to stop but then i say to myself i am stuck in my room. what am i gonna do if i cant even have fun i would just kill myself then. and i know that this isnt fun it just looks like fun but its just taking all my energy away. this was one of the reasons that made my ex wife leave me. i was on my computer most of the time. sometimes at night time leaving her alone. i feel like someone who doesnt deserve love. when i remember this nights i was leaving her to be alone to do that this was like cheating on myself and on her. i do not deserve to be loved. i was open about it to her but it was too late. after the divorce i think this made her hate me even more. this is one of the things i do to keep my mind occupied make myself tired. and move to the next day. over and over again. my brain and body got used to it. i was expecting the psychic or the psychologist to give me something that holds me from doing that. i do not know what can it be serotonine or endorphine or something that will holds me from doing that. but they did not give much attention to it or maybe because its a topic that they were not comfortable enough to talk about in the presence of a female with us. you know Algeria you cant just talk about sex openly to other people. but yea i wanted to be honest about that. one of the reasons that made my ex wife leave me is that i was not taking care of her like i should be. even if managed to do it properly in the beggining but yea. i do not see myself again with a nother women ever again. i do not want to hurt anybody else. but myself.

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i just talked about that because i felt like i wasnt honest. when i said that the game keeps me from my thoughts. i felt i was lying.it is not the only thing i do.but i appreciate that you are here reading and answering me thank you for your time

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Hello there.

I can’t offer real support, but I just wanted to say that you are seen and heard, without any judgement. I am so sorry that you had such a hard and painful childhood, that you had to go through so many tough struggles in your life, and that you are suffering and feeling stuck in life. It is horrible that your feelings and experiences were invalidated and that your attempts to seek help were disappointing and unhelpful. Your feelings and experiences are valid, no matter what others say.

I think you are immensely courageous to put out your story. That’s a massive step, especially considering that people seem to be very judgemental and not understanding in your country when it comes to mental health (that’s my impression from what you’ve written). So you were raised with this mindset, but you generated awareness, which is a great achievement. And second, you put your energy into sharing your story and writing all this! This is huge! That is a type of self care and very well invested energy.

You wrote that there is something inside of you that tells you it is not okay to remain in this state, and that it tells you to move. I think this is so precious to have. There is a spark of hope and motivation.
When you write about the other part saying it’s okay “staying in bed” for the rest of your life. Is this really a genuine feeling or is its purpose rather protective so that you feel less miserable about the situation? Being aware of the difference is important, in my humble opinion.

I don’t think it is surprising that you live in the virtual reality and have an addiction as a coping mechanism. Your soul is tortured and suffering and that’s currently your tool to deal with all the pain and numb it. Don’t beat yourself up because of that.

From my own experience I can relate to the lack of energy as a symptom of depression. Though eating just once a day during night and no fresh air and sunlight might add to this, as well. Do you get enough macro and micro nutrients?

Might it be an option for you to spend 5 minutes a day to make your room a bit cleaner, tidier, or whatever it is to make you feel more comfortable there? Or something else which you will only spend very few minutes on? Like walking up and down the road for a couple of steps? I think it is very important to take one step at a time and not expect you to change your life entirely within a week. Keep it realistic and at your own pace. Casey said that during the stream, that’s where you’re currently at and that’s okay. And if it’s getting up and brushing your teeth. That’s an achievement. (I can so much relate to the problem of getting out of bed, getting outside and not to mention getting anything done at all.)

You deserve help and to get better, and, without any doubt, you deserve love! (Even if you think now ‘nah, I don’t know’ - you do.)

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my childhood if i can resume it. it was a mixt of strict religion, brain washing, and in case i refuse to do anything my father said i was beaten. my dad was in the army he was pretty aggressive and he is 80 years old and did not change. so i am gonna tell you what i told my cousin often. at the age when my brain was receiving informations and forming. i could not freely chose what informations i can take. i was forced to believe to what my parents was telling me. and i was stuck inside the house. no right to do different or to be different.

