Liking people hurts

Can someone answer a question for me? How do you know if you’re bothering someone?
I just… I can’t take this I feel like I’m bothering people so much. There’s a person that I like, and it hurts because I know they’re not even close to interested. So I’m scared of bothering them in any way possible that I avoid them so that I don’t hurt them or scare them or annoy them. It is my beleif that liking someone that doesn’t reciprocate those emotions is being a burden on them and a nusicance, so I try my best to just avoid the people I care about the most. But it hurts so fucking much… I was talking about this with a friend earlier, about how because I’m Demi, the people I like I tend to like for a really long time unless scared away. And even then if they leave my life, or reject me, I still like them for years. And I can’t just like someone else because my fucking Demisexual/demiromantic ass can only like one person at a time. But I don’t want to bother anyone and it hurts. It’s so difficult to deal with and it’s like being sick, I have to constantly remind myself that my emotions aren’t real and my feelings aren’t real and my pain isn’t real just so I don’t cause any trouble. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. Just invalidate everything that makes me human, but, I don’t want to do that. But I don’t want to feed my delusions either. I don’t want to like someone and them just get nausanced by me for it. So I just avoid and avoid and avoid. But it hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts. And I’m dying inside but I dont say anything, I don’t change anything, I don’t admit to anything. Because I don’t want to cause any discomfort. So I just suck it up for the sake of the person I’m bothering. I can’t take it man. It kills me from the inside. Because I have to deal with my own shit alone. My headmates have been getting hell because of it. They have been fronting but it’s so difficult for them because of it. So I feel even more like a burden, and I just want to stop existing so I just stop causing other people issues. But I can’t stop existing because people give a shit (idk why they do but they do). Which puts me in this loop of pain and guilt and desperation for it to just stop. I just, I wish I knew if there was a way to stop this loop. It kills me and I just wish I could stop liking just one person that ends up not even interested. It hurts…
-X

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Hey @Systemofconfusion,

Can someone answer a question for me? How do you know if you’re bothering someone?

It’s a really good question. I’d say that it depends on the circumstances and the nature of the relationship, for the most part. However, if you are insecure about this, if you tend to be afraid of being a burden to others, then you are more likely to be in this constant position of observing and noticing slight changes in people’s behaviors. Unfortunately, being observant generally feeds our fear without our interpretation being necessarily true. For example, an unanswered message would become stressful and make you question yourself. A change in the tone of the voice of someone could be seen automatically as negative and against you. When we are always afraid to bother others, then we are more inclined to expect others to feel that way at any given moment. It’s like living under a sword and expecting it to fall down anytime.

On the other hand, people generally prefer to avoid direct onversations and saying “I don’t want to talk with you right now”. There’s often a fear of causing an argument, of hurting the other person, or just the discomfort of having to share about how we feel. If you combine botth a fear to be a burden and unclear messages from someone who doesn’t to speak more directly… then that can be pretty distressing and a door open to endless doubts and questions about yourself, what you do or what you say.

In my opinion, the best way to know if I burden someone is to be clear about it. Whether someone knows me deeply and already understand that I’m scared of burdening them - but I can count the amount of people who know me that much with only one hand. Otherwise, I’ll value and try to initiate a communication that would be made on honesty at the beginning of the relationship. I’d rather say: I prefer if you’re honest with me, because it helps me grow, etc. Basically, to express what are the fundations of mutual trust to me. It generally gives a space to actually discuss with friends and say when something is bugging one of us. It makes conversations more mature in general, and if someone decides to just stop talking to me without any explaination, than I would accept more easily that I’ve left all the doors open to communicate with respect and honesty, but they didn’t chose to make that step, so the decision would be on them.

I have to constantly remind myself that my emotions aren’t real and my feelings aren’t real and my pain isn’t real just so I don’t cause any trouble.

