Its weird to talk about this. But I hate myself, to a point that I no longer look at myself. From the shit that has happened to me then to now. I dont blame my family and I dont blame my friends. At least I shouldnt. But I feel horrible for even talking about it to friends and family. Like Im not suppose to talk about it.
But My story is difficult. My mother, the one I thought I could trust did something horrible. Ive forgiven her, but I hate myself cause it still hurts. She accused my Father of sexually abusing me. She threatened him to hurt me and have him locked away for ever. At the age of 5 she told me what to do and I followed cause who doesnt listen to their mother at that age. I ended up with extreme anxiety and depression, along with PTSD. I was on so many medications at such a young age that I felt dead. I finally made the choice to not take them anymore. But that was a mistake.
TO note, I know my father didnt abuse me. At 17 Ive realized that he would have never hurt me. Then at 18 I moved in with him. I was so happy. Truly happy. But at the price that Ive lost my mom. Some say im crazy, But I still love my mom. Even though she has fucked up my life so bad. She screwed over my dads life as well. But he still wanted her to be in my life. My dad has taught me a lot, and Im glad to have him in my life now.
I ended up leaving my dads house to make up with my mother. I just wanted her love. Who doesnt want their mothers love. She took me back, got me a job cause I quit my 4 while I was with my dad. That was a mistake. The work place was toxic, I was targeted cause I wasnt like my mother. Bullied to the point I would cry everyday. The panic attacks were so bad that I would pass out. I was 20 and being bullied to the point that I almost killed myself. I reported them, but that was a mistake. They told the team, and shunned me. They didnt think I could hear the stuff they were saying.
I remember one day… We were putting up fidget spinner. Now I had the cube in my apron. it helped with my ADD and stress. THey started to talk about how useless it is and its ruining lives. I mentioned I had the cube and it does help. They started to go after me. Saying ADD is just a kids thing, It doesnt exist. I just need to grow up. its just a reason for doctors to medicate normal kids so parents dont have to deal with them. THen I was told I needed to shut up, that i didnt know what I was talking about.
May 23, 2018 I attempted suicide. I took 20 Trazodone that were 100mg each. I thought that I would rather feel dead than this way. With work killing me and my mothers own illness. I just wanted peace. But something happened. I took them and waited. But I started to realize I have family… a sister, a brother, my dad and step-mom who care. I got up and told my mom what I did. I puked it all up and lived. went to the hospital for a week. I feel better. I still have anxiety and depression. It still eats at me. But It will always be there, and I hate myself because of it. Ill never get Better.
Hi Dahlia, thanks for reaching out.
Your story is a hard one (a very hard one indeed). It’s pretty hard to find the right words, so I’ll try to do my best.
I believe you should not feel bad about yourself: you’re worth so much more than your problems, and I think that you should let go of the past. It’s easier said than done, but your past does not define you. You won’t always be there: you can make it and feel better. It’ll be a slow and long process, but you have the strength to make it.
You also shouldn’t feel weak or useless: everyone has a purpose and you have too: that’s why you’re still alive. You still have a purpose for this life, you just have to find it. Again, it’s not simple, but this community is here to help anytime you need, and I hope you’ll find a family here too.
Feel free to post whenever you need to. May God show you his best gifts.
@Dahlia Thanks for your story.
Do you have a therapist? A therapist is a good support that will focus on your needs.
It also sounds like you have some goals such as working. I’m sorry that the job you got while with your mom wasn’t a good atmosphere. Don’t let this experience deter you from your goal. (I have case management & peer services that help manage your goals while understanding your mental health needs.)
ADD I’m sure is now labeled ADHD from what I’ve been told. So maybe that was what your coworkers may have come to that conclusion also a lot of kids get misdiagnosed as ADHD by a lot of lazy professionals that know something is wrong with the kids but don’t take time to hash it out cause it is really difficult to diagnose children (usually later on when they become adults they get proper diagnosis) which may also be another reason. Yet don’t believe them that adults don’t get it. They do.
Fidget spinners/cubes are great tools to deal with many symptoms. Originally they were created for kids with Autism. It was banned because people are ignorant & misused it and now it has become moot. So in a way what they say is the truth but only because that is the perspective & stigma society believes. Yet It is a very useful tool that I would recommend anyone with autism or anxiety issues to use.
I deal with anxiety & depression myself along with several other symptoms. I always hope it goes away. I understand why people desire that it goes away. The problem is there is so much evidence that it won’t go away normally. People learn to cope & manage it with hopes that it goes away & when it doesn’t they become desperate. This is the wrong reason to learn to cope & manage. Such a perspective is a delusion. The proper way is to learn to manage & cope with your mental illness in that you can live with it.
Depression & Anxiety will always impact your life. Yet they shouldn’t control your life. I’m speaking from experience. (I accept myself. You should accept yourself. I also like myself and you can learn to like yourself.) Instead of having false hope in some delusion that what ails you goes away. Instead, Obtain true Hope in the fact that your symptoms don’t have to stop the progression and living your life.