Last night was rough

I don’t know if I should put this on the wall or not but I feel like I need to get it out somewhere. I don’t even know if I’m really “ready” to talk about it, but I’m hoping that by writing things down I can feel better.

Yesterday was okay. I had a good day at work, which doesn’t normally happen (I don’t hate my job, but it’s stressful. I show up and don’t know what I’m doing until I get instruction. There’s no consistency). I went home, ate dinner, and played with my ferret. I must have been stressed about something becuse I started pulling for a while. Then I decided I was going to stream for the first time. My wifi isn’t great and at that moment, though it had been working the rest of the day, it suddenly stopped working. I tried many different things and had all my stream stuff set up, but I couldn’t stream. I was so frustrated that at one point I pulled my hair pretty hard (as anyone who has been following me knows that I struggle with trich) but not enough to come out, and also hit myself a few times. When I’m frustrated, I cry. So I cried. And I cried more. And I couldn’t stop. I haven’t cried in a while and I think I needed to let everything out. I know that’s fine, but instead of getting better, I felt worse. I reached out to a few friends but didn’t hear back. I felt bad because I felt like I did my part by reaching out, but who would help me if no one was around? So I became more frustrated and lonely and cried more.

That’s when the suicidal thoughts popped into my head. When I was 13 I would have attempted suicide had I had meds in the bathroom I was in. There were no meds and I didn’t attempt. This time I knew I had lots of meds. So I started to take some. It was then that I texted my friend that I needed her to come over. She called me and I couldn’t even talk, I just cried into the phone. RamJam was asking questions and I finally told them what was going on. I tried to make myself throw up but I couldn’t. My friend arrived then and I just hugged her and cried on her shoulder. She was so supportive and I’m really glad I have her. I guess I’m just shaken because, although I know my depression is hitting this summer, I thought I was doing better.

I know recovery isn’t linear but this still hurts. I’m struggling with the shame but also being proud that I got help. I just need time to process everything. Sorry that was long.


I see what you’re saying and I agree, but I want to make something clear - this didn’t happen just because I got frustrated. This was the “straw that broke the camel’s back”. Getting upset over this I believe is justified, but my response was not to that singular event. My response was the result of stress caused by various issues, such as feeling like I don’t have enough money, my job is inconsistent, and various other things.

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