Life going nowhere

I’m 22 this year and I feel like my life is genuinely going nowhere no matter how hard I try. I work very hard and always focus on my attitude and discipline. I get any task at hand done well and efficiently but no matter what things I try to do, I just feel completely lost and I literally feel like I have no purpose to live. I lost all my passions throughout my depression and I literally don’t seem to have any interest no matter how hard I try…I come from an extremely toxic mentally abusive family and my mom has indirectly told me that it were best if I killed myself so that it’ll lessen everyone’s burden. I’ve been caught 2 times with each attempt and 1 more where it failed halfway. 2 times were trying to jump off a building but got caught by guards. The 3rd time was hanging myself in my room but the rope snapped halfway. Every day I feed strays, go to ponds to feed fishes, donate clothes from time to time and head to a nearby beach to pick up trash to feel better…Literally doing good deeds for nothing in return…Daily walks, reading and just about anything, but I always end up coming home feeling like a complete futureless burden… I’m an outcast in my own country because I can’t get along with people here because of different mentality and I just feel like I’m meant to be alone and die by commiting suicide soon… My letter is already stored in my laptop.

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Dear @KTthecatlady,

I am sorry that you feel this way. Speaking from personal experience either with myself or the people I know being in your 20s plain sucks. Whoever says that any other age gap is difficult should take a seat. Should actually take several seats.

This is the age where life feels very directionless, people leave you or you move away, you try to figure yourself out and are plagued with thoughts that you’re going to die alone, you go through heartbreak, feelings of abandonment, bad decisions and sometimes good times as well. Sounds familiar? Yes, it is because I am like that and everyone else in our age gap is like that. So the good thing is you are not alone, my friend!!

Now what I can tell you for sure is, you are worthy and lovable and you are actually doing the right thing. Keep doing your charity works, be kind to others. Do not expect anything in return. It actually bothered me when you said that you get nothing in return. Why should you? Doing good things to others should not be about rewards but about helping and in the process bettering yourself as a human being. Take a step back to appreciate the things you are doing and know that there are very few people willing to be selfless out there. There is nothing you should change about that but be more appreciative of helping others and thus, growing on your own as a person.

Parents are a difficult entity, that is true. I come from a family of abandonment and mental illnesses so I grew up with the anti-example of how parents should be. But that does not define you as a person. Do not stop growing and be kind to yourself in spite of your parents. I know you can do it.

So, to conclude my advice is to get back on your feet, be appreciative of the kindness and beauty that is out there in the world. Learn to see it and keep on spreading it. If you feel alone, you came to the right place. Write us, open up and it will all be okay. You are worthy and never alone in your struggles.

All love,
Soda

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Ah, sorry I think my message was being misunderstood because of the way i wrote it. I do a lot of things because of kindness itself and I never expect anything in return, and as you said yes, i do it because I believe love can heal the world. But each time I get home, it feels the same and it literally just feels like i’m going nowhere… I literally don’t have any friends here but only 1 but is studyinf abroad and 2 that are online…I just feel horribly insignificant and I just don’t know what to feel anymore but wonder about euthanasia…

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Yesa I understand. Not having friends feels terrible and loneliness is the driver for many people doubting the value of life, me included.

There are things you can do about that. Coming here is one of them. You can talk to people and actually make friends. This is a great community. As for real life, I know this is the generic advice but is there any hobby you can pick up,join a club or a sports activity, going to the library and asking anyone to help find a book? Everything can spark a conversation with people.

And if that does not help,know that nothing is permanent. You won’t be stuck all your life in one place. You will meet new people either by circumstance such as a new job or study course or by choice (see above). Be open to the future and I promise this will all get better. ^^

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I genuinely appreciate the replies and I do understand… But honestly I have tried a whole lot of things till options being ran out… I can’t really go anywhere due to financial issues… I just really want to leave here because I have never belonged from the beginning… but thank you again for the respond…

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@KTthecatlady Hold on, you will manage.

You are under a big burden, my friend. Facing depression alone is an enormous task, and I am impressed and astonished by your willing to do charity even when you are ao in need. That proves something: you are strong.

