Last night was the worst I've been in maybe a year

It’s been a while since I have posted here. I haven’t been responding to any posts lately and Im sorry I havent been around to support anyone. I’ve had to focus on myself.
This is going to be a long post. Im sorry for that, please bear with me.

With that said, I haven’t been doing well. I’ve been feeling like I’m at my breaking point, I’ve started getting chest pains from anxiety again (I used to have it so bad I would think I was dying multiple times a day) and my meltdowns are more frequent as are the suicidal thoughts. I’ve started holding all these things to myself cause I don’t want to bother anyone, specially when ALL of my close friends are dealing with insanely difficult mental health/various other traumatic situations themselves. It would be selfish and detrimental to their mental health to unload my shit on them. I refuse to burden them even more. I’ve also promised to multiple people that I am okay and dealing with things, so Im deliberately holding things from family and loved ones. Im severely depressed, I have social fobia, GAD(general anxiety disorder), psycotic tendancies and now another diagnose I will talk about further in the post.

I know logically that I have been making progress cause I don’t think of my ex or my best friend leaving me as much anymore (happened maybe a few months ago now) and I think I’ve made peace with it or am beginning to accept it. I’ve also managed to convince my doctor to get me a mental health evaluation to see if I have BPD (Borderline personality disorder). I remember reading about it ages ago and thinking that a lot of the signs resonated with me. When I wasn’t getting anywhere in therapy (CBT and psycotherapy) I asked them to look into BPD. Yesterday was my second meeting with a psycologist who was looking into it with me.

I filled 7 out of 9 criteria for BPD, I needed 5 in order to be diagnosed with it. When she said it, I was expecting to feel relieved cause I knew it was right and it would explain so much of my life and troubles. But I just felt numb and empty. We ended the meeting and I called my mom and told her what had happened, reassured her I was okay. Got home and I felt so incredibly empty, numb and simultaneously on the verge of collapse.

Im so incredibly tired of this journey, so tired of all the doctors asking me what is wrong with me or how to fix it. Im tired of being shipped around from one place to another cause they can’t fix me. I can’t even begin to count all the doctors and therapists I’ve seen over the past years.
The phycologist also told me they can’t help me at this clinic, they don’t have the appropriate therapy for BPD. So they are gonna referr me to some other place and hope they can help me. She told me not to get my hopes up however cause they rarely take on new patients.

All of this happened yesterday, aswell as just getting back to art college this monday.

Last night was the worst I’ve been in maybe a year. I seriously contemplated taking my life. I googled how to overdose on my SNRI meds and put everything I could find in a pile with some alcohol I had at home. This after a day of feeling so empty and disconnected from reality. I didn’t want to call anyone despite knowing I needed to. I eventually was convinced to call someone and they managed to help me come back. But Im still feeling the mood swinging from extreme to extreme, I feel like my mind is getting whiplash injuries from the sudden turns and I today feel just as hopeless today as when I was deep in suicidal thoughts last night.

I desperately just want to function. I don’t want to be me anymore, I’d give anything to just be wiped clean from the earth and maybe come back as someones house cat. Jokes aside, Im struggling. I’m drowning in this and Im trying to cling to anything and anyone but that is how you manage to drown others…

I don’t really have a point to this post, maybe it is just for venting purposes. Partially to show others that I finally managed to figure out what has been wrong with me. I just need people to know about it.

Sending you all love and cat cuddles.

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Hey @Palefires,

First off- I love you. A lot. You are my pal. If I could hug you I would- but I guess this will have to do emails virtual hug

Pales I’m proud of you for posting and being open about this. I truly am. Please know you are not alone.

The point you made in the second to last paragraph-

I want you to know that there are still people you can talk to. A lot of people are struggling yes- but that does not and NEVER will lessen the value of your issues. I know I am not around a lot currently but I’m open to talk anytime. I feel as though I can handle helping others now.

We all go through rough periods and that’s ok- we just have to try and get out of these pits- and that’s what friends are for- they are here to listen and encourage you. I really encourage you to post on the wall whenever you feel like you don’t have someone to talk to- the wall is always here. I believe in you.

I love you Pales, I got you, you are not alone. Heart Support is right here with you.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)

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Pales, first off, I freaking love you. I know how it feels to hit that rock bottom. I’ve googled several times how to overdose on my medication. It’s okay that you’re feeling this way, a new diagnosis can be scary… You’re not alone. You know that you will always have someone to speak to. You’re under a lot of stress with going back to art college as well and it’s understandable that you’ve had to take a step back… Keep reaching out though. There will always be someone there to pull you out. I love you, I know you can do this.

Hold Fast
Kayla

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