Lack of physical contact in long term relationship

I’m feel ashamed to talk to anyone about my relationship so I hold it all in until it almost kills me. I don’t know what to do anymore and ending this relationship with a new baby feels not the answer. I need help and I don’t know where to go.

I’ve read so many things about men voicing frustrations with intimacy, lack of initiating contact, and just uninterested in any intimate or physical display of affection…but no one really talks about it from a woman’s side experiencing this. It feels embarrassing saying to anyone or even yourself that your bf doesn’t want to have physical time with you. Friends and family members just automatically go to RED FLAG and it’s not the norm. But he’s the best guy I’ve ever been with and he really is my best friend but technically I’m in a 3 year platonic relationship. Eek.

His love language is working his butt off to provide for myself to stay home with our two kids and I should be grateful right? I shouldn’t ask for more. To be fair, he was never really that obsessed with the physical, and it is my fault for thinking he would grow more comfortable and kept making excuses for him. And also to be fair, I require a little extra reassurance physically like closeness as my personality so I know it’s one extreme to the next between us. But that’s almost the single isolated issue with us, everything else fits. We were working on it, we were trying and he said he was.

Then I got pregnant which is crazy because it was one of the only “experiences” we had in like a 6 month gap. We were just starting to touch the surface of the lack of intimacy and affection issues when I got pregnant so as you could guess it stopped it ALL and progress on that went backwards.
Fast forward to today, my baby is 4 months old and on January 1st 2024 it will be 365 days (approx) since we have physically been together intimately. I know it’s hard with a kid and a newborn so we’ve been trying to plan a time to get away to be together, maybe feeling like this sexual break we took (while I was pregnant) was what we needed to come back center. Problem is, due to money being tight for the holidays and baby sitting limitations, it’s not happening as quickly as I hoped.
I want to be back physically with him so bad, I’m just afraid it will be the same and it will not be recoverable for us again. I feel so rejected, unwanted, and definitely not attractive or seen, and I feel embarrassed that I think about it so often and continue to make it an issue in our relationship. I’m truly afraid of hitting a dead end and my depression worsening. Just feel like I need help before it’s too late idk.

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Hi @thesilenceisloud,

Welcome to Heart Support! People expressed love in so many different ways. You aren’t the only person who feels this way. I have seen my closed relatives & friends experience a lot of issues in relationship. I totally agree with your opinion about men voicing frustrations with lack of physical intimacy.

You deserved to be loved and appreciated. I understand your frustrations with lack of physical intimacy. I would be upset if my loved one isn’t put effort in the relationship. Relationship is all about working & caring each other. In every relationship, there are conflict that people must face. What’s preventing your loved one for physical intimacy? There must be several reasons. Your boyfriend seems like a good partner but lacks empathy & communication. Plus, he should work on being emotionally supportive for you as a pregnant woman. Being pregnant is hard physically & mentally. Just remember you are strong warrior! I’m always super proud & support towards pregnant woman.

I recommend you & your boyfriend for couple’s therapy. A therapist can give you advice on how to improve your relationship. Sometimes your partner is not aware of your struggles. If your partner doesn’t know, you love will come to dead end. I hope your loved one is aware of this problem.

I witnessed many relationships end from my closed loved ones. Relationship are meant to end. It’s okay to feel depressed & upset. That’s totally normal for breakups. You did the best you can to save the relationship. It seems like your relationship is affecting your mental health. I’m super worry as a friend! Whatever decision you will make in your life, Heart Support and I are here to support.

Do you have family & friends that you can live with? You can also contact social services if you need a place to stay.

Love,
toastaintbad

1 Like

Hello,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us!

You are incredibly strong for taking a step in seeking support for your relationship. Be proud of yourself because taking the first step can be hard. You are also remarkable for trying to make your relationship work with your partner and your children. Being pregnant and parenting is hard.

Discussing this aspect with your partner and communicating how physical intimacy means to you with him is a good idea. There is nothing wrong with asking and discussing these things with your partner. Communicating and having a heart-to-heart conversation with your partner can lead to a stronger relationship and emotional bond between the two of you.

You are beautiful the way you are, and this is nothing to be embarrassed about; it is something that is important to you. I love that you are progressing with your journey of rekindling intimacy and not giving up on your relationship. I am sure you will become a much stronger person during this journey. I hope this helped.

With kind regards,

Celine