Life has turned upside down in one week, and it's my fault

In the past week, my life has turned upside down, and the worst part about it is, it’s my own fault.

I was fired from my job at a church due to years of deception surrounding m relationships with girls, on top of pretending to be authorized to give pastoral counseling. Though I had counseled one person, I passed it off as if I did it with multiple people. I also made comments outside of work about the appearance of a young woman I was interested in that, though not predatory, was cause for concern. My employment was terminated this past Thursday, I am now regulated to attend only one site for the next year, and I am not allowed to contact the four women I lied to or lied about for the next year. I’m not angry over being fired or the restrictions; what angers me I that I have allowed myself to go this far off. Yesterday I began therapy to help get to the root cause and create a rehabilitation plan, but still, my heart hurts over the fact that I’ve blown it big time. I’m trying to keep my head above water, but emotionally, I keep finding myself sinking.


Thank you for being so open and brave, it’s not always easy to say the things that we feel guilt about. I’m really proud of you for seeking therapy and for taking time to acknowledge that things didn’t play out in the best way they could have.

I am so sorry you’re hurting right now, I really do hope that in time those feelings of anger towards yourself start to turn into feelings of grace and forgiveness. There is a time to take accountability and a time to heal and show ourselves some kindness. Neither of those are easy things to come to terms with, but I do hope that with support it can be possible.

I hope you can feel supported and cared for in this community


You aren’t sinking any more. You’re at the bottom looking up. I don’t know if there’s a way to shorten the process of healing your heart, but that it does hurt is proof that it’s open and willing to heal. That’s a huge step and one that a lot of people never reach. With therapy and commitment, you never have to go so far off track again. Sometimes we don’t know we’re going off track until we’re pretty far off of it. Therapy can keep that from happening.

It took courage to face your problems honestly. Perhaps someday, your story will help someone else get back on the right track.


I think it takes a lot of courage to take a deep look inside and face your biggest troubles. Sometimes major things in life need to happen to act as a catalyst for change. I get that it’s rough right now but once you come face to face with these issues it only makes it easier to make different choices in the future. I wish you good luck in your therapy journey.


From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello and welcome to HeartSupport. Thank you for trusting us with your story :hrtlegolove:

I’m really proud of you for beginning therapy and I hope it works well for you :crossed_fingers:


From: Lisalovesfeathers

Welcome to Heartsupport, I am sorry you have found yourself in a situation like this. thank you for sharing your story and I hope you manage to get the help you want. You have lost your job but with help you never know what your future holds. good luck.


From: twixremix

thank you for your vulnerability in this difficult time. it takes strength to want to discover the root cause and work on solving these things rather than allowing these things to take a deeper grasp of your life. i hope your therapist guides you up over water, allowing you to grab a life-jacket and climb aboard a rescue boat. the journey to get above water again will most likely be difficult but the moment you start to breathe air again will make it all worth it. with you learning from these mistakes and tackling the issues in a controlled environment of therapy sessions, there’s no doubt in my mind that you will rise above the water again. so keep swimming, you got this.


From: Mystrose

Hi Friend welcome to Heart Support. I’m glad to hear you’re seeking help to figure out the root cause. I hope that everything works out for you. ~Mystrose


Hey Gholman,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and trusting us. It does sound like you understand that your actions were not acceptable, and I truly hope that your journey to handling your past actions and growing from them goes well.


Thank you for sharing your story and being honest about the mistakes you know you have made. I am sorry that your actions have resulted in you losing your role within the church.

I understand your anger at allowing yourself to get into a situation you know you let go too far. Heindsite can make it easier to see where we took the wrong turn; however, things may have been less apparent then. The fact that you are willing to admit that you made mistakes is a positive sign, and already being in therapy is another.

What is done is done, and unfortunately, no matter how much you want to change that you can’t - you will need to move on. That doesn’t mean you should ignore your choices but you shouldn’t dwell on them. Beating yourself up over your actions will only prevent you from moving forward and healing. You may not be able to make amends, but you can take accountability. Then in the moments you find yourself sinking, take comfort in this.

Already embracing the therapy offered is a big step in the right direction. With time and dedication to your rehabilitation, there is no reason why you cannot rebuild your life.



