Hey all. Long time no see. I’ve dealt with a lot in my past and thanks to everyone here, I’ve started to heal. Just gonna say this now-- this is gonna be a very long post with mentions of depression and self harm. Just a warning.
This first part is just an update to the last thing (I think) I posted-- my former roommate hasn’t contacted me at all and even though some of you suggested messaging her first, I think it would be better for me if I just left it all alone and let her try and reach out instead-- if I were to message her first, I would end up giving her a lot of attitude and it wouldn’t help anything.
Onto the second and final part of this post. Some people have suggested writing a letter to whoever it was that hurt you, saying it would help to sort of put your feelings into words without having someone else there to interject or stop you. So that’s what I did. Here’s the letter that I wrote to my ex-best friend:
You were my best friend. We talked every single day for over a year and you knew everything about me. Two years ago today is the day you came to visit and I couldn’t have been happier. But then we went back to my dorm. From there you were all T*****’s. I felt like I couldn’t even look at you let alone speak to you without her glaring and getting angry. My anxiety was so bad that week— I couldn’t even be in the room with you both without feeling excluded. And you were my best friend! You always wanted to include me but I felt like I was always unwanted or intruding. The amount of times you had to come find me and calm me down after I ran from the room crying should’ve told me then that something was wrong— that shouldn’t have been how I got to spend time with you where we could just be. On the day you left, I couldn’t see you off because I couldn’t afford to miss another class. The hug you gave me before leaving was one of the best I ever had— I cried as soon as the door shut. Then it all started to go downhill from there. You started talking to me less and less, only sending a Snapchat to keep the streak going. T***** started to lash out at me and abuse me mentally and emotionally so bad that my health and grades began to suffer greatly. It was clear who’s side you had chosen and god did it hurt me to delete you— I lost over a year’s worth of memories and laughs that I will never get back…memories that meant so much to me.
You had done the one thing you promised you would never do— you kicked me to the curb.
So did T*****.
You kicked me to the curb just like the other ‘friends’ I had did in high school.
After my freshman year of college came to a close, came the loneliest summer of my life. The mental and emotional abuse T***** caused had me near failing most of my classes, as I just couldn’t deal with the stress of doing any good work while dealing with the stress of being in the same room with her. My mental health was shot to hell— I’m now burdened with the scars and still struggle with the little things that remind me of you and the pain you’ve caused me.
I wanted to die that summer. I wanted to end my life so I wouldn’t have to deal with the hurt or loneliness anymore. Yes, I had other friends and a now fiancé that loved me dearly, but they were not able to fill the void that you left. At one point, I snapped and burned everything you ever gave me— letters, shirts, drawings, everything. I burned everything that was tainted by memories of you. Yet I still hurt.
Two years later, I am mostly free of the pain. I have my bad days where the world is against me and I end up hearing a video that we used to reference all the time, bringing you and the memories back. It still hurts, a lot. I know I should have moved on by now and I have for the most part. I’m not the same girl I was two years ago. I’m stronger now, but have walls to protect myself from people like you. Walls that you built yourself because I clearly didn’t mean that much to you.
What I really have to say to you is, quite honestly, go fuck yourself. Fuck you and everything you did to push me away. It feels so GOOD to tell you to go fuck yourself. It’s not fair that you got to go be happy while I wanted to die. I hope you can live with yourself knowing you are the reason another human being wanted to end their life. I hope karma treats you right.