I feel your struggle. Been there and done so many attempts at solving this kind of issue. If I may, I’d like to share what worked for me finally. I only hope it will somehow help you.
My parents are toxic for my health, safety and peace of mind. And I say this as clinically as possible. I love them. They are my parents and I’m programmed to love them. Knowing what they’ve done to me, knowing that they aren’t gonna change, I still love them. Have I been successful in keeping myself out of their clutches? No. They are still in my life. But they lost the power to hurt me. After more than a decade, I was finally able to unchain myself from their toxicity.
It was not through physical détachement. It was through recognition that they only have power to hurt me when I react to them. I no longer rush to serve them. I no longer react to their words or actions. Every time I deal with them, I chant to myself that their words reflect who they are. Their actions reflect who they are. Not me. Never me.
I’m not their toy. I won’t be used. I won’t be manipulated. That’s not what love means to me. Loving is forgiving. Loving is accepting and moving on. Loving them is to allow them to live as they please and at the same time, respecting myself enough to give value to my own choices as well. When I say no, I mean it. When I say I’m busy, I mean it. When I refuse to play their games, I’m making a stand for myself and showing them the real me. Not their version or preference of me.
They can share the air that I breathe. They can walk the same streets and live in the same space. But they will never erase who I am. They will not be able to change me into their version or their fancy and whims.
And in loving them, I’m gonna simply refuse to take responsibility for their actions and choices. I’m no longer involved in their dramas. My no will be firm, respectful and always pro-me.
Eleanor Roosevelt was right… No one can hurt me if I chose not to allow them to. Their hard words mean nothing to me. I’m above that. Their cruelties are a reflection of them. I’m better than that. And each day I share my life with them, they keep proving me right. I’m not a limb in their bodies. I’m an individual in my own right.
Keep chanting this philosophy until it becomes second nature to you… And you will be alright. It may take time to get to that point, but sooner rather than later, you too will be alright. You too will be unaffected by foolishness of others. You too will see that that others being bad doesn’t make you bad either. And you won’t be coloured in the same tarnish as them…
Until you get there, I’m here for you. I support you. I will listen to you. Always…