Hello, I am extremely livid right now. So livid, the kind that the only way to explain my anger is by taking action.
First off, I’m pissed about school, our school has done nothing to take care of us. First off there is no fuckign security, they had it for a week and now they’re at it again robbing people, second off they don’t give a shit about us, we are LITERALLY PAYING THEM TO WORK, WE ARE LITERALLY FREE LABOR FOR THEM, and they just call “mandatory” and put it as part of the grade and if you don’t do it you have to make up 2 more weeks of it, FOR MISSING ONE FUCKIGN HOUR, ONE GOD DAMN MINUTE LATE AND THIS HAPOENS. ITS BULLSHIT ISTFG. They have also taken THE ENTIRE fucking school year to give me my Mother FUCKING Accomadations because I can’t fucking do school without it. They didn’t let me having even after having my therapist AND psychiatrist sign for it, because “I need a psychological evaluation” and the place you fucking reccomended us for that never even CALLED BACK. AFTER MORE THAN 3 MONTHS. WERE THEY EVEN REAL? WAS THAT A SCAM TOO? It was wasn’t it??? And get this- they give me said accomadations AFTER I start failing classes, (coincidentally after my mom leaves a bad review of the psych place saying it was a scam) and 2 WEEKS before term ends. I AM BASICALLY FUCKED! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Isn’t that AWESOME?! ISNT THAT JSUT FUCKING FANTASTIC HAH! and YEA, the teachers dont give a shit, they don’t even have educational degrees, and the people taking care of the animals are the type that says “oh well you signed up for this” YOU STUPID RETARDED FUCKING BITCH. IT WASNT LIKE THIS FOR ALL PREVIOUS STUDENTS. they just want us to fail… they just want money, they dotn give a shit, and we have several students who may just bring the news into this soon because FUCK THIS. We are all suffering as we are all under stress, our program director is amazing and we love her but she does not see any issue whatsoever, so that hurts even more. We are all in debt and being labored into working for this school, istg Hamilton you little bitch. This is your plan isn’t it? Free money for laboring students. Hehehehe, someone’s gonna sue you soon shit maybe the whole school. Remember the girl with fucking CANCER?! Oh yea you didn’t care about how she needed a few academic accomadations because she’s a cancer survivor and growing another tumour on her adrenal gland. But no, you didn’t care about that either did you? And our dear friend who’s grandfather died and needed a break from school after coming to you MULTIPLE times because her car was broken into because YOU don’t have security. You know, I also wonder if you have something to do with those robbers. Yea nope. You never gave a shit. OH! OH! And remember the pervert of the school?~ how the entire school was trying to get his stupid prissy creepy ass kicked out, but you didn’t because “Oh he was just being blamed for something he didn’t do!” And “Oh men are blamed for everything! Oh no poor me for not being a mature fucking human being with a filter and boundaries and control of your Fucking Sex Drive like the rest of the fucking world!” And you know, they saw it happen. Everyone did. Everyone saw that side of him, even the teacher, he literally calls women “Females” like they’re fucking objects. Are you stupid? No, you’re well aware of what’s going on. But you don’t do shit. You’re greedy. You’re a shitty human being and you know you can’t hide it. No one beleives your bullshit. We all see through it. “Come to me if you ever need to talk about something” MY ASS. “This is an accelerated program” “You signed up for this.” “You knew this was part of the program” (half of the shit going on right now wasn’t what we signed up for) “We care and we want to do what’s best for the students at this school.” Lieslieslieslieslieslieslieslies Lies. You just want the money, isn’t that right you greedy fucking asshat. Pretending you want to help others. Fucking bullshit. Everyone is going home breaking the fuck down. We are all exaughsted and extremely stressed, some of us want to die, me for example. But no. No one listens to their students, not in this school. Yea nope. No one cares. Not even the people running it. You don’t even care enough to renew the books in this damn school. I mean shit half of them are torn up. I seriously feel sorry our director doesn’t see what’s going on and has to put up with you. She is literally working so fucking much she doesn’t even have time to realize what’s going on.
Second off, I’m pissed about creeps. Do you know how many years I had to deal with little bitches like these? So. Many. Fucking. Years. Constantly telling me to most disgusting, terrible and odd things they wanted me to do to them or do to someone else. The most discpicable and weirdest things. Sending me pictures, asking for pictures, bombarding me with walls of weird fucking hentai shit that I would have to just mute them for weeks to get them to fuck off for just a month. Stalking me, somehow knowing everything about me before I told them, spreading rumours about me when I finally blocked them. In fact I’m sure they still stalk me after all they want me to hate them and I can already tell people are hearing some weird shit coming out their mouth because said people hint at things that are very odd. Though they could just be another new creep I have to deal with. And, back then. I couldn’t just block them because I knew them irl, so I didn’t know what would happen if I did, because they took even more pleasure in me hating them and being disgusted by them, and ignoring them. It’s probably what they loved the most. I hated it. I hate people, I hate men, I hate this world. I never get. A break.
