i know that you was not judging just suggesting. i just wanted to be honest about how getting suggestions about work here makes me feel. or else i wouldnt be here talking to you.
i really appreciate you trying to understand my situation and try to find things that might help me.
people around me thinks that i just need to find a job. i felt that i had to defend myself. they just thought why am i just in my room and why cant i just move my a.s outside to find a job. and this what made me stop any communication with them because they just think i am lazy. and i am doing fine just refusing to go out. that is why my father coming to tell me that he will call the police to throw me outside the other day.if i dont move out on my own. made me so mad that i told him that he did not give a damn about us when i was young. and now he just want to get rid of me so he doesnt have any responsability left. he did not try to understand or communicate nicely. i told him i went to austria to never comeback.
i was bullied in school that is why i started working out after stoping to go to high school after redoing the same year three times. i thought if i get muscles i was skinny… i thought no one would try to come and bother me. i changed high school three times. but it didnt work wherever i was going i was the new joke. i also think that i was pretty unlucky with my education i was weird at high school. and i could not defend myself. but you can imagine from what ive told you how i was in high school. i wasnt even able to understand what the teachers was telling i had a very bad grades. i think it was a mess in my brain. at that time. and a few years after i discovered internet and started learning again. i felt my brain was able to understand things again. on my own.
when i read what you said about your mental illness and the deadline and paying rent i think about myself in that situation. i feel the only deadline i have is my dad coming again to me and trying to be mean to make me move out of this place. and i think i will loose it then. i hope you find away to carry yourself in that situation. and find a solution. i would say just one thing. you are lucky you are not in my country. because there is less options here. if i have to start small with small steps. i have told my cousin to help me do the divorce here in my country. so i can atleast finish with that. and he said that i need to call him tomorrow in the morning to remind him so he can ask for me what i need to do.
i have done already the translation of the divorce papers in austria everything was in german. so i had to make the translation when i cameback and i am so glad i managed to do it. they are in french now or arabic.
i feel like it is my father responsibility the death of my sister. and i think it is his responsibility the psychological state we had in our life.
it is my responsibility to get out of it now. ive tried and failed. i need to try again.
