Livid (trigger warning: grotesque)

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Hello, I am extremely livid right now. So livid, the kind that the only way to explain my anger is by taking action.
First off, I’m pissed about school, our school has done nothing to take care of us. First off there is no fuckign security, they had it for a week and now they’re at it again robbing people, second off they don’t give a shit about us, we are LITERALLY PAYING THEM TO WORK, WE ARE LITERALLY FREE LABOR FOR THEM, and they just call “mandatory” and put it as part of the grade and if you don’t do it you have to make up 2 more weeks of it, FOR MISSING ONE FUCKIGN HOUR, ONE GOD DAMN MINUTE LATE AND THIS HAPOENS. ITS BULLSHIT ISTFG. They have also taken THE ENTIRE fucking school year to give me my Mother FUCKING Accomadations because I can’t fucking do school without it. They didn’t let me having even after having my therapist AND psychiatrist sign for it, because “I need a psychological evaluation” and the place you fucking reccomended us for that never even CALLED BACK. AFTER MORE THAN 3 MONTHS. WERE THEY EVEN REAL? WAS THAT A SCAM TOO? It was wasn’t it??? And get this- they give me said accomadations AFTER I start failing classes, (coincidentally after my mom leaves a bad review of the psych place saying it was a scam) and 2 WEEKS before term ends. I AM BASICALLY FUCKED! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Isn’t that AWESOME?! ISNT THAT JSUT FUCKING FANTASTIC HAH! and YEA, the teachers dont give a shit, they don’t even have educational degrees, and the people taking care of the animals are the type that says “oh well you signed up for this” YOU STUPID RETARDED FUCKING BITCH. IT WASNT LIKE THIS FOR ALL PREVIOUS STUDENTS. they just want us to fail… they just want money, they dotn give a shit, and we have several students who may just bring the news into this soon because FUCK THIS. We are all suffering as we are all under stress, our program director is amazing and we love her but she does not see any issue whatsoever, so that hurts even more. We are all in debt and being labored into working for this school, istg Hamilton you little bitch. This is your plan isn’t it? Free money for laboring students. Hehehehe, someone’s gonna sue you soon shit maybe the whole school. Remember the girl with fucking CANCER?! Oh yea you didn’t care about how she needed a few academic accomadations because she’s a cancer survivor and growing another tumour on her adrenal gland. But no, you didn’t care about that either did you? And our dear friend who’s grandfather died and needed a break from school after coming to you MULTIPLE times because her car was broken into because YOU don’t have security. You know, I also wonder if you have something to do with those robbers. Yea nope. You never gave a shit. OH! OH! And remember the pervert of the school?~ how the entire school was trying to get his stupid prissy creepy ass kicked out, but you didn’t because “Oh he was just being blamed for something he didn’t do!” And “Oh men are blamed for everything! Oh no poor me for not being a mature fucking human being with a filter and boundaries and control of your Fucking Sex Drive like the rest of the fucking world!” And you know, they saw it happen. Everyone did. Everyone saw that side of him, even the teacher, he literally calls women “Females” like they’re fucking objects. Are you stupid? No, you’re well aware of what’s going on. But you don’t do shit. You’re greedy. You’re a shitty human being and you know you can’t hide it. No one beleives your bullshit. We all see through it. “Come to me if you ever need to talk about something” MY ASS. “This is an accelerated program” “You signed up for this.” “You knew this was part of the program” (half of the shit going on right now wasn’t what we signed up for) “We care and we want to do what’s best for the students at this school.” Lieslieslieslieslieslieslieslies Lies. You just want the money, isn’t that right you greedy fucking asshat. Pretending you want to help others. Fucking bullshit. Everyone is going home breaking the fuck down. We are all exaughsted and extremely stressed, some of us want to die, me for example. But no. No one listens to their students, not in this school. Yea nope. No one cares. Not even the people running it. You don’t even care enough to renew the books in this damn school. I mean shit half of them are torn up. I seriously feel sorry our director doesn’t see what’s going on and has to put up with you. She is literally working so fucking much she doesn’t even have time to realize what’s going on.
Second off, I’m pissed about creeps. Do you know how many years I had to deal with little bitches like these? So. Many. Fucking. Years. Constantly telling me to most disgusting, terrible and odd things they wanted me to do to them or do to someone else. The most discpicable and weirdest things. Sending me pictures, asking for pictures, bombarding me with walls of weird fucking hentai shit that I would have to just mute them for weeks to get them to fuck off for just a month. Stalking me, somehow knowing everything about me before I told them, spreading rumours about me when I finally blocked them. In fact I’m sure they still stalk me after all they want me to hate them and I can already tell people are hearing some weird shit coming out their mouth because said people hint at things that are very odd. Though they could just be another new creep I have to deal with. And, back then. I couldn’t just block them because I knew them irl, so I didn’t know what would happen if I did, because they took even more pleasure in me hating them and being disgusted by them, and ignoring them. It’s probably what they loved the most. I hated it. I hate people, I hate men, I hate this world. I never get. A break.