that was a resume of my childhood when i discovered internet. my brain was forged. i just had scares from the past to deal with. i could not change who i am. so i tried to adapt and maybe have an appearance. that can attract someone and that is how i met my ex wife. but sooner or later she discovered the scares. the addictions. the depression. the lake of sensitivity sometimes. my humor changes. she was fed up with it . i was not stable and i am not. i do blame my parents for not taking care of us in our childhood but in the same time i say… they did what they could maybe. then i say why the heck they made 8 childrens, but then i say they wasnt educated themselves so how could they educate us. they just knew religion hell for you if you don’t listen or follow.

let me be honest about a few things. i do brush my teeth everyday. somedays the good side of me the one who believes that there will be a nother chance for me makes me move brush my teeth get food. but not able to move outside. whenever my cousin calls me my phone is always in silence mode so i play dead. or i do not even have to do that because often im sleeping during the day. so i call him in the evening when i wake up. and be sorry. but he understands because he know how we was raised and he always says that my father f*ed up our brain when we was young.and that its a normal thing in my family to stay home and give up. and that it should not be normal for me. i do once in three months go out with my bike i have an energy burst. and i surprise my cousin but then right after i comeback to my place. and say to myself that i have seen enough of this outside miserable world that is my country.

when you talked about nutrient and when you talked so well about lacking sun light and Vitamine D, it is the same that happened to my two sisters, the one who left us when i was young lived pretty the same thing like me with an algerian man she was married then when she divorced my dad forced her to stay home and that she had no where else to go. she stayed inside her room until she got multiple sclerosis but i think we are geneticaly exposed to that. and my other sister didnt find any parter with the f*ked up education and way of thinking that my parents gave us when we was young. so she is stuck home and the same sickness and other blood problems with medication.

my brother who has sclerosis is a doctorate in chemistry. he saw it coming and started his treatement before it did any dammage to him and he doesn’t look as bad as my sister does. he looks normal but very skinny.

when i talk about myself. i took care of myself before and after i met my ex wife i was working out taking protein supplement. amino acids glutamine . i learned nutrition through my routine. when i remember myself how i was ten years ago i am surprised. but for now.

i just went down in the middle of typing this message. and got myself a glass of Milk. its powder milk and its very light and cheap most of it is water. so not very nutrient. bread and some cheese. i brought with me from Austria some vitamines that are outdated. like magnesium and Zink but i do still take one pill once upon a time. i am not here to ask for financial help. just to be able to talk to you guys makes me feel understood somewhere in this world. i do not care to be honest if i am not getting enough nutrient i know i am loosing weight because of it. i just hope i wont get this sclerosis i do not want to look like my sister. i want to have a chance. and my appearance is very important. i look fine not skinny i still have some muscles.

six months ago i had an energy burst. i took my backpack filled my MTB tires and went on a 100 km bike ride to my cousin where he lives in a nother city. without thinking about anything. i ignored many things on the way my butt started hurting from the sadle. but i kept going. i was crying on the way at some point but not from pain. and at some point i started to walk i could not but i did it. i just felt i needed that. but since then i did not do a crazy thing like that. but just to let you know that i have a good physical shape and a good cardio. even tho i stay stuck in bed.

i know i am missing alot of sun and alot of nutrient. but now i am gonna eat what i have. to block this hunger and just go on until the next day. the good side of me the one who took me to austria. and learned languages. tells me that i do not deserve this i deserve better. i do not deserve the limitations that my parents gave me. they have a small spirit and i should not let small spirits tell me what to do that is why i didnt talk with my mom since i cameback from austria. she stabbed me with one sentence. she told me and i remember well : You did not do like your brothers and you wanted to be different and not follow your religion, now you are divorced and you lost. so my answer to her was just to leave me alone i wasnt mean back. i told her to never talk to me again. ill miss my parents one day when they wont be here anymore i know. but i do not deserve this talk from them i deserve better i know my worth. and i know that one day i will be able to leave this room and go to a nother country where the grass is greener. but i hope soon before i get older ill be 33 in the 3d of february. this day will be a bad day probably but lets just live for today.

my room is messy the ceiling is black from breathing. i did not open the window because of the noise. here in Algeria there is a call for prayer 6 times a day that kick my soul whenever i heared it and it was loud. but i found away to open it slightly to get some air and use my headphones on youtube listening to thunder of nature loudly to cover up any other sound and it helped.

i’d like to thank you again for your time i know i am typing too much but this is what i have in my mind.