Your pain is always real and valid. Pushing it away would only cause it to grow in the long run, and come back in ways that would be more likely violent and uncontrolled. However, the distinction is to be considered regarding the conslusions you make about how you feel. For example, if a person doesn’t have the same level of connection with you that you have for them, it hurts you (feelings), but it doesn’t mean you are a burden (conclusion). It would only mean that relationships are very complex, constantly changing as well, and that between two people, there can be a combination of many different types of connections and circumstances. It wouldn’t be about you, what you bring or even your existence in the life of this person. It would be about their heart, their feelings at the moment.

So I just suck it up for the sake of the person I’m bothering. I can’t take it man. It kills me from the inside.

It hurts when feelings are not mutual, at least not the way we’d like to. It’s a kind of loss in itself that takes time to be processed. I’m sorry you are hurting, friend.

So I just avoid and avoid and avoid.

You’ve been doing the absolute opposite by posting here, by writing down how you feel and sharing your heart just as it is. It’s very brave. You are acknowledging that pain, where it comes from, and you accept to sit with it, even just a little. It’s takes a lot of courage to do so, to not bury those emotions deeper

Life has its part of mystery, especially regarding who we meet, how we meet them, and how the path of each individual is going to impact one another. You may not have met that person at the right time in their own journey. But I can assure you that it is not defining you nor conditioning your future, even if it’s really hard to see it differently right now.

Hold fast, friend. Be gentle with yourself while your heart is mourning something that could have been. You are not a burden. You are a light that radiates its brightness all around in its very own way. :hrtlegolove:

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Yes, I do this alot, I’m always observing the behavior of people, and I wish people would just be blunt with me sometimes so I know whatever the hell it is I’m doing wrong. Even one slight change in behaviour or literally anything new or random and I will silently panic assuming the worst, beleiving the worst and hate myself more. But at the same time I just feel shittier if I learn I did something wrong. Which is why I just don’t talk in the first place. I can’t cause issues if I don’t even exist uk? I don’t talk about it with anyone because when I used to be communicative about how I worried about my feelings or about bothering people they got irritated with me and stopped talking to me and hated me, only to talk to me when they were nosy about my life, making me think they wanted to talk but only to be dissapointed because they didn’t actually want to talk they just wanted to be nosy assholes.
The last time I confessed my emotions to someone they just brushed it off and said they didn’t care even when afterwards they would act like they were in love with me and even mumble it like I didn’t hear. So I was left feeling confused and hurt, because it felt like they were taunting me. It hurts when I think back on it. And it’s taught me not to even be open about my emotions to someone I care about. And if I accidently open up I have to pay back for it ten fold by seeing how bored a person is of my existence. So I have to close myself back up, and forget everything. Again.
I don’t like sharing how I feel, I just share my feelings here because I know it’s safe to open up here whether people see it or not. It’s a safe place, and that’s all that really matters to me.
And just to keep me sane. I’m never true about my emotions to anyone but this place and my headmates. I never talk about my issues unless someone actually wants to listen not just to be nosy, or I trust them enough, which is very rare. The only reason I’m doing the opposite right now and talking about it is because I’ve been avoiding these thoughts and emotions for much too long and I can’t ignore it anymore. I don’t want to acknowledge this pain because that means it’s real, my feelings are real, my emotions are real. And it will just hurt like a stabbing pain. But if I continue to live like it’s not real, maybe it will go away uk? So I do that. But it hurts latley, so I have no choice but to talk about it for my own damn sanity. And maybe that will help.
Yes it hurts when feelings aren’t mutual, but it’s not any of my buisness, I have no right to feel bad, because it’s not their fault I like them, that’s my fault. So I have to just keep holding this burden till I break. My friends say I shouldn’t feel ashamed for liking someone but I do. But really, I’m not a burden unless I beleive I am. Which I need to realize. The whole reason I could be being a burden is because I feel like one. And maybe that’s what my issue is. Idfk.
I know it doesn’t define me or condition my future, but it hurts because my brain can’t just like someone else. It’s frustrating. I like talking to you guys though, it helps give me another idea, one that’s not so bad. You guys make my heart Happy <3
-X

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