Struggling with Suicidal thoughts and anxiety
It’s so difficult to feel like there’s nothing redeeming about yourself or your life…which feels like you only believe because it feels like it’s confirmed by those around you, by those who are supposed to support and love you as you are, it feels like all they do is judge and condemn and criticize and force and change you…it feels like they want you their way, but not as you are, and that’s such a brutal place to be because it feels like there’s this standard that’s above you, that you’ll never reach, that if you were able to, you could be loved, but because you can’t reach it, you aren’t worthy. Which makes sense why you would feel like your life isn’t worth living, because what is life without love? What is life to feel constantly put down? To feel like you’ll never be accepted? And that’s so brutal. I’m so sorry you’re going through that :\
I remember growing up in a household that felt a lot like that myself. I felt like my dad’s expectations were perfection, and anything less was subject to criticism, and if I could be criticized then I couldn’t be loved…I started to see it everywhere, I felt worthless all the time. I really struggled. I developed a crippling anxiety. I felt like I was always “on the clock” and somehow always failing compared to someone else.
Honestly, some of those feelings I still deal with today too. I am actively fighting a daily battle to believe the truth about myself…that I am not a failure, that I am deeply loved…that I am not a constant comparison and disappointment – it’s not about comparing, it’s about who I am becoming…that I’m not an idiot – I was created brilliantly…that I’m not a fool – that I follow a God who doesn’t waste my time…I actively, daily am fighting these battles, and I am finding victory believing the truth about myself.
One of the things that I do know is that the things you are thinking and feeling about yourself – while they feel true in this moment – are lies!! Which is excellent news. Because if they’re lies, you have hope that what you wish was true about yourself could be true…that you just might be worthy of love, that you just might be able to be accepted as you are…and if there’s hope those things are true, life is worth living to find out.
One of the things that I can assure you is that those things you hope for are the truth. You are worthy of love and belonging. That is TRUE. Believing those things for yourself is a battle, though, because it doesn’t matter how many people “out there” believe it…the only person whose beliefs matters is you. Not your parents or your friends or the internet. I’m not a perfect example, but my parents adore and support me, I have friends who love and come through for me, and the internet loves what I do (HeartSupport), but I still struggled with those thoughts. I know celebrities and musicians and people from every sphere of influence who can struggle believing those things about themselves even when the rest of the world believes they’re the shit. I mean look at all of the celebrity suicides – they had every reason to believe on the outside that they are worthy of love and belonging, and yet they didn’t believe it themselves. The power of beliefs is about what you believe. And the beautiful hope is that believing =/= seeing. You don’t have to “see” that the world loves and accepts you. You can believe it yourself, that you are worthy of that, and choose to extend it to yourself, even before it starts to seem that way on the outside. Because again, even if you have all of those things, it doesn’t change the way you think about yourself…it’s making a decision to renew your mind, to believe something different, to radically cling to the truth even when it feels like it’s not true.
So you can begin this journey by saying out loud, “I am not a disappointment, I am worthy of love and acceptance, and I choose to love and accept myself.”
You don’t have to feel it to begin to commit your mind to believing it. You will choose to believe something before you feel it. But once you start to believe it, your feelings will eventually follow.
This is a photo of me and the lies I’m choosing to overcome with the truth. I like to get pictures of different TV / movies / scenes that I like and put Scriptures on the back of them (I’m a Christian and use those Scriptures as anchors for something I believe is true; you could use quotes that you like or lyrics if those better suit you), and then I read through each of these to combat the lies. Doesn’t matter how you do it, just really showing you that you’re not alone!
You matter, you are worthy of love and acceptance, and you are courageous. In this fight with you.
Yep, all humans have worth, and you do too. Two of my siblings were taken away from me by drunk drivers, and the one that killed my brother knew me and was a “friend” of my brother and he hasn’t ever said he was sorry. Oddly enough, he became a pastor and he STILL has not said a thing!!! He would be the only person I would describe as without worth. You, however, are worthy of love and importance.