I’m not a perfect person, I make mistakes and I do a lot of things that I don’t mean to do, they just happen because of issues that I have in my own life. In one of my previous relationships, I created a lot of problems between my significant other and I and ultimately ruined the bond that we had. To place the blame fully on myself, would be inaccurate, because we both were at fault for the obstacles we faced. I will, however, take most of the blame because I built the division between us in such a destructive way. The thing that ate me alive when it was said, and still tears me apart even now, is when I was told that I “do not know how to love” and that I will “never know how to love”. Furthermore, I was told that I “will always make the same mistakes over and over again and I will ruin every single relationship I ever encounter” because that is “who I am”. That has weighed so heavy on my heart recently, because it seems like no matter what I do, no matter who I pursue, and no matter how much or how little effort I put into someone, it never seems to be good enough. What if she was right, what if I’m not worth the investment? What if it is my fault and what if I’m the reason nothing ever works out in my relationships? I keep getting told that these girls just aren’t the one, but attempt after attempt failing, it starts to get old. At 27, I wanted to be in a stable relationship, in which I start to settle down. I never foresaw that I would still be struggling to even make a girl interested in me, long enough to give me a chance. It’s so frustrating to think back on those words and believe that maybe she was right all along.
Don’t listen to the lies that say you’ll never change. There is always hope for change! There is always opportunity for growth. Think about what went wrong in previous relationships and then think of ways you could improve on those things in the future. It might be helpful to talk things through with a friend or mentor to help you process some of this stuff and for encouragement. Just an idea. You aren’t stuck. Keep pressing on! Things can get better.
Truth is,we all live with regret. I am 24 and for a while it has dawned on me that in every relationship I had with a guy he never really loved me at all, heck some of them don’t think they even liked me that much. It’s hard to come to that realization and that makes you feel unworthy and unlovable. I also made a lot of mistakes in these relationships and cried myself so much after they ended because the guilt felt overwhelming.
But you know what? In spite of failed relationships and mistakes and regrets, you are worthy of being loved and you are allowed to mess up. The people who tell you you are not capable of loving someone are not to be ever ever listened to because, guess what? What entitles them to decide that for you or for anyone else?! Even the fact that you tried and was there for someone is proof you are capable of love and the truth is that the even when you are at your best the wrong person will never appreciate that and when you are at your worst the right person will still love you regardless. It is true you have not met that person yet. Some don’t meet that person their whole lives. It is all a matter of circumstance and sometimes luck. What you can control is the relationship you have with yourself and your worth does not lie with what others tell you but with how you feel about yourself.
True love comes from knowing that you are worthy and not seeking that validation from someone else. The moment you stop waiting for others to confirm that you are lovable and start seeing that on your own, you will value relationships on a whole new level because the pressure you put on partners to confirm your worth will be substituted by your own certainty that you are worthy. And then you will find true love.
Hope that made sense. Do not dispair, my friend. At 27 you are pretty damn eligible so your time is far from running out. Be patient and don’t listen to the wrong people. Hope that helped.
Thank you so much! I cling to the negativity in my life, quite often, but I don’t really realize how much good is in my life. I’m currently in that situation right now, so hopefully it’ll pass soon. I was diagnosed with BPD, and that has really played a part in my recent relationships, moreso than it should and it created a lot of problems that I didn’t know how to control at the time. I went through counseling for about eight months before distancing myself and trying to work on solutions in my own time. So far, I’ve done well, but I’m worried to get back in a relationship, because I don’t want my insecurities and such to heighten my BPD. I just need to trust myself that I’m in control and my diagnosis and issue doesn’t define me.
I haven’t spoken much about what I did in my last two serious relationships, but I was to the point where if I wasn’t getting attention and I was being blown off(even though we lived together), I would be overreact and blow up, in such a way that I was emotionally abusive, triggering her PTSD, and accidentally doing things out of my control because I would sort of “black out”. I’ve owned up to each and every situation, but she threw me aside and told me that I was basically a garbage person who didn’t deserve to be in a relationship because I’d always be an abusive dirtbag. I let my head lead my decisions and being diagnosed with BPD, when a situation occurred, I always felt like it was a lot worse than it should be. So, the little problems, turned into huge ones and my trust was limited. I’ve been cheated on by a handful of girls, so it’s something that controlled my recent relationships and I needed to learn to cope with those thoughts. I learned a lot of techniques in counseling sessions and I’ve really made a huge push towards who I want to be, but what she said, seems to stick in my head and because I keep getting used by girls who are potential candidates for a relationship, it makes it seem like she wasn’t lying. I am hopeful though, and I do believe eventually, I will find someone who is accepting and actually put priority into our relationship and wants to spend time with me, rather than blowing me off or cheating.
Don’t worry that much about getting in a relationship. It will come naturally and in the meantime it’s really nice to build one with yourself and love yourself with both the good and the bad!
If I may, I want to share a little bit of my story in hopes of relating to you and helping push you through this difficult season. I’m 26, and I was single for about 8 years (between the ages of 18-26). Part of me didn’t want a relationship because I refused to do long-distance (I was always traveling), and the other part of me purposely set the girl-standards too high so I wouldn’t even be bothered with the possibility of holding a relationship. When I was 23, I decided to start dating around after settling in Nashville. I couldn’t make ANY of of my dates stick around for long (or vise-versa). So then I started doubting myself - what’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Then I heard the quote, “Be the person who you want to marry.” So, I started focusing on myself. Fast-forward to 26 years old (and May 2018), and the girl of my dreams came out of NO WHERE. I wasn’t expecting it, but she flew in from left field and bumped me right on the head. (A different story for a different time).
All of this to say, you might be writing your post today, but tomorrow you could be singing a different tune. Keep your head up and keep pushing forward. I promise you that your time will come.