All,
I want to thank you for your support over two months ago. These past two months have been some of the lowest in my life, but by embracing the process of therapy and pastoral meetings offered by my site pastor and mentors, I’m on my way to rehabilitation.
In therapy, it has become apparent that the lies I told and the comments I made about the young woman I was interested in were symptoms, not the actual problem. We promptly began cognitive behavioral therapy, and over time - as old repressed memories began to come to the surface - it became apparent that I had been living in a state of fear for well over 10 years, effectively causing my frontal lobe to misfunction. The fear that I had experienced came from a family member making it clear to me at an early age (16 to be exact) that I had no control over who I would fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with. After seeing the carnage that this person’s poor judgment had in my family members’ love lives, (including a marriage in which there was spousal rape and one that ended due to domestic abuse) the initial fear turned into neurotic anxiety, causing me to live in a state of perpetual fear over an outcome of life that most likely will not happen. Lying became a method of protecting myself from the subconscious trigger; an effort to take control of something I’ve always had control over, but I believed otherwise. Due to my frontal lobe not functioning properly, I was unable to think of the cause and effect that the lies I told could have, as the frontal lobe handles the responsibility of rational decision-making. In short, I was afraid of not having control in my love life, and the fear became so prevalent that it lessoned the function of a vital part of my brain, allowing lies and over-exaggerations to flow more freely then the average person would allow.
Once this was dispelled and brought to light, I quickly began to understand not only my affliction in this situation but also the turmoil that I had placed other people in. In fact, one day as I was driving and listening to a podcast about someone who had endured years of deception, it became abundantly clear the heartache, anger, sadness, and trauma that I had inflicted upon others. When I addressed this with my therapist, she informed me that this was a sign that my frontal lobe was beginning to function properly again, and I was well on my way to - in the future - make amends with the people who would be willing to listen. There are still 4 women I am not allowed to come into contact with, but hopefully, once this process is over in 10 months they will be willing to sit down and have a conversation to bring reconciliation if they so choose. There is one that I hope I can reconcile with, one that I know will not be willing to meet with me, one with whom I may need to bring in a mutual mentor in order to have the conversation in the first place, and one who is aware of the situation, yet still treats me as if nothing has ever happened and cares about me.
And the job front, I am currently taking a course to attain an insurance license, as I have been hired into a company to help other companies create insurance benefits packages for their employees. If all goes well, I should be out in the field by the end of the month.
I will continue to keep you all updated as time goes on and if anything changes, but for now, thank you all for listening and giving me hope. I didn’t mention this in the first post, but I was on the brink of self-deletion when I first joined this community, and reading your comments stopped me from making the biggest mistake in my life and helped me see a sliver of light in my life. So, once again, thank you all.
God bless.
