Lack of words and emotion

Adjective: ineffable - too great or extreme to be expressed or described in words.

Adjective: inexpressible - (of a feeling) too strong to be described or conveyed in words.

Noun: anhedonia - inability to feel pleasure.

Verb: anesthetized - deprive of feeling or awareness.

I believe I’ve been clean for a month or so now. The itchiness to grab the scissors again is increasing. I don’t have words to describe why or what. More like thoughts, actually.
I have no friends. I have no motivation. I have no inspiration. I’m lonely. All I have is supplemental distractions, a couch and video games with the added on guilt of being lazy.

I cannot describe how I feel because in truth, I feel nothing at all. There is no substance to explain, there is no physical pressure, it’s nothing and nowhere.

Have you tried going to church? have you tried meeting people at the park? Have you tried going to the gym? Have you tried fasting ? What if you lean on the idea that life is purposeful and try to live it that way. Get a significant other for the purpose of bond. Go to the gym for the purpose of physical health, etc.

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***tw- sh

I put the wrong tag initially.

The urges to cut are getting stronger again. I’ve been clean for a while, “a while” being a month and a few weeks I think. I don’t know how to fight myself when I have no motivation to do so anyways. But it seems disappointing since I’ve lasted this long. I miss the pain, I crave a different type than what I feel already. I’m like an empty husk with a helpless core.

It seems my therapist doesn’t know what to do for me anymore. My symptoms are “treatment resistant.” My parents want me to get better. “Are you any better? Is therapy helping?” No. I’m unsolvable. It’s freaky. People don’t like that. I don’t want to shove pills down my throat again. It’s bitter

From day to day, the world begins looking more and more grim and volatile. I feel like I’m a societal reject. It’s lonely, but I’ve done that to myself, huh? Reclusive and afraid of reaching out from the shadows where it’s safe, that’s how I feel. A disappointment, a creep. I feel as though society would reject me just as it had done before. And the people would spit at me, touching me for their own greed. So I hide, lonely and afraid. Afraid of both being alone without satisfaction and of being seen in the light. If someone saw me for me, surely that would scare them off. Hide behind a facade of sugar coated lies and a defected face stitched together. I keep people at a distance and close off eventually, any little relationship we had withering into past memories and regrets.

School is the only substance in my life, the little stimulation I get. And it suffocates me further. I have a class to work on over the summer, then in the fall it starts all over again. I’m tired of working hard. I want to give up but that’s a waste. Minimum effort and supplemental compliments.

So I question myself, what is stopping me from grabbing the scissors again? I have no one to talk me out of such things and I have no one to express these thoughts to. No one close. I don’t want anyone to know. “It’s situational.” And I ask myself why I want to in the first place- is it to feel something or is it to dull the uncontrollable and unsolvable pain with something I can control?
Or am I already a lost cause? I’m a freak.

Okay, if by freak you mean a monster I can relate to that. I can relate to missing the pain. I think maybe you had core memories that were nostalgic to you that included pain. I know that’s how it was for me. Or maybe you’re just in so much pain for most of your life that you just got used to liking the pain. Maybe you got used to being in hell as I was. How I get my self away from pain is by living my life with purpose. When I have my life structured with purpose, I can recognize easier when I have pain. From there I see what’s causing it and how to eliminate it. Remember in an ideal world we would not suffer. We would enjoy life without pain. So if we have pain it’s a clear indicator for us to reevaluate our situation and eliminate the cause of this pain. So for example in my life some times it’s painful for me to be around people that I feel are just doing boring stuff. I feel like it’s just painful to be around people doing stuff I stop doing years ago. So even though I like the picture of communion through the ups and downs, it hurts me to maintain this idea all the time. Since I can recognize this I can maybe still hang around these people but do something more enjoyable instead. I will admit I sometimes crave pain as well. I used to be a believer that pain can make you stronger. I don’t know if you’ve listened to the song believer by imagine dragons, but if you have then you know that I’ve liked the pain as well. When I get these cravings of pain, I ask myself at my core why do I want to feel the pain. For me it was feeling that I wasn’t enough and that I needed to be bigger and stronger. Now that I’ve done some healing I can recognize this and I can recognize that i’m enough. Since I know i’m enough I can observe that thought of craving pain and happily dismiss it.

