From kakashi_hatake78383: Like i said. There is so much to be said, so much to explain and yet i seem to be at a lack of words to be able to do so.
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From kakashi_hatake78383: Perhaps i should give more context…
I’m highly depressed. I won’t say my age directly but im fairly young but not too young to be breaking discord rules.
Its been a hard summer for me. I’m away from my father figures, I can’t go to my safe space (school), and although i have a therapist, i feel disconnected from her. She is great and all but… I can’t seem to open up to her.
Be it because im scared or because i don’t trust her entirely yet.
My actions are logical based and normally are not irrational. I do believe in the whole “don’t create a permanent solution to a temporary problem” thing as it is based.
But at the same time i am losing my sanity with summer break and not being able to do the things I want to do and see the people that i need to see.
I tend to ponder the questions that make one lose themselves. Not because I’ve lost myself already but because i know how to navigate the rabbit holes.
No idea if any of this is helpful but oh well. If it is, something will happen.
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Take your time. Maybe your thoughts feel confusing and jumbled. Thank you for being brave and opening up and sharing.
I’m really proud of you for seeing a therapist, sometimes we don’t always click with the first one we come across, but in saying that, being scared to open up can be a barrier that makes it a little harder to connect. This doesn’t mean you have to divulge every deep thought you have, but even starting with simply how you’re feeling. Overwhelmed maybe, confused, run down, isolated and tired. It could be a starting point.
I’m really sorry that you’re not being able to experience the activities you want to enjoy and with the people you want to be with. Having that physical contact and enjoying friendship is important and it can feel like being trapped away when you can’t have that.
Has there been opportunity to at least text or call some of these people?
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From twixremix: hey friend, i’m so sorry you’re in this situation with both your safe space being inaccessible for the summer and your therapist not connecting with you. my safe space when i was younger was also school so i def understand where you’re coming from. if it brings any comfort, school will be starting up again soon and you’ll be back in a safe environment. i hope you can see your father figures soon as well, that can always be so tough when those we look up to are away from us. sending you strength, comfort, and peace, my friend. you can make it through this!
love,
twix
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Hello there kakashi! Thank you for sharing with us and for the added context. It is very helpful.
Summer can indeed be very difficult when school is a safe place for you. Do you have ways to communicate with people during the summer? You are old enough for Discord so do your peers/friends have it as well? Maybe you could create a server together and play games and talk with each other to maintain that connection. Losing yourself is a scary thing and I’m glad you said it hasn’t happened yet. I hope that you can find something to tether you to who you are so that you do not get lost in Wonderland whilst exploring those rabbit holes.
Good luck and school will be back in session before you know it! 
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Hey Kakashi,
I am sorry that you’re doing through a rough patch with the summer environment being so different from what you feel comfortable and safe in. I’d say, take your time in opening up, talking, finding words and thoughts to express… there is no rush. Open up as much or as little as you want, and be as verbose or short as your heart desires. Be it with us, or your therapist - do it at your own pace. What works for you.
Take each day, one day at a time. Try to find little moments and actions that do make you feel better, feel safe, bring enjoyment. Focus on those if you can - little moments of safe care. Moments of familiarity. You got this.
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hi there!
Thank you so much for being here with us, i appreciate the added context!
would you want to give an example of the things you’d prefer to be doing now? Are there alternatives to it that you can do, or is it that you’re physically away from these activities (like can’t go swimming because the pool is at school and you can’t access, or you’re staying somewhere else where there are no pools).
Summer vacations can be tough when you have to adjust to being out of school, and you indicated that was your safe space.
Would it be possible to talk to your father figures over the phone or video chat?
I found this achingly beautiful to read. I appreciate this phrasing so much. Glad you’re able to do this.
I’m glad you are here with us, and I hope you will keep sharing with us and using this space to share your interesting thoughts and outlook, and your feelings with us. We’re here for you, you have our support friend.
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From kakashi_hatake78383: Sita,
I’m glad that the added context helped. I wasn’t all too sure on if any of it would be all too useful.
An example… i would rather be sitting in a desk doing complex algebra equations or in a chair in my schools band room playing the flute or some percussion instruments with my band class while my band teacher (aka my father figure) conducts us to the song.
I have had the chance to talk to my father figure over the phone but I’m too nervous to reach out to him again as it has been a little under two weeks since i last called him and i felt bad for reaching out to him at such time as he was spending time with his wife and enjoying his break.
I’m not exactly sure as to how i am supposed to respond to how you thought any of my chaos was beautiful but i will do what i do best when I don’t understand someone’s thoughts.
I’ll place myself in their position.
I will keep sharing as things go and i will continue to do my best. Thank you.
Taladien,
Thank you for the advice. Yeah, summer is rough. Especially for me where I’m almost entirely isolated.
Taking things one at a time is difficult. Just like having patience. At the end of the day, the best thing i can do is to take the baby steps that are needed to progress. Be it counting down the days till school, or finding little things to fill the time in between with.
Thank you again for the advice.
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From kakashi_hatake78383: DustintheWind,
Good to know that the additional context helped. Like i said for others, I wasn’t all too sure if it would help but at least it gave some more wiggle space.
I do have ways to communicate over summer. I have text and snapchat as I don’t really have social media interactions.
Most of my friends are not a fan of using discord which is perfectly fine with me. I keep in touch with two of them the most.
I know what its like to lose myself. I did it before and almost made the biggest mistake ever. I don’t want to go back there and im scared that if i get even one step closer, ill fall back down again.
I wish i could find something to ground me back to who I’m meant to be but… i no longer am able to do so.
I’ve been broken far too many times for me to be able to do so again.
The rabbit holes are the sole reason i have yet to lose my sanity. It allows me to think and contemplate my action so that I don’t mess up again.
As of the current moment, school shall be returning to me in approximately 49 days.
I will gladly take the luck and thank you for the advice
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From kakashi_hatake78383: Twix,
It’s ok. This is now the second time that im experiencing this. Its funny as i never was a fan of school and yet now I’m addicted as if my life depended on it.
Im happy to know that someone shares the same familiarity with school being a safe place. Or at least, used to.
I hope school starts up really soon for me. There are times when i wish that i were in a coma and would only wake up for the really important things until school starts back up again.
Thank you for the wish of strength, comfort, and peace as I’m sure i will need it in order to not fall apart over rhe duration of the rest of the summer.
I will try to stay as strong as i can.
Thank you
From kakashi_hatake78383: ManekiNeko,
It’s not often that i hear that someone is proud of me for trying my hardest to remain open minded or brave.
Normally im just told that it was very courageous of me to do so, but rarely do i hear someone say they are proud of me for doing so.
It definitely is more difficult to open up to someone who I barely know. Especially with my past and all, I’ve now become more guarded than ever.
I’m scared to open up because every single time that i do, i get exposed and then something comes and hurts me causing me to shut the doors and strengthen the walls.
Activities… I’ve been doing what i can. Trying to busy my mind with math courses that are two levels abouve my grade on my own, writing books, playing games, anything really.
I just kiss the feeling of being surrounded by people who i care for and care for me equally.
I have kept in contact with two friends who are really close to me and have been writing down my thoughts and feelings for my father figure on a google doc.
He reads it and it gives me a sort of comfort. He does it on his own will too. Sometimes he looks at the document every other day to see if i left anything he may have missed.
He is one of the few things that i have left that make me feel true happiness. An emotion that on my own i have no idea how to use.
Thank you for the advice
From kakashi_hatake78383: I’m not sure if this is the best thing for me to say right now but… to me it is more meaningful than the permanent solution to a temporary problem quote.
“In the end, one needs more courage to live than to die.”