Third off, I’m pissed about men being obsessed with their own fucking cocks that they mine as well eat one if they love it so much. My mom husband thinks he’s all that just because he walks around with a little fucking dangler between his legs, 'says my mom had issues because there wasn’t a “man in the house” and that he “put women in their place.” This made me lose all hope I had left for him. I used to have maybe a little hope he was capable of being a good person, but now I know for sure he will forever be the balls carelessly thrown on the window for every castration of a male dog to see. I want to see him scream. I want to see him beg. I want to see his insides outside. I’m sorry, but I can’t take it anymore. I’m losing my fucking mind. Do you know how badly I want to kill this man right now? Do you know how much I want to see him suffer. Hehheeheh… I’ll take the most disgusting pleasure in seeing this degenerate little twat cower and scream in the agony he deserves to experience. And I know he knows. Heeheheheheheheh… I know he’s afraid, he knows what I can do, because I will if I decide not to let it go… But I don’t, because what good am I if I go to jail? What good is my life if I get in trouble? I’m sorry I’m losing my fucking mind, idk if this is Mori or me anymore, we are so fucking blended right now, and we both hate, It. Mori is always telling me there’s only 1 answer with people like this in this world. But the only answer I can agree on is killing myself because there is literally no other way out of this permanently. I mean does he not realize he’s not being “manly” he’s being immorally disgusting and creepy as hell. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if they no longer had such a “dangle” would they be less bitchy? No. It’s the testosterone, and it mocks me. “Just because you dont have testosterone running through your veins you can’t hurt me, but I can hurt you.” Hehehehehehhehehehe… You wanna fucking test that out? I have many concotions I could make in whatever way suits your agony best. And I know the thing you fear most. That is really all I need my stupid little friend. So don’t kid yourself. But then again if i just kill myself, this dysphoria and anger and pain will end. Ill be left alone, for once in my life. I’ll be at peace. Sometimes death is the only answer you know? I was getting better, but that one little word… And you know i dont want to get triggered, but when you have to constantly see a living pile of shit walk around your house all day, AND GO INTO YOUR FUCKING ROOM WHILE YOU ARENT THERE, doing who knows what. It needs to die. It’s either me or all of them. In the end. Bc what else are we supposed to do, this world only gets worse and worse, how can we fix it? We never can. So why should I continue living here, living at all, when I have to live with people like this. Whether it’s man or woman. They’re just usually men. Women can be just as fucking creepy, but they usually aren’t. Afterall, I think this creepiness is a chemical based thing. Its always connected to being religious as well, but I won’t get into that, as I’ve done enough to get myself banned from this place. It’s fine though. Once I know I have nothing, and nothing can help me, I’ll forever be alone. No one will ever care about me no matter how much I care about them. Once you realize your empathy just hurts yourself and others, you’re just a waste of time for others. Nothing matters. Nothings real. I can’t take it. Icanticantdothusicant I just want the pain to end. I never feel okay I never felt safe I’m never happy my sister had her baby and I already had I feeling I would die soon after so what else am I going to do I can’t changeanythingicant change fate I can’t fix anything I can’t help people I can’t do anything no one cares no one ever cares no matter how much I scream or cry or help others no one will ever give that back no one gives a shit so why should I anymore I can’t takes this I can’t take it anymore I can’t do this.
These thoughts run through my head all day every day, and the only cure is being alone, or having said wish of someone actually caring and being here be true. But it never happens. In the end I have no one, and not even my systemmates can help me. Because I’ve learned I block them when I’m like this, I dont want them o see me like this i dont want them to see me sufer, i dont want them to leave me because im losing my mind I dont want them to know, but they do. And they think the only answer is closing myself off from the world. But they know its not a good idea, and i know that i dont want that, i want to care about people. I want to see people happy i want to help people i want to be happy but i cant like this, i cant with people like this in my life but at the same time I can’t stand being alone it hurts so much I want to die everything makes me want to die there’s nothing here to fix me. I want to throw up but I can’t I want to stop existing but I can’t and I dotn want to but I can’t take this, it never stops I never get a break I just want a friend but that’s impossible because they always end up crazy or have their own life so can’t hangout or even have their own crazy motherfucker to deal with that tried to fuck with me so I can’t I’m never comfy with anything I can be happy only in short bursts of energy and after Im terrified idk what to do anymore I cant take this. Idk why I’m typing but I’m sure it’s for some stupid reason. Maybe in hopes I can be understood and related to but that won’t happen because I said bad shit so now I’m going to get banned and shit but it’s fine I need to close myself off from everything when it comes to needing help. I can continue helping but I can’t be helped for myself I’m never safe. Why do people have to be so fucked up… I don’t want to lose my hope in humanity… It hurts… It hurts…ithurtsithurts I can’t even trust in others empathy, because you dont even have to be a good person to have empathy. Sympathy is probably what I’m looking for. But that can also be toxic. Nothing’s safe. No one cares. I am alone. I always will be. I will die this way. I will probably not grow past 20. I used to think I wouldn’t survive after 16 and I almost didn’t, fate is just changing for me. Idk when I will eventually give up all this shit, but, I do know how. Maybe people want me to die. Thats why they don’t help. I guess that’s okay, life happens, and then it ends. It’s natural. We are all alone in the end. I feel bad my headmates have to deal with me. Maybe I can just sucide mentally.
If I had one wish before I died, it would be for this world to be fixed, once and for all. The sky’s wouldn’t be polluted, the grass would glow beautifully as it should, along with the flowers and trees. Animals would stop being killed to extinction for fun. Disease would end. Money would stop being such a fucking BITCH on the world. People would find peace, everyone could find happiness in peace, even the bad people could rehabilitate themselves and get better, that everyone could grow. War would stop, life wouldn’t be so lonely for others. We could all find true freedom. We could help others, we could all grow together. Things would all get better. I think if I died on those terms, I could die happy in this world one last time.

