This year has been rough, and to be honest the ones before that weren’t exactly Disneyland, but this is the one that really brought me down mentally. I broke. Via car crash, medical bills, new engine costs, torn acl, surgery, loss of my usual stress release (the gym), more medical bills, change in hormones, spike in mood swings and depression, insomnia, and not dealing with it all the right way…
I knew I needed to work on myself, but instead, I used going out with my friends every chance I could, to cope with hating where I was in life.
It took me a really long time to realize (and maybe it was the start of the year that really did it), but I started having a problem controlling my drinking. I dont drink all the time, but now when I do, it’s all or nothing.
Consequentially, I’m very sure I just lost the man I love. Every time I would black out, I would text him stupid and mean things. I would call until he let me come over and start fights over “the other girl” that didn’t exist. I only know this because I would wake up and read through my own messages. I wouldn’t fully understand how the girl that loved him so much would turn into the mean, hateful, verbally abusive person in the texts. I would spend two days paralyzed in anxiety. I would hate myself. I would apologize and promise that it wouldn’t happen again… until it did.
He has taken all of it. He was there for me through everything this year and each time would tell me it’s ok and he knows I’m not that person. He would brush it off until the next time and over again. I took him for granted. He messed up and made mistakes too, so I guess subconsciously (in some fluffed up way) it seemed justified. I couldn’t remember any of it either, so it seemed distant from who I was.
This last month, I stayed at his house for his surgery recovery. For new years he told me he wanted to see his other friends that he hadnt seen for so long. Sober me said “no worries, have a good night (kissy face)” and had full intentions of having a good night with my other friends as well. Then drunk, blacked out me responded to his really nice happy new years text with a bunch of the same old BS.
I’m really scared that this time I’ve finally pushed him to his breaking point of knowing he would be better off without me in his life. I want so badly to show him that I can change, but I also want to give him space. I want him to know how sorry I am, but I feel like a broken record. I dont want to give him space and then when I reach out, he is already gone or over me. Its been two days since we talked. I know that’s not much, but when I do finally talk to him, I don’t know how to apologize. I’ve already made the decision to stop drinking… but maybe I decided to get help too late.