Letting alcohol and emotions run my life..please advise

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This year has been rough, and to be honest the ones before that weren’t exactly Disneyland, but this is the one that really brought me down mentally. I broke. Via car crash, medical bills, new engine costs, torn acl, surgery, loss of my usual stress release (the gym), more medical bills, change in hormones, spike in mood swings and depression, insomnia, and not dealing with it all the right way…

I broke.

I knew I needed to work on myself, but instead, I used going out with my friends every chance I could, to cope with hating where I was in life.

It took me a really long time to realize (and maybe it was the start of the year that really did it), but I started having a problem controlling my drinking. I dont drink all the time, but now when I do, it’s all or nothing.

Consequentially, I’m very sure I just lost the man I love. Every time I would black out, I would text him stupid and mean things. I would call until he let me come over and start fights over “the other girl” that didn’t exist. I only know this because I would wake up and read through my own messages. I wouldn’t fully understand how the girl that loved him so much would turn into the mean, hateful, verbally abusive person in the texts. I would spend two days paralyzed in anxiety. I would hate myself. I would apologize and promise that it wouldn’t happen again… until it did.

He has taken all of it. He was there for me through everything this year and each time would tell me it’s ok and he knows I’m not that person. He would brush it off until the next time and over again. I took him for granted. He messed up and made mistakes too, so I guess subconsciously (in some fluffed up way) it seemed justified. I couldn’t remember any of it either, so it seemed distant from who I was.

This last month, I stayed at his house for his surgery recovery. For new years he told me he wanted to see his other friends that he hadnt seen for so long. Sober me said “no worries, have a good night (kissy face)” and had full intentions of having a good night with my other friends as well. Then drunk, blacked out me responded to his really nice happy new years text with a bunch of the same old BS.

I’m really scared that this time I’ve finally pushed him to his breaking point of knowing he would be better off without me in his life. I want so badly to show him that I can change, but I also want to give him space. I want him to know how sorry I am, but I feel like a broken record. I dont want to give him space and then when I reach out, he is already gone or over me. Its been two days since we talked. I know that’s not much, but when I do finally talk to him, I don’t know how to apologize. I’ve already made the decision to stop drinking… but maybe I decided to get help too late.

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Hi @MaybeTayToday,

Thank you for sharing all of this friend. I hear you. Last year has been really tough and I hope for you that 2020 will be better.

For what it’s worth as we don’t know each other, I’m really proud of you right now for writing this message. Realizing that you struggle with alcohol is a huge, huge step. And it takes courage to face this. You are brave. And I like to think that this is a beginning of a journey that will be really positive to you.

I’m sorry to hear about your relationship. Drinking can make us do things we regret later. It exacerbates many different emotions at the samme time. It’s quite normal if you don’t recognize yourself in this behavior an I really want to acknowledge that you’re more than your current struggles with drinking. It’s not something that defines you as a person. It’s a hardship you have to face right now and admitting what’s going on is incredibly powerful.

And right now, I think having a serious conversation with your companion could be needed. Not to make promises, but to let him now that something changed and, right now, you’re aware that there’s a problem and you need help. It sounds really positive that he remained patient until now and it makes me think that he would certainly be glad to help you in this process. It’s not easy to have this kind of conversation, to share this level of vulnerability. But you can do this friend. You managed to write this message and make understandable what you’re going through to me, and I’m just a complete stranger writing from the other side of the world. So I can only encourage you to do the same with your partner. It’s never too late to get help.

Hang in there. You’re in a growing process and at the beginning of a positive transition in your life.
It won’t always be easy to fight against drinking habits or urges. But you’ve got this. :heart:

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Hello. I read your post and am also proud of you for reaching out for support. I decided to quit drinking last February because alcohol was controlling me. I, too, couldn’t just stop at a few drinks. I thought I could drink in moderation, but I couldn’t. After about 3 weeks of not drinking I decided to try AA because I thought I needed support if I was going to keep this up. At first I just listened to what the others in the room said, and many stories were like yours and like mine. I didn’t think I was an alcoholic because I really could control it if I wanted to. And yet, I had always had a nagging argument going on in the back of my mind about drinking. Did I drink too much? Couldn’t I just have a couple and be fine? What will my husband do if I stop? Well, after sitting in AA meetings for a while, I realized that I needed to admit that I had a problem and after that it got a lot easier. I suspect that if you committed to some kind of program to obtain sobriety your boyfriend would see you really mean what you say. That you do want to quit. The only thing is, we can never say we’ll never drink again. It’s a choice we make every new morning and hopefully he can support you in that. Good luck and God bless!

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I don’t think it’s ever too late. Yes, you should focus on yourself, start now, don’t wait any longer. This guy you talk about sees the good in you, but you need to see it too. He wants to be there when you do.

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Thank you for your kind words. They really lifted my spirits, and I needed that.

I did talk to my partner on the phone briefly yesterday and we touched base with how both of us were doing. I apologized for how I had been treating him and that I could finally put myself in his shoes. I apologized for not being able to see what I was doing sooner and that I cant give him that time back, but that I will work hard to better myself for the future. He said I sounded like I was doing a bit better already.

Thank you.

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That is seriously exactly how I am. I didn’t think I was an alcoholic because I wasn’t drinking every day, but I realized I couldn’t control it when I did. Thank you for sharing your story. It is always nice to know that Im not alone. Im sorry that you went through the same things and I hope it has all gotten easier for you.

I started in therapy and have been thinking seriously about AA. Im usually impatient, but I know it will take time to earn his trust and am willing to do what it takes.

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You are absolutely right. I spent a year not making any goals and just drinking so it was hard to see the good in myself, because I didn’t have anything to show for it.

Thank you.

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