My life has come to the point where I just do not see a point in going on anymore but I’m not suicidal. I’ve never hurt myself in any way I’m to scared to do that but I wouldn’t mind dying. My life’s never been great but it’s been good before. I’m 19 years old with no job no license and a baby who I’m paying child support for but can’t because I can’t get a job. The reason I can’t get a job is because while living with my dad we would randomly move a lot so I would be working at a place and not be able to give them a two week notice and eventually I stop writing down previous jobs which led it to be hard to work some places with not experience. That reminds me also forced to drop out of high school can’t tell why because I don’t want to give my Id away. I’m still dating the girl but her mom isn’t great. When she first told me she was pregnant I felt like I got hit by a wall, like my life literally ended at 18. I was never a baby person but I could deal with kids. It wasn’t that bad at first when we had her but some people expected me to be a pro at first try and her family spreading rumors about it everywhere and there’s only so long I can go where I actually start caring. Speaking of caring I’ve been so emotional about everything i could cry from parts I’ve seen hundreds of times in movies and all I think about is my past every good memory every mistake and I would do anything to go back. I could go on and on. I haven’t even broke surface yet. But I thought me writing this would help me feel better at the least but I just feel the same.
Spacehunter,
Dude you have so much weight on your shoulders…That is so brutal. Not that you have a kid – that is so freaking beautiful. But that you have a kid when you weren’t ready for it. When your life is still a whirlwind, when it feels like you can’t get your feet underneath you…and then feeling like your girlfriend’s family is lynching you for being imperfect, like they know what it’s like to be you, to face the things you’re facing, to be asked from in more ways than you have the capability of handling. It just feels like you’ve gotta feel like a fraud so many days…like life demands so much from you. And waking up to face that mountain can feel so impossible to climb that I imagine getting out of bed sometimes feels like this crazy weight on your chest that you can barely lift.
I can only imagine that looking forward in your life feels like you’re totally shot…like you’ve missed your chance / missed the boat…that you wish you could hit the “reset” button…that you wish you could get dealt a different hand…it doesn’t even feel like a game you want to finish playing…like you just want to drop the controller and move on.
I get that, man…I feel like there are so many places in my life where I felt like – what’s the point? Why bother? Why keep going? Not really sure what keeps my two feet moving one in front of the other…there were so many times where I felt like I wasn’t going to make it, like life wasn’t going to work out, and I might as well just quit. You’re not alone in what you’re feeling – even though our stories are different, I’ve felt very similar things.
And here’s what I know: the best stories aren’t perfect. Your life, even though it isn’t going as you would have personally planned, isn’t shot, dude. This is the point of the story where the hero feels like he’s down and out, but then miraculously with the help of his friends and a mentor faces the monsters he has to face and comes out of the depths victorious. Not that life is that simple, but it does take that structure…the best parts of the story are when the hero feels like he has no hope. And that’s the part of the story you’re in right now. You are facing what feels like insurmountable odds. But all good stories require that. Your story is just getting started, man. Your story can be one of great triumph. No hero does it alone. You need people to support you, a mentor to guide you. And you need to make the decision that you’re not going to fold…or wish for a different life. The one you have, while imperfect, is the only one you get, brother, and it is one worth living. Do not give up on it. Do not give up on your daughter. Do not give up on yourself. Your life and family and heart are worth the fight to press through this season. You’re still in this fight…you’re still in this fight!
-Nate
I’m sorry that you have so much going on my friend. That is quite a lot.
Don’t give up hope. Job search is hard. But keep fighting friend. At some point something will work out for you. It often takes a lot of patience. I know it never feels good to be turned down but keep going.
You matter. You are important. Life is a challenge I know. And sometimes it feels like it throws everything bad at you all at once. I certainly have felt that way many times.
There is light in the darkness my friend. It can get better! Hang onto your hope. Find things that you are passionate about and bring you joy and cling to those things. Don’t let go.
And know that this place is a safe place.
Stay strong