The problem is that the main thing you get when facing depression ia that feeling of going nowhere, of being hopeless and seeing no exit. Well, your first step is right at the tip of your nose.
Do you relieve when cleaning beaches? There are fundations that organize and do a collaborative cleaning, and maybe you could volunteer with them and find friends: 4ocean, parley, savetheocean, are the ones I know, you should contact them.
Do you like feeding fishes? Animalistic movements are all around the world, and maybe you could feel better when not only feedong them, but helping stray animals or captive ones.
Do you like donating clothes? Maybe you just like helping people, there are sheltera for homeless people that always need help, not only donations. Bit someone to organize the donations wash dishes or cook something, most of these are related to a church if you don’t know where to find them. And this are the places where you will find both true grattitude and true friendship.

See? you have been doing all this stuff alone, and that’s why you can’t see how worthy it is. Having a group of people, all feom different places and stories, getting together to do a task as simple as picking up thrash in beaches becomes a significant and powerful activity when you see together you cleaned an entire beach.

Your heart is gold (like in the State Champs song), you have so much love to give and I know you will flourish as a beautiful person once you get over this.

And most important, keep in contact here with us, you are important to us. I want you to live, to love, to be loved and I’m sure there are more people thinking the same as me. Please tell us how are you doing tomorrow, we will do this together.

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@KTthecatlady I’m so glad that rope snapped. I’m so grateful for those guards. You’re a beautiful person. I’m 22 next month still living in a toxic, abusive household and I feel like everyday is a pointless battle. You can beat this. You werent meant to die those 3 times previous. You’re not a lost cause. You’re not hopeless. Life will start to give you what you want but for now you need to step back and look after yourself. You can do this. I’m not saying stop doing all these selfless things. I’m suggesting you make time fore yourself in between.

Hold fast
Kayla

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Thank you so much for responding and honestly I do know that there are campaigns like those out there but I really don’t have the time to do so because I have so much going on in my life and especially career wise… it’s really hard to do so because of my job and I really have to work on my working attitude… everything feels like it’s not enough and also it’s not that I don’t wanna put myself out there but I just feel like I have a lot of things to fix about myself and i’m incredibly unstable inside…

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Thank you so so much… everything’s really getting out of hand somehow and I’m trying every way i can not to take that leap and kill myself. But it’s just so tempting to end the pain so quickly or through euthanasia. But i really do appreiciate everyone that responds here…

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I know. I completely understand. I spend most days wishing my overdose worked. Get to know some people in this community. I have a handful of people I’m very close with - they are the thing that keeps me alive. Find yourself a few people like that and let them guide you through it. It works. We love you. We believe in you. We are proud of you for reaching out.

Hold fast
Kayla

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Hey @KTthecatlady,

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. When all hope seems lost, remember that we care for you deeply here at HeartSupport.

You’re definitely no alone with experiencing anxiety/depression within the midst of feeling purposelessness. I’m currently seeing a counselor, dealing with a really similar topic. Have you considered seeing a professional counselor? It is one of the best things I’ve ever done because I feel so, so good after every session. I’m sure you’ll feel the same way if you find someone who you click with. Medication also helps take the edge off of what you’re feeling, so I would also recommend that.

The 20s is a decade of changing and self-discovery. I’m 26 and I’m SO much different than I was when I was 20, and I still have 4 years to go until I’m 30. Heck, life has changed a lot in just 2 years, who knows where I’ll be in 2020? Same applies to you - who knows where you’ll be in a couple of years? 2012 was the worst year of my life, followed by 2013 coming in 2nd place. Unbeknownst to me at the time, 2014 would turn out to be the best year of my life. Keep holding on. You’re strong. We believe in you.

-Eric

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Thank you so so much, i do have a few of friends like those and i truly appreciate all of you guys here :slight_smile:

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Thank you gorgeous hoomans, i will keep on trying and I really do appreciate the huge effort on the replies :heart:

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Hey @KTthecatlady! How are things going for you today?
I meditated a lot about your experiences and what you have told us these days. Well I feel very lucky for my situation and getting to know stories like yours is truly inspiring. Your will is tremendous and in a position that has given you so many hard times it is an act of bravery to talk about your problems.

I see you have been through so much time through this, and you fear this will last for as long as you live. But believe me when I tell you that it will not. We live in a world of change and transformation and I can wait to know how you will do with your convictions and experiences in the future. This world has big things awaiting for you, be strong, be patient. We are here with you and this is a fight we’ll face together.

Hold fast

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