So this past week I just felt sooo overwhelmed. My old anxiety and ocd habits are coming back but I’m doing my best to name the ocd and notice when I’m falling back into depression/OCD (anger). I’ve just felt so unworthy lately. It makes sense because my bf’s roommate is also going through a lot of mental health issues and has had bad experiences with straight girls and won’t try to trust me. I’m a human and I mess up and even when I do and apologize correctly, she still doesn’t get it. My bf thinks I hate her and I’m mad bc he doesn’t know the consideration I take in. I’m not even expecting an apology from this girl and she’s been so rude over the past few months, but what happened basically is I cleaned her filthy laundry room but she didn’t appreciate it. I think she even blamed me for leaving cardboard boxes somewhere where I didn’t? Whatever, I understand but I’m still so hurt bc I’ve been trying to be nice and everytime she shuts me down but I know she’s going through it mentally. And it’s my fault bc my bf said I didn’t have to be friends with her and I didn’t listen and just tried so hard and was still nice and it just sucks but I need to learn my boundaries, I’m just hurt. Also my mom has borderline, she is so abusive in so many ways and I’m trying to move on from this and learn how to deal with her instead of being hurt, but it’s hard when she’s encouraging me to have an eating disorder and basically calling me fat. And when I’m already depressed from other people. Even when I order in food I didn’t eat all day until dinner for days straight and I’m still suffering to eat bc of her. Then my cousin Julian came into town and I screwed up bc I wasn’t prepared and my dad had to take him in after 3 days bc he was so obnoxious, and I was exhausted. Then my friend hope kept texting me after I told her I had a panic attack and I told her I need time alone. But she was nice and respected it but I finally had to tell her the truth bc for the past three weeks she’s been texting me almost everyday and wanting to hangout. I felt guilty at first but like damn I need to stick up for myself. I have suffered from so much in my life. Complex PTSD, depression, drug addiction, and OCD. Not to mention I was abused. I barely have time to feel okay and people are demanding so much of me and I want to go back to not being so touchy and I just want to love people. I don’t want to hate and I’m tired of something bad happening everyday but that’s not realistic. I need to give people the benefit of the doubt too or else I’ll drive myself crazy. My dad stresses me out too but I need to know not everything is a criticism. I’m just tired honestly. But writing this helped.
Also I think my bf was manipulated by his roommate too and she takes total advantage of him and he still wants to be friends if she gets better. I don’t know where to stand. As long as she apologizes to him but I doubt it.