Life is Heavy

Life has been really hard lately. I have felt more alone in the past couple months than I ever have before. I constantly feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over my head that taints everything. I constantly feel like isolating and wanting to be alone, but then wishing I had friends that cared about me enough to check in on me. I constantly have to look ok on the outside and maintain grades in college and go to work. But deep down on the inside I struggle with wanting to be alive almost every day. On really hard days I think about all the things that I could do to not exist anymore. For the past year and a half I have used cutting to deal with my emotions and what I feel. When I feel alone or I’m going through something hard, I do it. It one way to cope with everything and it’s better than ending my existence. I just feel really alone and unseen. I feel invisible and worthless a lot of the time.

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Hello mdr,
welcome to Heart Support. You are very brave with your post.
I know how that feels, i was very isolated by myself the last couple of years. When something
happened, i just moved on, was seeking peace in beeing isolated.
I had only my work. Right know i am struggling a lot. I had very very difficult months.

You did very good with posting here. That is something you should feel better later. Let everything
out, reach and speak it out.
For me this things help, when i am feeling down i go for a little walk, or do something that keeps my
mind working. So i dont think about my worries for a litte amount of time.
Afterwards im also tired but i feel bettter. Give it a try.

I am proud of you, we are proud of you, you are worth it and we see you.
I hope you will have a nice day, feel hugged my friend
Greetings

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Welcome to the Heartsupport community! I hope we can help you feeling better and be a source of strength for you. Thank you for opening up and talking about your struggles. I know that is not an easy thing to do.
It must be really painful to feel so alone all the time. I am sorry that are struggling so much.
I was diagnosed with depressions a long time ago, so I can imagine, to an extent, how lost you must feel. Know that you are not alone even though it feels like that right now. There are many people having similar experiences, but there is help out there.
You said you have been feeling like this for the past few months. Now I’m wondering, were there any big changes in your life, or did you experience any events that might throw you off this way? You could ask yourself this question, but you don’t need to write it out if you don’t feel like it, and don’t worry if you cannot think of anything. This dark cloud you describe sometimes manages to find us without there being any reason. It is not your fault.
Do you have friends or family you could talk to about what you are experiencing and feeling, anybody in your life you trust and would feel comfortable talking to about this? Opening up and talking to someone in person about what goes on in your mind might help you feel less alone. Otherwise you could reach out to somebody like a counsellor at your college, I’m sure they have some form of network for students. If you cannot find anybody and it doesn’t get better very soon (but even then) I would strongly recommend you to reach out to a professional. That can be a medical doctor, a psychologist, somebody who takes you seriously and you feel comfortable talking to. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to start a therapy right away, but they can point you in the right direction on what to do and how to help you. I would rather not you stay alone in all this. There is support out there.
There is one more thing I want to suggest: first, try not to feel too guilty about self-harming. It is a coping mechanism, albeit a very unhealthy one. But maybe you would like to create a safety plan for yourself, to help you deal with your emotions in a more healthy and productive way and to keep you safe. You can find out how to do this here: Safety Plan
Although if it gets worse, you feel suicidal or you are in a place where you might be considering seriously harming yourself, then please reach out to one of the Heartsupport crisis resources immediately. We don’t want you to come to any harm. You can find them here: Crisis Resources

Don’t give up. We are here for you.

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