Life haven't been right

I once told my friend that the reason i never self harmed myself was because i wanted to join the military, and you can’t get in if you self harm. A few months later i fought that urge to the point that i just gave up fighting with my mind to not give into the urge but i failed just like i always do. I once told her that i did self harmed and she made me promise her to not do it anymore, but i can’t stop myself sometimes i can, but i just give in. So when she ask me have i been cutting i tell her no, but deep down im lying to her, cause i dont know how to stop. Sometimes i tell myself you are faking feeling depressed all the time, then i think to myself why can’t I just snap out of it, why do i feel like shit, why do i hate myself, why do i hate how much weight i then put on these last few couple of years, why can’t i just be myself, why can’t I love myself. I want my family to say i see you and i know you are hurting without me having to tell them. I laugh when im with my family but deep down I feel like i dont deserve happiness so when i get home and be in my room i cry and take long bathes and listen to music cause i dont know what else i can do.


i also once promised my bf that i would stop but then i kept doing it not because i wanted to but i just felt like it was my only option and i just couldn’t stop. he was so disappointed in me it made me feel worse. You are not faking it you are actually hurting and in pain. some times we blame ourselves well alot actually but it’s not your fault you feel this way and there is NO WAY that you could just be instantly happy it takes time you have to learn to love yourself and accept yourself and acknowledge the way your feeling. Family tends to not want to acknowledge if your sad sometimes because they don’t know how to help or they don’t want to offend you in some way or make you feel bad. YOU DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY what you don’t deserve is to bad sad or feel the way your feeling your are worth so much and no one deserves that i am here if you want to talk i will listen and reply