I want to thank you for your support over two months ago. These past two months have been some of the lowest in my life, but by embracing the process of therapy and pastoral meetings offered by my site pastor and mentors, I’m on my way to rehabilitation.

In therapy, it has become apparent that the lies I told and the comments I made about the young woman I was interested in were symptoms, not the actual problem. We promptly began cognitive behavioral therapy, and over time - as old repressed memories began to come to the surface - it became apparent that I had been living in a state of fear for well over 10 years, effectively causing my frontal lobe to misfunction. The fear that I had experienced came from a family member making it clear to me at an early age (16 to be exact) that I had no control over who I would fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with. After seeing the carnage that this person’s poor judgment had in my family members’ love lives, (including a marriage in which there was spousal rape and one that ended due to domestic abuse) the initial fear turned into neurotic anxiety, causing me to live in a state of perpetual fear over an outcome of life that most likely will not happen. Lying became a method of protecting myself from the subconscious trigger; an effort to take control of something I’ve always had control over, but I believed otherwise. Due to my frontal lobe not functioning properly, I was unable to think of the cause and effect that the lies I told could have, as the frontal lobe handles the responsibility of rational decision-making. In short, I was afraid of not having control in my love life, and the fear became so prevalent that it lessoned the function of a vital part of my brain, allowing lies and over-exaggerations to flow more freely then the average person would allow.

Once this was dispelled and brought to light, I quickly began to understand not only my affliction in this situation but also the turmoil that I had placed other people in. In fact, one day as I was driving and listening to a podcast about someone who had endured years of deception, it became abundantly clear the heartache, anger, sadness, and trauma that I had inflicted upon others. When I addressed this with my therapist, she informed me that this was a sign that my frontal lobe was beginning to function properly again, and I was well on my way to - in the future - make amends with the people who would be willing to listen. There are still 4 women I am not allowed to come into contact with, but hopefully, once this process is over in 10 months they will be willing to sit down and have a conversation to bring reconciliation if they so choose. There is one that I hope I can reconcile with, one that I know will not be willing to meet with me, one with whom I may need to bring in a mutual mentor in order to have the conversation in the first place, and one who is aware of the situation, yet still treats me as if nothing has ever happened and cares about me.

And the job front, I am currently taking a course to attain an insurance license, as I have been hired into a company to help other companies create insurance benefits packages for their employees. If all goes well, I should be out in the field by the end of the month.

I will continue to keep you all updated as time goes on and if anything changes, but for now, thank you all for listening and giving me hope. I didn’t mention this in the first post, but I was on the brink of self-deletion when I first joined this community, and reading your comments stopped me from making the biggest mistake in my life and helped me see a sliver of light in my life. So, once again, thank you all.

God bless.


It’s so good to hear from you again, and I’m really proud of you for the progress you’re making. I know it’s probably been a very hard road for you, but you’ve taken note and acknowledged the urgency of needing change.

I really hope this new job is going well for you.


Good to hear you have begun a journey towards healing. Be patient with yourself, will take time and care to continue your recovery. Keep looking towards the sliver of light until it becomes a bright beam!


Hey, thank you for posting that update.
Becoming a better person often hurts a lot as we recognize our past errors and mistakes. I feel glad that you have a diagnosis from someone who is helping you address it.
I shall root for you as you keep up the work.


hey gholman,

thank you for sharing this update with us. i’m really thankful you’ve found so much value in your therapy sessions and pastoral meetings. from what you’ve written in your update, the scientific side of what your brain is going through probably provided a lot of clarity for you. even if those that you’ve hurt aren’t comfortable with sitting down with you, the biggest reconciliation you are able to walk away with is the one with yourself. almost 2 months ago, you were sinking. but with this update, it sounds like you’ve found a boat to help guide you back to shore.

with your last paragraph, i’m grateful you are here today and could feel the support and encouragement from this community. to know that you’re taking this low point in your life and growing from it, it’s the very reason i love this community so much. hope to hear from you again soon on how your journey is going for you. we believe in you.



Hi Gholman, Thank you for your update, it is very good to hear that life has improved for you so much since you late posted and that you have found a reason for the behaviour you had been portraying albeit stemming from something unpleasant you went through. the good thing is that now you can deal with that and like you said make up for any heartache you have caused, that should give some relief to everyone concerned. I hope moving forward your life goes from strength to strength and that new beginnings can be had. best of luck Lisa. x