So this past week I just felt sooo overwhelmed. My old anxiety and ocd habits are coming back but I’m doing my best to name the ocd and notice when I’m falling back into depression/OCD (anger). I’ve just felt so unworthy lately. It makes sense because my bf’s roommate is also going through a lot of mental health issues and has had bad experiences with straight girls and won’t try to trust me. I’m a human and I mess up and even when I do and apologize correctly, she still doesn’t get it. My bf thinks I hate her and I’m mad bc he doesn’t know the consideration I take in. I’m not even expecting an apology from this girl and she’s been so rude over the past few months, but what happened basically is I cleaned her filthy laundry room but she didn’t appreciate it. I think she even blamed me for leaving cardboard boxes somewhere where I didn’t? Whatever, I understand but I’m still so hurt bc I’ve been trying to be nice and everytime she shuts me down but I know she’s going through it mentally. And it’s my fault bc my bf said I didn’t have to be friends with her and I didn’t listen and just tried so hard and was still nice and it just sucks but I need to learn my boundaries, I’m just hurt. Also my mom has borderline, she is so abusive in so many ways and I’m trying to move on from this and learn how to deal with her instead of being hurt, but it’s hard when she’s encouraging me to have an eating disorder and basically calling me fat. And when I’m already depressed from other people. Even when I order in food I didn’t eat all day until dinner for days straight and I’m still suffering to eat bc of her. Then my cousin Julian came into town and I screwed up bc I wasn’t prepared and my dad had to take him in after 3 days bc he was so obnoxious, and I was exhausted. Then my friend hope kept texting me after I told her I had a panic attack and I told her I need time alone. But she was nice and respected it but I finally had to tell her the truth bc for the past three weeks she’s been texting me almost everyday and wanting to hangout. I felt guilty at first but like damn I need to stick up for myself. I have suffered from so much in my life. Complex PTSD, depression, drug addiction, and OCD. Not to mention I was abused. I barely have time to feel okay and people are demanding so much of me and I want to go back to not being so touchy and I just want to love people. I don’t want to hate and I’m tired of something bad happening everyday but that’s not realistic. I need to give people the benefit of the doubt too or else I’ll drive myself crazy. My dad stresses me out too but I need to know not everything is a criticism. I’m just tired honestly. But writing this helped.
Also I think my bf was manipulated by his roommate too and she takes total advantage of him and he still wants to be friends if she gets better. I don’t know where to stand. As long as she apologizes to him but I doubt it.
Hi Nicole, first I want to say welcome! I am so glad you’re here and have shared some of what you are going through with us.
As I was reading your post my heart started to ache, because it seems like everything that is happening in your life feels like it’s confirming that there is something wrong with YOU, that YOU are not enough. From your mom encouraging your eating disorder, to your bf’s roommate being mean to you, to your experience with your cousin. I imagine it feels impossibly overwhelming like you’re being asked to swim the butterfly but you feel like you’re barely able to tread water.
My encouragement to you is that you are enough. you are MORE than enough. I really love what you said about how you deserve to set boundaries. You are so right on about that! Setting boundaries is difficult and often super uncomfortable in the moment but in the long run it will help you feel happier and healthier. I encourage you to continue setting boundaries with anyone in your life who causes more harm than good.
I know there is a lot of pain overall in this post but I was really struck by how your mom treats you. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to feel like you can’t even eat right. I hope you know that you need and DESERVE to fuel your body and have support around you to remind you of that.
It sounds that you really are dealing with a lot these days so I’m really glad you found a safety net right here. It seems obvious that you’re doing your best, that you’re really trying hard to work on your struggles yet at the same time there are all of these people that are adding more pressure on your shoulders and make you feel like you wouldn’t be good enough. It’s really overwhelming and draining when communication isn’t peaceful, when people around us don’t seem to understand and, even more, when they make us feel worthless.
I want you to know that your voice is heard right here and we acknowledge all the efforts you’re doing for your well-being. CPTSD, OCDs, addictions and depression are already hard to deal with and it takes a lot of energy to work on it on a daily basis. Yet on the top of it, you manage to have some very thoughtful perspective about your relationship with your roommate, your mom and your cousin, AND to set healthy boundaries, at your own pace. That shows how strong you are, friend. You’re learning that your voice matters and you deserve to be able to share it without being invalidated or just scared to be. It’s definitely a learning process that takes time, but one that’s 100% worth it and will help you in the future.
Please never forget that you have a space right here whenever you need to share your heart. As you said, writing can really help as just dedicating a time to reflect on how we feel at the moment. What’s going on inside of your heart is important. YOU matter. And you’re not alone, friend.
I didn’t eat all day until dinner for days straight and I’m still suffering to eat bc of her. Then my cousin Julian came into town and I screwed up bc I wasn’t prepared and my dad had to take him in after 3 days bc he was so obnoxious, and I was exhausted. Then my friend hope kept texting me after I told her I had a panic attack and I told her I need time alone. But she was nice and respected it but I finally had to tell her the truth bc for the past three weeks she’s been texting me almost everyday and wanting to hangout. I felt guilty at first but like damn I need to stick up for myself. I have suffered from so much in my life. Complex PTSD, depression, drug addiction, and OCD. Not to mention I was abused. I barely have time to feel okay and people are demanding so much of me and I want to go back to not being so touchy and I just want to love people. I don’t want to hate and I’m tired of something bad happening everyday but that’s not realistic. I need to give people the benefit of the doubt too or else I’ll drive myself crazy. My dad stresses me out too but I need to know not everything is a criticism. I’m just tired honestly. But writing this helped.