I had a good day today my therapist said i seemed in a good mood I noticed a slow decline in mental health throughout the day lately I been dealing with alot I been lost in thought at points I think about suicide alot I mean I always do I’m depressed but it’s never urges it’s always jus the idea the idea of not having to put up with shit anymore not having to worry about anything anymore and it just sounds so nice at times just bang and it’s done I don’t have to worry about my gender anymore I won’t have to live with the guilt I feel for living off my family nothing at all just darkness but I don’t do it cuz I know while I’m dead everyone else is gonna morn me my cat will be without a mom my brother with out a sister I just idk I have so little in regard for my own life I live for other people they are what keeps me going in life but I also feel incredibly alone I’m not looking for support in this post I’m safe I’m not in danger I’m just wanting to reach out and see if others are this way I Know I’m different from most with depression I don’t have negative self talk cuz I don’t think it’s all just feelings when it comes to my depression but it’s how I always have been the only times I think are when my ocd kicks in and I start having panic attacks I start seeing my self dead I wish I understood my brain better I’m not Nero typical but I don’t know if I’m Nero divergent
Hi Derpplup
I can tell that you are doing better. When my thoughts went from I should kill myself to what would it look like to kill myself it was the first step to a better life. I didnt see it that way at the time but now that I look at it it truly was the first step in my mind to change how I think. You are making progress and that is great. I know that the thought of suicide might sound appealing but it is hardly ever as simple as bang and it is over. It is a huge stress to plan out a suicide attempt and the execution is always destructive on ourselves whether we are succesful or not. Please continue on your way for better tommorows. You are doing good believe me. 
From: twixremix (Discord)
hi derpplup! i’m happy to hear from you again and to know that you’re still continuing on bravely in your journey. i want to start by saying how thankful i am that you could write these thoughts out and allow us all in to lend an ear and tell you that you are far from alone. without that life-ending bang, however, you’ll be able to discover new ways to express your gender, repay your family for their kindness, and live life to its fullest. it’s okay to live for something and/or someone though. trust me, i’ve been there. when i was in your shoes in a similar mindset, i depended on others to give me my purpose and happiness. my therapist then opened me to the idea that yes, you can rely on others to live but take that time to finding your own purpose and joy. your own goals and dreams. so much life is ahead of you and i’m so excited to hear more of your journey. i am proud of you for your progress and ability to see the larger picture, knowing the impact you leave on other people’s (and cat’s!) lives that the world would be a worse place without you in it. so stick around, my friend, i value you and everything you bring to this world. love, twix
From: eloquentpetrichor (Discord)
Hello derpplup! Is that your cat in your profile photo? They are adorable and lucky to have you as their cat mom! I can understand that feeling of wanting so much to not deal that darkness and nothingness can seem inviting. When I feel that way I create a sensory deprivation chamber sort of thing for myself where I shut out as much/many sights, sounds, smells, feelings, everything that I can and try to not think (baths and dark rooms work well). Just enjoy the nothingness for a bit. It helps with my panic attacks, especially. I know you said you weren’t looking for support or help and just wanted to know if others feel like you, but I hope you don’t mind me sharing a bit anyway 
And it is perfectly okay to keep going for other people and to remind yourself that even if you don’t want to keep going there are plenty of other people who want you to. That’s really important and amazing that you can keep that thought to help keep you strong. Because you do matter, and not just to those you listed, but to so many others you encounter every day that you wouldn’t even expect to matter to. But it’s important to try and find a way to matter to yourself as well. Keep fighting for them while trying to find a way to fight for yourself as well. Find something that brings you joy and passion and that makes you want to keep going every day not just so they haven’t lost you but something that makes you happy you are waking up each day and seeing the light again. I hope you can find that and I hope you keep sharing your journey with us. Hold fast, and keep searching for your light <3
From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)
Hi Derpplup Its nice to see you again Friend. You seem to have had a lot going on in your mind when you wrote that late night ramble and I hope writing it has helped to get some of it out and clear it away for you. Firstly I am very pleased to read that you are not in danger, that is always a real blessing. Life really can be a struggle sometimes but it can also have some real moments of pure joy and it would be such a tragedy to miss those moments. I can relate to having disregard for your own life as I too spent many years feeling the same and still to this day have a lot less than maybe I should but I have enough to tell you that if you can care for yourself even half as much as you care for others its a good start. You are an exceptional human being who is worthy of so much more than what you think you are and this is not me just telling you what I think you may want to hear, this is a person that values you as a fellow human being and believes in you and wants you to value yourself. Try to take more time out for yourself take care ok. Much Love Lisa.
Hey @Derpplup,
Thank you so much for sharing once again your thoughts. It’s very appreciated and valuable to all of us here.
Depression has this way, for many of us - but not everyone -, to make us contemplate suicide as a solution. But you’ve described it very well: it’s not really about death. It’s about wanting peace. The problem is that suicidal thoughts are focused on an illusion of solution while peace can be found in this life. It’s just not something that can happen immediately, but require us to work on ourselves and on our struggles, just like you’re doing with your therapist and by reaching out here. I surely relate to what you describe and this need for peace. When I feel overwhelmed by my struggles or life circumstances, my mind tends to let the thought of suicide pop in. There is something appeasing in just thinking about it. But it’s still a dangerous habit, and it’s so, so healthy that you take the time to tal kabout it that way. The worst would be to let these thoughts take power over you.
It is okay if for now you live for others and have a hard time living for yourself or finding your own purpose. Living for others act as a temporary crutch, one that allows you to give yourself the time you need to learn, at your own pace, to live for yourself too. For many of us it’s a learning process. It’s not something acquired at first. So in the meantime, it’s okay to rely and hold on to the love that people in your life give you. They would be devastated if they had to lose you. Just like we would too, right here in this community. You are precious, friend. Make sure to keep taking care of yourself as much as needed.
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