Listening to my brain

I’m school right now listening to music so I keep myself distraction it’s so hard I wanna listen to my brain telling me “kill yourself” “Nobody will care” “Your useless” and so much more I just wanna die I can’t do it anymore I’m sorry for anyone in this community I hurt I’m sorry to my family for the pain I cause to my abusive father I’m sorry I was never perfect child you wanted maybe it was my fault that you abused me maybe i should have just listen to you I’m done faking my smile faking like i’m ok I’M NOT OK

Jaceofspade -
What are you listening to? Crank it louder!! Get outside if you can, and if the sun is shining - close your eyes, let that sunshine warm your face and breathe. That’s your existence. That’s what a purpose feels like. it may not seem like much right now, I get it. Please do not blame yourself for ANY abuse that you’ve experienced or even apologize for that matter. These troubles that face do not define you. Stay with us.
“Long is the way, and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light.” - John Milton

With all of my Love,

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Hey @Jaceofspade

As cliche as it sounds, it is okay to not be okay. Life is difficult especially when dealing with the trauma of abuse. I am sorry that your life isn’t so great at the moment, but don’t think for a second that you are useless or that no one will care if you are gone.

Depression is like a negative feedback loop: the worse we feel, the worse our thoughts become, the more we believe what we think, the worse we feel and the cycle continues again and again. Our brains can be really bad at working past feelings to see the truth of the situation, so here are some truths worth thinking about.

If you are reading this, you are alive (and literate). Where there is life, there is opportunity for change. There is no reason that you could not work towards reshaping your life right now. Who we are and how we feel are too often viewed in isolation: the reality of the matter is that we are the culmination of so many things that we have done and that have happened to us. Small things add up.

The bright side to this is that every small effort can make a difference. Just like how small bad thoughts drag us into depressive spirals, small acts of defiance against our grief and sadness start to lift us upwards. Keep on working to improve your life and things really can get better.

No one is hopeless and no one is useless. Every person has something to offer to the world. While we cannot change the pain we have caused people in the past, we can accept what we have done and work to be better people in the present. You may not be prefect, but depression has a way of making us believe we are far worse people than we actually are/that we could never be better people.

Keep your head up my friend, you aren’t alone in your struggle. As someone who was once in a similar place to you take my word when I say that you can get better, just never stop fighting and moving forward.