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my mother leaves me whatever food they eat at midday and i warm it sometimes there is not much and sometimes there can be something nice like a fruit or cake. my parents are not rich and i do take what i find. i know that i should move my asss and try to find a job and feed myself better but i cannot even move outside i do not want. and i prefer to stay underfed. i want to leave this place. but for now i’d like to add i am fine in my bed.
my mother leaving me some food. is a way to stay in touch with me somehow because we do no communicate. so for me we live like in an ancient age. or lets say stone age. where we give food and that is the best way of communication. i get what i find clean the dishes. leave the kitchen clean and goback to my room.

i would also try to add that i tried freelancing doing some translation or transcriptions. i tried many websites like Upwork Freelancer. and others i even tried Amazon mechanical but they refused because of where i live. where i am right now there is not much to do online. even surveys there wasnt any available. and when i tried using a VPN like in swagbucks a website where you can earn little doing tasks they deleted my account three times so i just gave up. all this was for a purpose to earn a bit to help myself in this situation. but i do not have energy most of the time so i just gave up. there was also alot of scams in the freelancer websites asking for a deposit to get a task. or alot of indiens or malisiens with alot of reviews that can get the job done for cheaper. so i gave up. but anyways i wanted to talk about that just to tell you that i have tried a few things to get out of this situation without leaving my room but i give up because there is not much to do. i even tried making a youtube channel when i was in austria but it didnt really work because i am not funny… or even untertaining.

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So the only way to change something about your situation would be to get a job where you live? Are there any opportunities?

You said that you don’t want to get out. What is really holding you back? On the surface, it is the lack of energy, but do you know what’s behind that?
What I mean with that: If you’re not allowed to leave the house as a child, there isn’t the opportunity to get familiar with the world outside and make learning experiences. So, this world would scare the hell out of me. (If this resonated with you, you could ask yourself whether this fear is a rational fear, what is the worst that could happen and so on.)
Also, when we grow up we build up beliefs about ourselves depending on how we were treated and cared for. If you come across physical and/or emotional abuse or neglect etc., you might very deeply inside of you think that you are not worthy, that you are not wanted or not capable or whatever it is. These beliefs can also often hold us back. A first step then is to acknowledge that this belongs to our parents, to the fact that they weren’t able to give us what we needed as children, and that how they treated us has nothing to do with us and that it says absolutely nothing about our worth, capabilities, … It takes time, patience, and self-compassion to really internalize that on a deeper emotional level.

What does it take for you to improve your situation? What do you need? What can you do for yourself? In how far can your siblings help?

There are free online support groups for all sorts of psychological problems including addictions. Those groups meet regularly (weekly, some even daily) and they offer you a safe space to talk about your problems. This could also be a supportive resource to be heard and valued.

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Happy Christmas again i just woke up.

One of the things holding me where i am. is that i hate outside. i never in my life since i finished studying wanted to go back again. not even for a bike riding so for work and waking up every morning. and meeting people sounds like hell for me.

not to forget that the minimum wage in my country is 100 euros. if you type on google the minimum wage here they would tell you its over that but it is not true. it is really not motivating me. but this is just the last reason that comes in my mind.

i do not like people here. i do not talk with my siblings they are all selfish and this since i cameback from austria. they all asked me for money and tried to be friendly and stupid me who gave them money because i believed in it for a moment then i just deleted them from my life. so no help expected whatsoever from them. just my older brother who doesnt live with us. is the only one that i talk to and he wont help me with anything because he comes home only once a year and he never offered help. i even question myself why am i still talking to him. maybe he did not ask me for any favor and he comes to talk to me because of the only reason that i am his brother. but i cannot ask him for help he knows whats going on. he saw the ceiling in my room it looks scary. he saw me. so nothing to add. all he told me last time he came into my room. ( you have internet you should look for an opportunity to leave this place ) and i answered ( this is what i am doing since i cameback from Austria ) its almost five years.

what is holding me from the outside world here is the life i had here. i was a joke in school and high school. i do not want to communicate with nobody. i would prefer to die over going out and try to have a work and be a slave. it is soon Inflation with two numbers here in my country wish means everything got so expensive that. 200 euro wouldnt do much other then just buying me basic food.

