Sorry about the grammar in advance. This also kind of me reaching out for support but I didn’t want to explicitly put it in the support section because other people have more urgent concerns and shouldn’t be overshadowed by my night sadness.
Another pre-midnight cry, probably my third night in a row now. I never thought it would get this bad, I have always bounced back in the end. No matter how many internal criticisms I throw at myself, I still get up in the morning and feel beautiful. Why? Why do I of all people feel gorgeous in the mornings and ugly in the middle of the night? It is the same with my social media, I can post myself smiling and happy during the day but as soon as the clock strikes 10:30, the tears start to fall. Recently, I have found myself attracted to a random guy on the internet. I have been able to avoid this feeling for my whole prepubescent years but coming up on 18, I cry at night because I can’t find anyone like him. Even writing that sentence makes me feel incredibly stupid, wanting someone to find me attractive has been an issue of mine. It never seems to work and I think internally, I don’t know how to cope with being lonely just yet. Is it bad for me to want to find affection? Am I being selfish wasting my wishes in the universe on something so personal to me? Why aren’t I wishing for world peace? Those are questions I ask myself afterwards, after I have cried myself into a pounding headache. The issue now is that I have tiny little voices (not hallucinations) in my head telling me that I should stop eating and work out. I know that these voices have the potential to push me into the realm of eating disorders, but even so I haven’t told anyone. I think it’s because of two things: social media and my dad leaving. To unpack, a standard psychology student could tell you that I have raging daddy issues. He left when I was six and I never got the validation from my father that causes me to function correctly and create positive male friendships/relationships. That is the boiled down explanation that I tell myself every day. The other part of this issue is social media, whether its Bumble or Instagram, I never seem to get any flirtatious attention. My matches aren’t exciting or interesting to me, it feels unfair to settle. I don’t want to keep living this way. I also have found myself just kind of talking to the universe. I usually start with “why me?” and I know that in the context of this situation it seems selfish but if there’s one thing everyone can agree on, it’s that sometimes it’s okay to be selfish. I just want to know what’s wrong with me. I want to know why I can’t find love in a world with 4.3 Billion people. I want to know where all the guys that I find hot are. I mean (comedic relief) what state do I have to move to? I want to meet someone good. Someone who doesn’t mind that I am chubby or short. Someone who realizes that me being argumentative is really just me being guarded and scared to let someone hurt me again. Maybe this is a cry for help or maybe this is just the ramblings of someone lost and lonely. For a long time, I have been lost and lonely with no happiness in sight. I mean, it was there but I couldn’t use it. I couldn’t appreciate what I have and to this day, I still can’t.
I am also tired of my emotions taking a back seat because other people are suffering too. I am aware that may make me look like an asshole but it’s the truth. Yes, people are dying and the world is burning while I write about not being able to find love in others or myself. To me, this is me dying on the inside. I have become more and more at risk to hurtful thoughts, I have spent years and years training myself to hold them back. Those thoughts don’t go away. The mean words swirling through my head calling me fat and ugly, encouraging me to stop eating all together, and telling me that maybe I would find peace if I were gone, those don’t go away. They just sit on the sidelines until my mental sanity has a crack in its foundation. That’s when they slip out, when I scroll through my Bumble hoping to see someone who could possibly be the person I connect with, that’s when they sneak out. This is the part where I mention { Name Redacted }again because that dude pretty much took a sledgehammer to my mental sanity and everything came crawling out. Imagine being confident enough to put a note with your number on a crushes’ car. Pretty cool right? Now imagine that crush never acknowledging the note in the slightest, here’s the kicker, He told people he would text me and never did. Three weeks in to this whole ordeal. Safe to say, that screwed me up a bit. I am used to breaking my own heart when it comes to guys I like; I put on a sad song and break down all the confidence I had. I tear myself apart and convince myself that no matter what, the guy I like will never like me back. It hurts like hell but it saves me from the embarrassment of being rejected and crying about it. I never cried when he didn’t text the first time. It was when he got my hopes up that it hurt. Long story short, I haven’t recovered from it and I don’t think I will for a while. I just want to stop pretending that someone is holding me when I go to sleep. I don’t want to play pretend anymore. I want to reach out for help and support but I don’t know where to start, these feelings only resurface when I am about to sleep. No therapist is awake at midnight to listen to my sorrowful cries. I really wish I could just have one good break from the universe. Just one little bit of mercy.