X & Mori

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I don’t know if i have any words that could comfort you.

You have all of my sympathy.
You have all of my care and concern, and I genuinely hope you can rally through this.

Sounds like you’re having an incredibly hard time, and I’m thankful you reached out here.

Vent away if it helps. We’re here to listen, We like having you here with us. You are loved and you are important to us.

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I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I’ve been one of those friends who has my own life. Who hasn’t been there for you. I promised… I promised that I would try to protect you no matter what, that even if I was being tortured like hell that I would still be there for you. I… couldn’t… keep that. But I love you so, so much. I think of you every day, wishing I could just be with you, even if it meant I was in the house with that damn pervert that you hate. I would protct you from him. And no, I don’t feel like I should protect you because I think you’re inferior, or weaker, or anything. I just love you, that’s all. You are really so much stronger than me, all of you. I love you…

I just want to hold you right now, I want to be a sibling to you. Tears poured down my face when I read your post; the tears are still pouring. You aren’t a burden to me. You are a sibling to me. I mean what I say sincerely. I love you so much…

My mum told me… based on something I said… that when life hurts me… I won’t choose to cope with it. I won’t choose to keep hope through it. I’ll choose pain. What she doesn’t understand is that the pain and the determination are simply different manifests of the same feeling. And I’m not ashamed that I choose pain. It’s part of who I am. I just try to help others feel less pain, regardless of mine own. So you are not a burden.

My love for you is strong so to outway the pain anyway.

Just P.M. me whenever you need a friend. I promise to push through any obsticles and be there for you as I can. And the way I live… I never go back on my words, beleive what I say.

