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Little bit venting, little bit advice seeking

First, let me get this out of the way. Sorry if this sounds like I’m shitting over everyone else’s struggle and progress, but I really wish what I have is depression. I don’t mean I want depression, what I mean is I wish it is something the has a name and a tangible way of tackling it. And to some people this might sound like I am romanticizing mental illness, but I hope you can understand where I’m coming from.

I like to describe myself as a hikikomori, NEET, leech…I’ve been stuck at home long before the pandemic. At the beginning of these 4 or 5 yrs, it was just a temporary rest so that I can return back to Uni in the next semester. I took a break because I was half a zombie by the end of 5yrs studying in Japan. So I was attending therapy, I was working in some lesser job, but I was doing things to try to get back on track. But it didn’t went according to plan. Therapist didn’t help much, she just wanted me to keep attending each session for the fees. Work wasn’t great either, I told them i need to stop working by a certain date to prepare to go back to Uni, they try to delay me one month after another. And then it’s too late. Finally, I just walked out, but I was already feeling too helpless to actually do anything useful. that was 4 yrs ago. Since then I’m stuck here in my room. I am envious of people who knows what their desires and passion are. I am too afraid of even thinking about that. Even though rationaly I know I’m allow to have wants, but felt I don’t deserve it. My parents would “try to help” me by asking me :“So what do you want to do?” but I would get so “triggered”, I would be so defensive of my fragile ego. I did not want to think about that because that would make me think about all the failures and mistakes that I’ve done and how I lost my education and the future that I thought I was going to have. So I would hide in a perfectly happy bubble, hibernating, is the word I like to use to describe it. And it’s been 4 years since. I am very out of practice with socialising with people. At first I was censoring myself on FB by making all my posts “only me”, and then people forgot of my existence. Nobody even asked. I felt that I was carrying a lot of dark toxic ooze within me, and I don’t want to be “that attention seeker” I didn’t want to contaminate other people’s happy lifes with my unpleasantness that I feel would overflow if I am a little bit careless during my interaction with them. So I just put myself in hibernation mode. I sit at home, don’t talk to people, don’t do anything. And this is not the same as depression. I’m not too sad to get out of bed, what I am is intentionally using the strategy of staying alone to prevent damage (to me and to other people), and it is different. And every once in a while maybe for 2 months, I will try to be active, at a minimal level, for example lurking in some streamer’s chat, absorbing the lovely wholesome interactions between the streamer and their chat. And then I would get envious, get greedy, and I would want something that’s not mine. I would want to be a part of them but there’s no way I can be with all the dark ooze in me, and then I leave. Back to hbernation for 4 months.and the cycle repeats. They don’t even know I was there. But I’ve already stalked the chat so much I know everyone’s story but I can’t just come out of the shadow and say I know you but you don’t know me. I’ll sound like a creep. I don’t want to repeat the same cycle again and again. But everytime I get a little bit hopeful, or inspired, or happy, or whatever positive emotions, or someone telling me they want to help me, I would panic and run, back to hibernation. Help? please? I think I am just too intense for regular people, so i can understand if people don’t want to deal with me.

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Hello

My last girlfriend had a pet name for me: Kiko (short for Hikikomori) so I think that you and I might be in the same boat. A lot of what you are saying resonates with me. Actually all of it. So for what it is worth you’re not alone in the struggle. If there are two of use then there are probably a whole bunch out there…they just you know…keep to themselves.

I have trouble posting on here. I am not an authority and while I deeply would love to help and have the magic phrase that fixes everything (which probably aren’t real anyway) I am also desperately afraid to say the wrong thing and cause someone in pain more pain.

The short version is: You deserve to exist. You deserve to find happiness even if you don’t have any idea what that looks like yet. Just because you feel different from other people don’t meant that you’re not also a person, you just interact with the world in a different way. You deserve to have friends and you deserve to forgive yourself for anything in your past that you regret. You deserve to carry on and try and live a full life.

The longer version is: Its a lot easier to say it than to do it and I struggle daily myself. I know that I personally will never feel like an average person (I say average instead of normal…because normal does not really exist in my opinion) but that doesn’t mean that I can’t experience the things that the average person does and still have a full and happy life.