Third off, I’m pissed about men being obsessed with their own fucking cocks that they mine as well eat one if they love it so much. My mom husband thinks he’s all that just because he walks around with a little fucking dangler between his legs, 'says my mom had issues because there wasn’t a “man in the house” and that he “put women in their place.” This made me lose all hope I had left for him. I used to have maybe a little hope he was capable of being a good person, but now I know for sure he will forever be the balls carelessly thrown on the window for every castration of a male dog to see. I want to see him scream. I want to see him beg. I want to see his insides outside. I’m sorry, but I can’t take it anymore. I’m losing my fucking mind. Do you know how badly I want to kill this man right now? Do you know how much I want to see him suffer. Hehheeheh… I’ll take the most disgusting pleasure in seeing this degenerate little twat cower and scream in the agony he deserves to experience. And I know he knows. Heeheheheheheheh… I know he’s afraid, he knows what I can do, because I will if I decide not to let it go… But I don’t, because what good am I if I go to jail? What good is my life if I get in trouble? I’m sorry I’m losing my fucking mind, idk if this is Mori or me anymore, we are so fucking blended right now, and we both hate, It. Mori is always telling me there’s only 1 answer with people like this in this world. But the only answer I can agree on is killing myself because there is literally no other way out of this permanently. I mean does he not realize he’s not being “manly” he’s being immorally disgusting and creepy as hell. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if they no longer had such a “dangle” would they be less bitchy? No. It’s the testosterone, and it mocks me. “Just because you dont have testosterone running through your veins you can’t hurt me, but I can hurt you.” Hehehehehehhehehehe… You wanna fucking test that out? I have many concotions I could make in whatever way suits your agony best. And I know the thing you fear most. That is really all I need my stupid little friend. So don’t kid yourself. But then again if i just kill myself, this dysphoria and anger and pain will end. Ill be left alone, for once in my life. I’ll be at peace. Sometimes death is the only answer you know? I was getting better, but that one little word… And you know i dont want to get triggered, but when you have to constantly see a living pile of shit walk around your house all day, AND GO INTO YOUR FUCKING ROOM WHILE YOU ARENT THERE, doing who knows what. It needs to die. It’s either me or all of them. In the end. Bc what else are we supposed to do, this world only gets worse and worse, how can we fix it? We never can. So why should I continue living here, living at all, when I have to live with people like this. Whether it’s man or woman. They’re just usually men. Women can be just as fucking creepy, but they usually aren’t. Afterall, I think this creepiness is a chemical based thing. Its always connected to being religious as well, but I won’t get into that, as I’ve done enough to get myself banned from this place. It’s fine though. Once I know I have nothing, and nothing can help me, I’ll forever be alone. No one will ever care about me no matter how much I care about them. Once you realize your empathy just hurts yourself and others, you’re just a waste of time for others. Nothing matters. Nothings real. I can’t take it. Icanticantdothusicant I just want the pain to end. I never feel okay I never felt safe I’m never happy my sister had her baby and I already had I feeling I would die soon after so what else am I going to do I can’t changeanythingicant change fate I can’t fix anything I can’t help people I can’t do anything no one cares no one ever cares no matter how much I scream or cry or help others no one will ever give that back no one gives a shit so why should I anymore I can’t takes this I can’t take it anymore I can’t do this.
These thoughts run through my head all day every day, and the only cure is being alone, or having said wish of someone actually caring and being here be true. But it never happens. In the end I have no one, and not even my systemmates can help me. Because I’ve learned I block them when I’m like this, I dont want them o see me like this i dont want them to see me sufer, i dont want them to leave me because im losing my mind I dont want them to know, but they do. And they think the only answer is closing myself off from the world. But they know its not a good idea, and i know that i dont want that, i want to care about people. I want to see people happy i want to help people i want to be happy but i cant like this, i cant with people like this in my life but at the same time I can’t stand being alone it hurts so much I want to die everything makes me want to die there’s nothing here to fix me. I want to throw up but I can’t I want to stop existing but I can’t and I dotn want to but I can’t take this, it never stops I never get a break I just want a friend but that’s impossible because they always end up crazy or have their own life so can’t hangout or even have their own crazy motherfucker to deal with that tried to fuck with me so I can’t I’m never comfy with anything I can be happy only in short bursts of energy and after Im terrified idk what to do anymore I cant take this. Idk why I’m typing but I’m sure it’s for some stupid reason. Maybe in hopes I can be understood and related to but that won’t happen because I said bad shit so now I’m going to get banned and shit but it’s fine I need to close myself off from everything when it comes to needing help. I can continue helping but I can’t be helped for myself I’m never safe. Why do people have to be so fucked up… I don’t want to lose my hope in humanity… It hurts… It hurts…ithurtsithurts I can’t even trust in others empathy, because you dont even have to be a good person to have empathy. Sympathy is probably what I’m looking for. But that can also be toxic. Nothing’s safe. No one cares. I am alone. I always will be. I will die this way. I will probably not grow past 20. I used to think I wouldn’t survive after 16 and I almost didn’t, fate is just changing for me. Idk when I will eventually give up all this shit, but, I do know how. Maybe people want me to die. Thats why they don’t help. I guess that’s okay, life happens, and then it ends. It’s natural. We are all alone in the end. I feel bad my headmates have to deal with me. Maybe I can just sucide mentally.
If I had one wish before I died, it would be for this world to be fixed, once and for all. The sky’s wouldn’t be polluted, the grass would glow beautifully as it should, along with the flowers and trees. Animals would stop being killed to extinction for fun. Disease would end. Money would stop being such a fucking BITCH on the world. People would find peace, everyone could find happiness in peace, even the bad people could rehabilitate themselves and get better, that everyone could grow. War would stop, life wouldn’t be so lonely for others. We could all find true freedom. We could help others, we could all grow together. Things would all get better. I think if I died on those terms, I could die happy in this world one last time.
X & Mori