but this 200 euro if i would manage to go out wake up in the morning with the anxiety that kicks the hell out of me every morning. sometimes i am not able to breath properly. so i try cover up myself with blanket and the pillows i have on my bed and try to say to myself that i am in a safe place and nothing can happen.

what is holding me in bed. is the feeling that i missed a big chance that this universe offered to me… i was not educated well and not ready enough. to take that chance. i know we are never ready enough. but i really mean it… i had no idea what i was doing when i went to Austria. it all came to my mind after i missed that chance. i reviewed all my mistakes… why didn’t I stop using that hell of a computer. why didnt i stop messing around with girls. why didnt i take care of my ex and try to move outside. i remember i did my first steps in the outside world in Austria.

people didnt know me. but judged me for my language and wanted me to stop speaking english. and they often asked me where i come from. and right after i said it they changed their behavior somehow towards me. so i started to lie and say that i was french and i had better reactions. but all this just to say that in Austria i felt better. enough to go out and start to explore but with a tiny steps.it wasnt enough.

what is holding me here is the people their culture. the prayer calls. the sounds of the cars. the sound of people screaming and talking loudly. i tried ignoring all of that and putting plugs in my ears whenever i want to go out. it helped but i felt like just wanted to go back home. i am not agoraphobic. i can be with people for sometime people that i know. or else i do not want to be with strange people.

i try to isolate what is holding me from going outside. to understand what is scaring me. but then i just realize that i hate this place. i do not like people here. and do not work with them.

i think and you might think that im crazy. the only thing that can help my situation and maybe i am mistaken is to meet someone who offers me help to leave this place. and i think i would be able to do it and leave forever. but i think i need to get my psychological state fixed first. and in the same time i say to myself it cant be fixed in this environement. it cant be fixed around the people who caused that problems or was one of the reasons to who i am today.

i woud like to communicate with this support groups. and talk to them i am ready to even do video calls even if i hate my look right now. i am ready to talk vocally even if my english isnt that perfect. but there might be something there for me.

whenever i did read on your message that the only way to get myself out of this situation is to find a job here… i felt like i need to defend myself.i know you mean only good. i just mean that i felt like i do not want that. i do not want to work here i would prefer to stay in an empty room and not to go outside here.

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if you made a list of the things that you dislike the most and wish you could change… what would be the smallest thing on that list? It still seems that making a change in your room is the best first step you can take.

you may ask: What’s the use? Whats the point?
For yourself.

Cleaning the ceiling - is it something you could reach? Is it just dirt and grime or is it hard and requires more work to get cleaned?
You’re in this room for most of your life. Make one tiny tiny change and just see how it feels. It will be uncomfortable, but maybe it might also feel good?
Something clean and fresh in the room may help you have a moment of happiness or joy to see it?
Maybe clear a spot in your window, a small spot, like the size of your hand?
Pick up some trash maybe?

The best way out of this is to start doing something differently. Doesn’t have to be big.

Honestly, could you try something like that? Give it take like ten mins in your day, and then do everything else the same.

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i wont be in this room most of my life my father will be 80 years old in the 21 january. i was the only one and my mother who remembred his bday and made him gifts. but not since i stoped talking to him.

so this house will be sold. and this roof over my head wont be here anymore i would move to a nother place with the money i would get from this house. i wish i could not even count on that and just leave because it would be lame to think this way. of me while i do not like my parents and the way they treated me. so waiting for money from there side… is not right. but this is the only chance for me to get a nother place.

the ceiling is black most of it because of the humidity that cumulated in the room from my breathing. i do not have heating. i have AC that i bought with my money but it uses alot of electricity. and as i do not participate in the bill. i do not charge my parents more.
so i keep it off.
it gets pretty cold but the winter here is just a few days. then it gets warm quick. so sleeping in 2 degrees celcius with a closed window makes that humidity stuck in the walls and the ceiling. i tried cleaning it i can make you a picture but whenever i moved a towel over it. it just looked worse. ill make a picture of it.

since i started opening the window a little. it looks like there is no drops from the ceiling so i think this black spots are only there from the past. it is not getting worse wish is good for now.

once i go to a nother place i do not know how i will do to eat or take care of myself. i think i will be just using the money i will have left from the house once sold. again i know this is lame of me waiting for that money. i know i am a failure. so it is not changing much.

ill show you how my room looks like in a few pictures i do not mind showing you that. so it gives you an image of my room i can even show myself how i was and how i am.