Interacting with other people will come more naturally to some people than others, but like any other skill…just because I am not “a natural” at playing guitar and I will never be as good as Eric Clapton or Jimi Hendrix doesn’t mean I cannot still get a lot of joy out of doing it.

This may be over simplifying but if you are in pain then that is a way of knowing that something is wrong. It might be tough to figure out what it is that is wrong, but think of it like hunger…people need food to live just like we need emotional support. The hunger itself isn’t wrong, its just a symptom of something else.

As for social interactions: I would suggest starting small: Hi, I have been lurking in chat for awhile and I just wanted to say hello, thank you for the streams. How are you? Things may not always go perfectly and there may be missteps (I make a lot of jokes…not all of them are funny) and its ok when it happens. Its ok to say I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say something that was hurtful and its even better to learn what you do not what to do. Its a skill and it will take time to do it well.

Everyone sees the guitar player on stage making it look easy, but no one sees them in a room practicing over an over again to get that good.

Thank you for writing your post, believe it or not it helped my feel a little bit less…alone I guess in the struggle. You are welcome to send me a DM and always welcome in my twitch chat regardless or how talkative you are feeling.

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For me personally I am trying to set small goals of things I need to get done daily. Its moving slowly and I know that there is a lot of stuff that still has to be done and I feel a lot of pressure to get all of it done, but I also know that if I overwhelm myself that I have a habit of stopping everything to sulk and reflect.

In America (not sure where you live) we have recyclable bottles that are returnable for deposit and I have let literally hundreds pile up. Today I took the caps off them and got them ready to be returned and cleaned up the house a bit.

Earlier I played guitar and I turned it up loud and it didn’t really make me feel great at the time, but after a nap I was in a much better mood. I think playing music for me (even doing it badly) has value…I don’t know if it just distracts my brain or what it does, but I feel like it helped.

Laughing is also something I use to get through the day. For me watching clips of The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson has really helped a ton these last seven months.

For what its worth…I am forty years old and I have never known what I want to do with my life. I don’t feel especially connected with anyone in the world (except my cats) and I also struggle with social interactions with even people I have known for a decade.

That is a bit of my struggle. I hope my experience makes you feel…better, or at least like you are not as alone. It actually feels comforting to tell myself I am worthless, and all the negative things because I guess its familiar. I know how to exist that way…it hurts and it feels terrible, but I know how to do it. I also know that its not productive and that all the things I use against myself are based in real things…but when I beat myself up that is just making a solution into another problem. [This is 100% something we share with so so so so so so many people believe it or not that it is something that totally makes us average].

I am grateful for celebrities that come out and talk about their struggles. If Dwayne Johnson (handsome, funny, a genuine star of wrestling and film) struggles with negative feelings towards himself… I don’t know why it happens, but I am going to use the N word here and say that its totally normal to feel that way.

Another thing that helped me re frame my mindset a bit was when I was asked “How are you today” I would reply “its the best day of my life”. In the beginning I did not mean it AT ALL. It was a way to diffuse conversation and not actually have to talk about myself or my day…all they needed to know that my day (and I) were doing great. A funny thing happened after awhile…it changed my perspective and I realized that the past was over with and that the future was…a vague concept. To my thinking we just live today…tomorrow is an idea…but once we are there its just today (a new today all over again).

I think I mentioned I am weird, but my weird brain and thinking lead me to that thought (honestly a lot of smarter people I have read lead me to that thought) and its a tool…its a coping mechanism I use to get through the day.

Whatever you end up figuring out…it just has to work for you and be socially acceptable (sorry if throwing poo is your thing then you need a new thing). That was a joke by the way.

Start small and take on manageable things and build from there. Even if its small things like helping out with dinner, helping to clean up around the house, work in the yard, etc I think you should allow yourself some satisfaction that you are helping.

I feel like I am going on and rambling at this point. I managed to have a pretty good day today and if anything I could say about it might ease your pain I wanted to pass it along.

Take care of yourself, you’re worth exactly as much as the rest of us.

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I been feeling some similar, I know it not same what you going through. But I’m been dealing not fullest my goals, it bummer when don’t know what we want to do

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Hey, ive been though some really similar stuff. I know what its like to have health issues push you inside for years at a time. If you want someone to talk to feel free to message me.

Don’t blame yourself many people are staying at home because of this virus it doesn’t make them lazy or anything. Don’t listen to what others tell you. Be who you are.

