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@Kitborga Strict Parents. Genetic depression. Divorce. Lost in this Life

i know that you was not judging just suggesting. i just wanted to be honest about how getting suggestions about work here makes me feel. or else i wouldnt be here talking to you.

i really appreciate you trying to understand my situation and try to find things that might help me.
people around me thinks that i just need to find a job. i felt that i had to defend myself. they just thought why am i just in my room and why cant i just move my a.s outside to find a job. and this what made me stop any communication with them because they just think i am lazy. and i am doing fine just refusing to go out. that is why my father coming to tell me that he will call the police to throw me outside the other day.if i dont move out on my own. made me so mad that i told him that he did not give a damn about us when i was young. and now he just want to get rid of me so he doesnt have any responsability left. he did not try to understand or communicate nicely. i told him i went to austria to never comeback.

i was bullied in school that is why i started working out after stoping to go to high school after redoing the same year three times. i thought if i get muscles i was skinny… i thought no one would try to come and bother me. i changed high school three times. but it didnt work wherever i was going i was the new joke. i also think that i was pretty unlucky with my education i was weird at high school. and i could not defend myself. but you can imagine from what ive told you how i was in high school. i wasnt even able to understand what the teachers was telling i had a very bad grades. i think it was a mess in my brain. at that time. and a few years after i discovered internet and started learning again. i felt my brain was able to understand things again. on my own.

when i read what you said about your mental illness and the deadline and paying rent i think about myself in that situation. i feel the only deadline i have is my dad coming again to me and trying to be mean to make me move out of this place. and i think i will loose it then. i hope you find away to carry yourself in that situation. and find a solution. i would say just one thing. you are lucky you are not in my country. because there is less options here. if i have to start small with small steps. i have told my cousin to help me do the divorce here in my country. so i can atleast finish with that. and he said that i need to call him tomorrow in the morning to remind him so he can ask for me what i need to do.
i have done already the translation of the divorce papers in austria everything was in german. so i had to make the translation when i cameback and i am so glad i managed to do it. they are in french now or arabic.

i feel like it is my father responsibility the death of my sister. and i think it is his responsibility the psychological state we had in our life.
it is my responsibility to get out of it now. ive tried and failed. i need to try again.

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i made a twitch channel i do spend all my days alone in my corner. so atleast with that i thought it will hold me from doing other things. and perhaps meet some people. i have a very slow internet less then 1 MB upload. so it will be laggy but hey i want to do something without leaving my bed. its twitch.tv/relaxgrandpa ( because i feel older then a grandpa ) i struggled finding the right way to do it but i managed to do it. i am using OBS and my computer is slow sometimes but hey i think its better then doing nothing in my life and just diving in my depressed thoughts everyday.

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Hey there!

It is so good to hear from you again! I’m very happy for you that you found the energy to set up a twitch channel, despite everything you’re struggling with.

Thank you for sharing! :hrtlegolove:

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woo! very proud of you, hoping this step will let you connect a little bit to the outside world, and give you something fun to do too for yourself!

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thank you i appreciate it. i found that energy and i do not know how but i did it its a very blurry imagine but ill just do this i think knowing that im being watched keeps me away from my thoughts and other stuff in my mind.

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thank you i feel connected this way to something without leaving my room

I am listening to the background Music or Rain or nature sound. while streaming. it might be not pleasing for others. but i have no one watching anyways so i feel free to do it because or else i get anxiety attacks from silence. i always need noise around. i listen to kitboga videos in the background so i hope this wont get me into troubles. i play mainly 7 days to die or forge of empire or league of legends or world of tanks. i feel like this is like something that gets me going. whenever i wake up whenever i fell asleep. i feel like i have an enjoyable task to do. wish is to stream even if its pointless i like it. it feels like i have something to do or else i feel useless and i comeback to the routine of watching videos and do nothing else until i want to sleep.

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i feel like i have an enjoyable task to do. wish is to stream even if its pointless i like it.

If you like it and look forward to doing it on a regular basis, then it is not pointless, friend. The amount of viewers doesn’t matter. - even though I understand the value that could be seen in it. Streaming, like any other activity of that kind, has to be a personal pleasure first and foremost. It’s a little bit like hobbies or creativity, you know? If I draw something, I don’t need to show it to people afterwards in order to enjoy the process of drawing. I do it for me. The potential feedback afterwards is just a bonus.

Keep doing what you like. Keep treating yourself wel. You deserve so much to enjoy your own thing. :hrtlegolove:

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Hey Adel,

I am so happy for you that you’ve found something that you enjoy doing and that you can keep up. I totally agree with Micro - it is never pointless when you enjoy it. You made a change. You’re doing something for yourself. That’s amazing!

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thank you for your replies. streaming even with my bad internet and slow computer holds me from thinking about other things that i have in my mind. and all the worries that keeps me awake. i get tired at some point and i sleep. its almost never at night time but it makes me close my eyes and sleep because i get tired so i enjoy doing it. i enjoy being in my room playing games so streaming it is just a bonus as you said. maybe when ill be 20 years older ill watch this streams and remember if ill be still alive then. but thank you for your kindness and nice words.

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I’m proud of you for streaming and having fun while you do!

Hoping that it keeps being to look forward to for your days :slight_smile: