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Late night post:I'm running out of names for these posts

I’m sitting here at 3 am listening to music trying to just distract my self of what feels like the inevitable I feel like I’m just a lost puppy clinging to anyone that shows me love like what happens when they realize I’m a broken mess and just don’t ha e the energy to look after my self I’m so broken and beaten down and just endlessly just dead inside my partner brings joy but I worry they will get bored of me or realize I’m a pile of shit living in this trailer dosent help much either I’m just forced to exist with the bugs for another month til I can move out and hopefully I just…i don’t know anymore I put on this mask of this tough punk chick whos always willing to throw the first brick or first punch or kick to the balls of what’s ever in my way but lately I feel like a vampire has just drained me of my life and I’m just a husk when u struggle to even do dishes how are u meant to operate in a world that expects u to with stand the meat grinder of the everyday work force knowing others suffer with me dosent help me feel better cuz there never seems to be a end in sight

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I’ve a feeling you are loved for who you are, and those that love you already know that you have times of low energy and feeling broken. A super important thing about experiencing love is to fully accept and appreciate it, in the moment it’s given. If you worry about “what if it goes away?” at the time you’re receiving it, you will find it difficult to experience its depth an sincerity.

That clingy feeling isn’t comfortable because it’s a manifestation of insecurity. That leads to 2 problems.

  1. The person who’s expressing their love/friendship/affection toward you, may interpret that insecurity to mean you don’t trust them to be there for you. The fact is, some people do disappoint, or betray that trust. All the same, it’s possible to accept their “in the moment” sincerity, because they usually are at that time.

  2. The insecurity interferes with your focus on the other person and your ability to fully reciprocate the love/friendship/affection.

You can’t just flip a switch in your mind and turn off the insecurity, but you can turn away from it while you’re with others, thereby being able to fully care for them.

There’s a pretty reliable dynamic in life: Give the love and support that you wish to receive, and you will receive love and support. It’s not an exact tit for tat kind of thing, but ultimately you will share times of mutual fulfillment with others. Maybe you’ll love and support 10 people, and only receive the support of one, but then that one person’s support becomes totally worth the care you showed the others.

Does the mask feel like a burden? Set it aside sometimes. Maybe since you’ve grown wiser, the mask needs some modification. If you’re like me, I have to work at sharing my feelings, as my natural affect is pretty deadpan. Making extra effort to express myself feels like a mask, but in actuality, it’s expressing my authentic feelings.

That is what the world expects, unless you’re independently wealthy. The trick is to approach the daily responsibilities as though they aren’t so much of a grind. It takes a while to figure out how to do that. It helps to have a job that doesn’t suck. Sometimes there are opportunities to make the job suck less, or maybe with some effort, the perception of the job can be adjusted, so it feels like it sucks less. I’ve found myself in sucky jobs many times. Sometimes I told myself, “if I accomplish X, Y, and Z, I’ll reward myself.”

Something EVERYBODY in my family did, and still do, is to let the dishes stack up until it was a truly depressing task to clean them. They’re bad housekeepers too. My son is getting better about it though. I explained to him that he’s convincing himself that he’s not worthy of a decent environment, if he is letting his surroundings look like crap. It only took 40+ years for him to realize that I made a good point.

When my first marriage ended, I ended up living in a really ragged trailer in the woods. Strips of paneling hung from the walls. The windows had no screens, and wouldn’t close all the way, so I ended up covering them with plastic. The kind of resin used when the trailer was built, smelled like cat pee when it was humid. Every surface in the place was either sticky, or crusted with filth. The appliances were so mucked up, it looked like they’d never been cleaned. There were roaches by the thousands. I was also seeing a therapist for depression, because I was often immobilized by grief.

Maybe it was a case of channeling my OCD, but I worked on cleaning the place just about every waking moment that I wasn’t working. I roach bombed the place with 4 times the recommended amount. Eventually, it was immaculate. My son was living with me, and he was a slob. I threw a few fits until his messiness was confined to his room only.

A year later, I met someone, and we started dating. She talked me into going back to school, and prerequisite to college math, I needed two terms of remedial math, along with her tutoring.

That was 27 years ago, and we’re still together.

For the first time last week, she told me that one of the reasons she fell in love with me was because I kept that shitty old trailer immaculate!

The point is, wherever you are, even if it’s a dump, surround yourself with evidence of self-esteem, even if you’re not feeling it at the time. Remind yourself that you deserve an environment of cleanliness and order. You and those around you will feel the positive effect of it.

Maybe I got carried away talking about my experience, but hearing about what you’ve been putting up with was something I could relate to.

Be good to yourself. It’ll help you feel more secure.