Keep Holding on :yellow_heart: - Pengyou, your friend.

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Well, right now he won’t stfu, but that’s just him being annoying as always.
I find that helping others makes me feel a bit - alot better, because it’s nice to be reminded none of us are alone in this. Seeing all these posts today shows me so. We are all dealing with the same thing, yet we still want it to change. It’s just. I wish that we could come together and fix it, I really do. I wish there will be a community one day that could gather enough people that we could all have a big enough impact to do something. I really wish it could happen. After all we don’t have much time. I will continue having this hope, but it will continue to be attacked every day, I guess it is something we all have to fight. Life is survival after all. I can’t say I have much motivation though. I just want to help people without being used or hurt by them. And letting it out and suddenly seeing that I’m not the only one with the same topic makes me think maybe there is a chance. Though part of me hates the word hope, it’s probably because the word is such a big part of me, and seen as feminine. But even so it’s a part of me. I may hate being hopeful sometimes, but at least it gets me through the day. Because hopelessness is only going to kill me.
It’s just annoying though. Hopelessness is just so easily triggered for me. As it’s so god damn true. Like, theres such an easy solution but no one wants to come together to do it. Like, just DO IT. Like I’m ready to fight whenever the rest of this world is. But everyone cowers, and hides, or just not enough people. Idk how one could help, because sometimes even if you try to come together, there will still be people who won’t even bat an eye and continue living out in agony because they lost that light. I really sucks. I can’t stand seeing the world this way anymore. It’s tiring, and it kills me. But I want to do something. But what do I do?? Mori’s sense of Justice is killing off the poison one by one slowly and quietly, and mine is bringing others together and overpowering the poison and overthrowing it. It’s such a big world with so many rules though, which is why both choices are so impossible. And I don’t support Moris ideas until I’m stuck in that box. But the emotions don’t last forever. It’s just annoying that they occur at all.
It is very tiring to constantly live up and down on and off like this, that I’m never sure what to do, and idk how to feel safe anymore.
Oh great, my grandmother is coming to visit because she’s stressing the shit out of my sister who just had a baby by taking over her house and trying to mop the carpet because that’s TOTALLY a good idea, smh. Though it’s better I deal with her than my sister do it because my sister almost fainted. Anyways I’mma have to deal with that crazy lady for a good few days now. Idk why but our family thinks resting/relaxing = cleaning and moving around. So when I try to actually rest and sleep and relax my mom tells me I’m being “lazy” and yells at me. So that’s also fun. Anddddd, now my mood is going down again. Idk why it does that yet.
-X

