I hate my life. I’ve been like this for many years, despite therapy and antidepressants. I’ve run out of options. I try to bury myself in video games and other distractions but I can’t ignore the fact that most of my days are grey and I have no ambitions or aspirations. No meaning to give to my life. I really struggle to make and keep friends. I feel distant from everyone around me, including my family. Everyday is a struggle but I’ve run out of ideas of what to do. After ten years of therapy I’m even getting tired of being given advice.
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I’ve been in the grey so long, the thought of colour hurts me.
I’d like to be amongst the bright and cheery pigments,
But it has been so long I cannot find my way.
Can I even remember when I used to be blue and green and shades of pink?
Laughter is golden, peace is violet,
An inspired mind is silver-speckled pearl.
I’ve heard the words, they lie in piles
in my cave of grey,
How does one escape the grey prison of the mind?
You inspired me to write a poem! 
Have you ever tried meditation? You’ve been told so many things over the years, so I won’t add to it right now… But one way to defeat the grey dragon is to tame the grey dragon, to get it to work for you instead of against you.
No ambitions and aspirations is a great place to start. Tell us more about you, what you used to like to do, what hobbies you had, what genre of games you found the most enjoyment in, etc.
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that’s a nice poem. I appreciate it.
there is colour in my life, but it’s so erratic and far between.
i used to meditate. id try again, but to be honest, i cant sit in one position for long these days 
I go for a lot of walks, but theyre very boring
hobbies is hard to pin down… i dont like this topic because it’s hard to summarise my weird life. i drift in and out of interest in things. ive never had anything i can consistently do, kill the time with.
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Hiya Dusty and Welcome to Heartsupport. Thankyou for taking the time to share some of your feelings here.
I can certainly relate to a lot of your story, Until a 6 months ago I could have written a fair bit of that myself so I felt I had to respond to you.
When you feel like this you get in to that vicious circle. You get depressed and cant do things, people ask you to try, you try and it doesn’t work so you give up, people see you give up and get exasperated with you and they lose faith in you, then you lose more faith in yourself get more depressed and tired and so it goes on, Everyday does become a struggle and its damn hard to get out of that because it also becomes a habit, a habit we get used to even though its not one that is enjoyable its manageable and the effort to get out of it is just too much.
Well You do have the power to make changes so that’s a positive because thankfully you only need to make tiny changes which wont take a lot of power or energy so hopefully that should be ok and its a great start, so I’m not going to give you a lot of advice, I’m going to give you a link to a short YouTube video by one of our HeartSupport Streamers that has helped me, he’s brilliant.
(23) Why It’s SO Hard to set Healthy Boundaries and Break Bad Habits - Self-Care Mental Health Tips - YouTube
See what you think, I hope it helps. Caseys videos have helped me an awful lot.
Good luck friend
Much Love
Lisa 
thanks for the video, it was interesting and described my situation. but ive spent so long thinking about how to be in a better place. i really dont know how to be. it feels like my body and mind so heavily bias me to stay where i am. it’s so hard to make friends, try new things, even make money or study anymore. everything reinforces itself until im in this scary grey cage. i try every day to change things, but it’s not working.
I really do understand where you are right now, its not nice place to be but every thing else seems such a long way away and almost impossible to reach. Id be lying to you. I said to you that I had been where you are are and I would be lying to you if I said that my life was turned around now, it is a lot more positive and life feels very different but there is still a long way to go and there are still the odd days when I feel very much like you do but being here at heartsupport around people that genuinely care, that want to support and help give you a different view on how life and people can be, That’s why I sent you that video and that is such a tiny part of what its all about and who and what they represent and I’m not an advertisement for heart support.
This is just my experience of the whole community. If you know twitch and get chance, check out the live streams, they are really chilled out people talking online whilst the streamer does art or answers posts you can watch or join in. It would give you a better idea just how many people are around that feel a lot like you or have other issues that they just want to vent about and we all support one another, give each other ideas or just listen to one another and yes make friends too. The worst that can happen is that it can put a bit of color in your day.
Id love to see you in one of the streams one day.
https://heartsupport.com/resources/#live
love Lisa x
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