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please share only that which you are comfortable showing.

You dont have to prove anything to me or anyone else here, okay? And the last thing i want to do is pressure you.

I hope you know that. This is a safe space.

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you are not asking me to prove anything. its me who want to exist with my problems. i would not be showing this to someone who lives around me. as i do not want anyone from here to know how my life is. but i feel ok showing you this just so you can have an image of me. i used to do some boxing before i am using my jumping rope and the boxing bag to hold my clothes when i wash them. i do not use my parents washing machine as i do not communicate with them and i do not want to turn it on at night time. so i do clean my clothes when i shower either early in the morning or late at night but not too late. my room is not that messy after all. maybe just for me but it might look messy for someone that has an organized life. the ceiling you can see that i tried to clean it once but then i immediatly gave up. and the window is well covered right behind. so i dont have any light coming from it.

https://imgur.com/a/65OFJaF my face looks just older. i was happy before. but i think i was not taking in consideration any of my problems. now i am aware but scary. ill join my youtube channel you can see some videos of me before. i do not find any problem in sharing who i am. this is who i am after all. and who i was.
i think you can figure out what picture is back then and what picture is who i am now.

it is dark in my room most of the time. so i dont see it. i only have the small light on that i have next to my bed when i eat. or brush my teeth i do it also in my room. since it takes less energy for me to brush my teeth in two smalls buckets. my room doesnt look bad in the dark. it looks fine to me. you can see my cousin in one of my recent videos two years ago or one year and a half i think it was summer 2019 i am not sure it was that time when we went on a bike trip after i went on that 100 km ride to see him but i did not go out since then with it. i love biking but i do not like it here. i am not feeling suicidal and all sad all the time i told you most of the time i am fine with my life being in my room but the other side of me tries to wake me up. and whenever it does it happens that i cry and i feep really depressed and suicidal because i cannot change it. it doesnt happen all the time just once upon a time. when all the things comes to my mind this is why i keep my mind occupied.

Please don’t feel like you have to defend yourself! I’m sorry my text came across that way. There isn’t any judgment at all from my side. I am just making suggestions. Only you know what is working for you and what is not. I am very well aware of this and it is totally fine when you think and say that something isn’t an option for you or not helpful.

I was suggesting the job because it might give you a sense of purpose, to get something done, and to be a bit more independent. I know staying in bed all day and that makes me feel even more disgusted about myself and more depressed.
I can understand that being with people and/or getting to know new people is very difficult, considering you were bullied (?) at school. (I don’t know if that goes to far, but maybe that’s a social anxiety that has developed there?)

That may sound a bit generalized, but I think it is true: Life is about learning and the only way we can learn is by making mistakes. It’s okay to make mistakes and to fail. That’s a part of life. The best thing we can do is to learn from our mistakes. It’s okay to be mad and sad. At some point though, we have to let go of what happened and move on. Otherwise, we get stuck because we keep living in the past. Re-living past events in our heads doesn’t lead us anywhere. We cannot change what happened, no matter how much and how deeply we wish we could.

Something that I learned in life is that no one comes and saves me. I have to reach out, I have to get the support, I have to do the work. No matter how bad I feel, how bad my mental health is, how tortured my soul is, how badly I was treated. That’s the only way out and that’s no one else’s but my responsibility. That doesn’t make it right what others did to me, but it’s up to me to move on.

I totally see that your situation is very difficult and starting to change after this routine for so many years is incredibly challenging. Of course, my situation is different, but I started with getting a realistic overview of what my options are, not that I had to do any of these, but just making a list to see where I am at. Currently, I don’t have a job because of mental illnesses, but I have a deadline because I don’t want to get homeless when I cannot pay the rent anymore. So I have an external pressure. I don’t know how things would have gone if it wasn’t there. What I learned is that I can make a change by starting with small steps, being patient and self-compassionate, and not beating myself up (works sometimes better, sometimes not so much).
Without this immediate need to change something, it is even more difficult to start. But I think it is key to start with something, no matter how small it is. You deserve it so much. I wish you so much that things will improve for you!

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