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Hey,
I appreciate this, it’s okay though ^~^ I’m okay, at least for now. Though, it’s normal for everyone to have their own life, so it’s okay to take care of yourself. I try not to lose it but, it will continue happening until something changes. Until this world gets better.
I actually don’t see you much on this site, so I’m honestly a little suprised you even remember me XD I think I’ve only seen you a few times here honestly, I didn’t think I had that much of an impact though. Oh yea, and I checked out that book, only 1st-2nd chapt tho. I realize why it stressed you out so much, the author is a crazy genius?? Idk if it’s an autobiography or fiction but it tells a real enough story to me. But yea author is kinda scary lol.
Idk what life is like for you, but from what I last heard it sounded a little scary. I actually don’t see you post much about your own things. I hope you and your family are doing okay tho ^~^
And thanks, I would, actually like to be a bit like you one day. Not needing help, and just being here to help others. Empathy and trauma is a bish on emotions tho haha. And I’m sure you have same problems at times.
You know something about love? People think you have to be in a relationship to know what pure or “true” love is. It’s quite the opposite actually though. You don’t even have to know them, kinda terrifying but true. Love doesn’t have to be romantic. Love is just a feeling after all. Even though I’ve never dated anyone, I think I’ve found my meaning on what real love is. It’s wanting to help someone, caring for someone, wanting to or doing anything for someone, going through everything with someone, finding peace with them, yet, expecting none of this back, and being okay with that. Understanding and respecting them and their boundaries, and wanting what’s best for them, is the biggest thing about love. Not what you think is best, but whatever life has in store for them, wanting to do whatever you can to help them have the best life and stepping back if they don’t want your help. This love can be created and broken, it can be one person, or multiple, it can feel amazing and can also hurt so fucking much it feels like agony. but it is never completley destroyed unless for good reason or lack of light. Whether we like it or not, love grows back. It can be wilted, but it always grows back. All it takes is time, patience, and hope for the best. It’s probably the biggest thing in life that could help this world, and I love that you have that so easily (^~^ ) which is why I find it confusing that you say you choose pain instead of hope. Maybe you do need someone to listen to you for a bit? (.-.) so you can give yourself the love you give to others (˘︶˘).｡*:heart:
I will try to outway the pain ^~^ it’s just, so difficult you know? Sure I’ll feel better but then it just gets bad again you know? It’s… A never ending cycle. Trigger → Feel like shit → trigger → get better and all over again
Do you ever think about things deeply like this? As you can tell by my walls of text, I am always in this constant state of mind.
Wanna know something funny? A sibling has always been what I wanted in life XD and that wish is what got me into many toxic friendships, one that ruined my trust for others and the world for most likely the rest of my life. It’s funny because at the time I didn’t know love had anything to to with platonic things, I thought it was only romantic when I was little, as you grow though you realize love can be anything, and in the end all some of us want most in life is love. I like that you make it you goal to do that for people here ^~^
I can PM but I’m shyyyy (>~<) but yea, if you ever need anyone to talk to about situations I’ll be here to listen (^~^) I will warn though I am not used to being around ppl with so much love in their heart that it may startle me for a bit XD
I will try to PM if I can, rn I’m shy and I’m gonna eat cookies for dinner lol ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ
-Xaii

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I broke down crying in front of family and they helped. We realized all this mental health regression has been caused by school and mental illnesses that could be becoming a phobia that we didn’t know we had and it’s made my mental health so bad that I start experiencing psychosis, and because I’m failing and there is two weeks left of term all the feelings I had been bottling up increased all my other mental illnesses to act up again and I exploded and broke down even though I didn’t know I was upset, it all happened so fast. I’m so used to closing off my emotions to everyone but myself or this place that when I suddenly broke down in front of my family I dissociated and left front for a good bit but still had a bit of an idea of what was going on though everything is foggy. It happened so suddenly I didn’t even know what was going on for a good while. They consoled me and comforted me which confused me even more because I always expect to be left alone or trash talked like my grandmother does, even though they don’t end up doing that, it’s just been ingrained in my head that they will, that when I’m finally met with the empathy I’ve been seeking it scares me and I tense up and my body starts shivering and my breathing becomes confused and out of place too and I forget where I am but I still act like everything is okay and I start crying uncontrollably.
I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or not because my grandmother calls me “dramatic” but then again she is also the person that says, “I’ll tell you the right way to kill yourself.” To her past patients.
It’s so confusing because every feeling I’m experiencing is very real and suddenly they all vanish and I think I’m fine until I’m all alone again but this time it was infront of people so I’m even more confused and scared because this is all new to me I’m trying to hold the tears in because theyre coming again, I started crying again when the dog started barking and idk why because we had the talk and I wanted to stop feeling again but it keeps coming back and they say to let it all out but I’m so fucking stubborn I don’t want to be weak and I want to do it alone. Headmates are here since I switched with one of them briefly but I’m still so scared to talk to them about this I’m scared to admit to them I want comfort and I need to cry. I don’t want to cry in front of them either. I don’t want to be seen as pathetic. I just feel so fucking stupid. My mom said it’s okay to not be good at everything and be vulnerable so I’m- god damnit I started crying again. This is so fucking annoying, I don’t want to cry.- What’s going on exactly? I’m so confused and embarrassed and guilty. I feel bad for being sad. Why? Why does it take going through a mental breakdown just to open up to my family? I don’t understand why my body decided to give up
I can’t stop crying again it hurts to breathe I don’t want to cry, please help, can someone say something funny please…
I’m probably just going to forget everything, like the day before. And the day before that. And the day before that… But I don’t want to do that, but everything hurts, but I want to get better. All I want is to get better. All I want is to be happy. All I want is peace.
-X

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a horse walked into a bar.
Bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”

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When we believe people will behave one way and they do the opposite, it’s always confusing. It’s scary when we realize that maybe we’re not so alone. I hear your distress, and you clearly felt a wide variety of feelings.