I can also resonate when you say you feel like an outcast. I think you need Jesus Christ he’s a god that believes in redemption I think that’s what you need. I’ll recommend this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucCKwu9HrJE I’ve also felt like a person with a mask. The best advice I can give you is to be honest with the people around you. Be you and not a fake person behind a mask. Maybe you’re scaring people that also have masks on. If you want to have more real interactions maybe you should start having more real interactions. I will also add that don’t let negativity consume you and try not to pass it on to others either. I can also really resonate with keeping people at a distance and watching them turn into past memories. Personally for me I liked my solitude so I reasoned it was ok for them to fade away. As I grew older I could recognize why someone would want to form long lasting relationships. This is something i’ve recently tried to implement but yeah just try to interact with a certain circle very frequently and try to keep that bond. I know this is easier said than done but yeah just try to not let the hardships separate y’all and if they do just try to reconnect that would be my advice.

I used to like school a lot. While I was there I like the challenge of getting good grades and soaking up knowledge. I can also relate to you when you say that you’re tired of working hard. I feel like maybe you should let some responsibilities go and do some healing. As to the supplements, I’ve gone down that road as well and I don’t think it’s a route you should maintain. I personally like fasting either a dry or a water fast is what I would recommend.

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I grew up in a religious household but lost my faith early on because of trauma. When I first met my abuser, I don’t think I was able to comprehend the concept of an infinite being or God. I still have trouble believing God exists because I feel abandoned. I don’t know what sin I committed to be punished in such a way that has seemingly stained me for life. Or why He let it happen at all. So I guess I have some resentment and fear in being able to trust. At the same time, I’m scared of dying and going to hell.
How did you personally connect with God?

I feel more connected to god when I dry fast. Meaning when I don’t eat or even drink water. However, you can start with a water fast if you’re not used to fasting.This along with praying. I like to pray sitting down with my palms facing the sky. If i’m indoors and feel sleepy and depressed I like to go outside shirtless and barefoot and just look at the sun for a bit. If you’re not used to staring at the sun start by looking at the sun during either sun down or sun rise. This makes me feel more connected not only to god but all life on earth. I like to go to church to commune with people. This helps me be more connected to humanity. I like bible studies and to read the Bible in order to understand the purpose why we are here, morals, and generational curses. Do you try to talk to god? Like, do ask God stuff in your head? Do you ask for answers? Also I would like to point out that although god can guide us he also gives us free will to do whatever we want. I know that sometimes our guilt of wrongdoing can make us feel like we are not worth Gods efforts sometimes, and can even lead us to hide from God. I also know that sometimes we reflect our own ideas and insecurities when we look and judge other people. “A disappointment, a creep. I feel as though society would reject me just as it had done before. And the people would spit at me, touching me for their own greed.” Maybe this is the judgement you’ve made of someone that was in the position that you are now. So maybe God wants you to go through the same stuff so you can relate more to feeling different and a failure. We have to recognize that we are not our situation. Just because other people or even our thoughts are telling us that we are all these horrible things doesn’t mean that we are. We have control and power to define who we are, not the negativity. Also, just because we could be failures in the current moment doesn’t mean we can’t come back from it. God is merciful and will grant you redemption.

Lack of connection with God means that you are in hell right now. This means that you are spiritually dead. By connecting with God again and spiritually awakening you will rise from the dead. Living with guilt and fear are just chains that bind you to hell. Hell is death.Would you create a world where your creations are scared of dying? Would you allow your creations have fear consume them? Our good God has a plan for all of us which means that we are saved from all bad energy that tries to consume us. But for that we have to agree to choose the good God. Only the good God allows for redemption and forgiveness. If you follow an Evil god then you will attract bad energy and wickedness to your life. May the good God bless you :dove:

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