I don’t even know how to continue the conversation in my own post, that’s how bad at social interaction I am.
Thank you for responding. Kanzats, thank you, hey, I saw what you said and played some music today too. I also decided to gather some courage and try to come out of the shadows in that discord chat. I talked to one of the mod over there, and both you and the mod helped me take the first step of just saying “Hi!” 14 yrs ago, one of the best advice I received from my teacher was to smile, now at age 28 turning 29 in a few days, lesson No. 2 is to say Hi, maybe it’ll take another 14 yrs to reach level 3 but hopefully not.
When I first came back to my country I was eager to make things work. So I found a day care job 11hrs 5 days a week. It was the worst. Because I used to be a student there, I was treat like a kid even though I was already an adult. My opinions doesn’t matter, no training for the job, just a bunch of 8-yr-olds and their parents, and their main school and everyone else that i have to deal with. And they fired me after a long year end holiday with 3 day notice. I could have found a different job during the break if i knew I won’t be going back when school starts. I quickly found a different job, similar to a rebound relationship, and this is not good either. This is the one that I mentioned won’t let me quit when I’ve told them right at the start that I need to leave by a specific date. I didn’t have a lot a good experience working, mostly I feel taken advantage of. There is a mismatch between what I think I worth, what I feel I worth and what real world job i can do.
I think: even if I didn’t graduate Uni, I’ve studied the full 4 yrs, I should worth at least as much.
I feel: I haven’t completed any milestone, I’m worthless, I can take nothing to prove and defend my worth
Real world: I have no certs, I’m basically the equivalent of high school graduate with a whole chunk of time wasted, no real world experience, not even connections that people usually have if they’ve been working for a while.
and so with the bad working experiences I refuse to try another shitty dehumanizing job, but there is no other that I can get without graduating Uni. I keep wondering how some people just simply invent new jobs for themselves. They just make themselves needed by the world. I wish I could do that.

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I am big into quotes and sayings.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step”.

another one I like is: “When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging”. - Will Rogers.

I’m glad to hear you said hi. I have found that asking people questions and talking about mutual interests usually works out for me. Stuff like, how have you been lately? How are are things in your area with the pandemic, etc Or if we are both into super hero stuff I would ask them if they have started watching the new season of The Umbrella Academy.

I actually saw an audio book about the art of conversation that I might pick up (I’m not so good at the conversation myself).

How about another quote: “its not how you start, its how you finish”. - Aristotle

I do not know what your options are in terms of finishing your studies and getting a degree or certification and what jobs are available, but sometimes there are not any good options. Sometimes the best option is to take the least bad option or the one that gets you to better options sooner than the others.

You are not your job, you are not the number in your bank account. We’re all humans and we all deserve the same stuff. Full bellies, people to laugh and cry with and a warm place to sleep.

I don’t know where you are and so I don’t want to make assumptions about your options, but if you cannot work for someone else then you have to work for yourself. I don’t want to discourage you, but without a boss or a time clock you are the one responsible for being your own boss and time clock.

Having said that, if you try it start small. If you think you would enjoy working with wood, find the plans for something simple and try building it. If its your first time doing something new…its not going to go according to plan, but its only when you mess up that you learn something. Maybe you would prefer cooking food…maybe you have a passion for history, whatever it is that you enjoy…

Personally I love it when I screw something up because it just means that I just learned something I maybe thought I knew…but I didn’t and now I am better for it. Screwing up is awesome!

I have a mantra I like to say: “Only New Mistakes” - Staznak (by far the smartest of the people I have quoted).

here is another I like “Rocks in my path? I keep them all. With them I will build my castle” - Nemo Nox

I am really really quote happy today, one last one: “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.

I feel like sometimes its more valuable to know what you do not want to do than what you do. Sometimes you start doing a random thing and it turns into something. A friend of mine had some anxieties and by trying to work through them made a really fun card game that I think is super fun and who knows where that will lead him. You never know. Kitboga is always saying “take chances, get messy” (I know I said only one more quote).

My opinion is that if you learned something then you didn’t really waste your time.

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That was a lot of me talking AT you, sorry for that.

What do you like to do?

What you do if money wasn’t any factor?

Do you play an instrument? if so what do you play?