But it also seemed like there were a lot of good positive feelings there? Your family were nice to you, and caring and understanding, and you didn’t know how to cope with that. Did I understand that correctly?

It sounds like you’re not used to them being this way with you and it was reallly hard to adjust to that. Hoping that this will make communication easier with your family and you in the future, and maybe they will be easier for you to talk with, maybe even before things get really tough.

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That’s such an old one lmao

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i was in tears the first time I properly heard it, hysterical tears at how funny it was :smiley:

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Pretty much, I was just so suprised. I’m just extremely tired, I think this school stuff has made me exaughsted to the point where I lost it for a good bit. Im just so tired from it you know? So overwhelmed and tired.

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Dang u must be old XD then again I’m gen Z so my sense of comedy is pretty much cursed at this point

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it does sound exhausting, a lot of emotions c an do that.

I hope that things will improve at home after today, and I hope that you will be able to depend on the family a bit more, that they will be able to express their care and love in a way that matches with what you need.

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i’ve been a fan of dad jokes since i was in my teens :grin: :grin:

i shall never be shamed for it!! hehehe, just kidding,

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I love Dad jokes too, I’m so bad at jokes though in general lol, every time I try to make one sometimes they sound silly because I forget to add context, plus gen Z does not have context with jokes it’s just chaos and stupidity combined into “haha funny = laugh”

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lame jokes, dad jokes, punny jokes… it’s all my thing! :smiley:

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A couple of guys were walking along the beach, and there were hundreds of starfish that were pushed ashore by an unusually large wave. One of the guys, as he was walking along, was picking up the starfish, and throwing them back in the ocean. The other guy said “what are you doing? It’s hopeless. You can’t even make a difference, because the number of starfish here is simply overwhelming.” The first guy picked up another starfish and tossed it back in the water, and said “I made a difference for that one.”

Our best efforts to help others may not seem to make a visible change to the world around us, but every effort most definitely makes a change for some individual. I have seen you help people here. Your postings of encouragement are wonderful! Some of the people you help, in turn will help others. And the cycle goes on in an ever widening circle. Once in a while, some of that positive energy that you sent out, will actually come back to you, although you may never be able to connect that gratefully reflected energy, with anything you have done.

The universe is mostly darkness. Like a star, you are light in the darkness.

Imagine you are walking a dark and difficult path, and there are monsters everywhere. These monsters represent the troublesome people that are around you. You are the only source of light on the path. Your light immobilizes some of them. Others are making threatening gestures, and throwing objects on the path in hopes of slowing you down or even abandoning the path altogether. You have already come a very long way on this path. You know that you must endure the hazards and continue until the path ends and you are free to walk out into beautiful sunlight.

Right now, you are still on the dark path. The end of the heroic journey is coming. You will be beyond the reach of the monsters.

Your talk of free labor reminds me of when I was in nursing school and doing clinical rotations. Absolutely it was free labor, and the facilities counted on it. Then, after a 10 or 12 hour shift, I had several hours of homework. At the end, the class was only about 50% of its original size. They do the same thing to doctors during their internships. It’s hell to provide patient care safely when about to collapse from exhaustion.

Yeah, you’re right, paying virtually unaffordable tuition for the privilege of working your ass off is a shitty system. You can’t beat the system. The only thing that makes sense is to bite the bullet and work your way through it. You have reason to congratulate yourself, for having come this far.

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Idk about that.
Every day it’s becoming more and more unreal. I keep waking up and feeling like nothing’s real. That feeling is happening stronger and stronger, along with the lack of caring about existence, because said feeling of nothing being real. I’m very tired. I tried to draw as a coping mechanism, but I was dissapointed to invert the picture and see everything was off and it looks terrible now, because I didn’t realize this before. I feel pointless for this. I worked so hard on it. Now it’s shit. It looked so good but it was all for nothing. I am also randomly getting nauseous latley, I think it’s my ribs. Been wearing my binder for much now, when I put my binder on the other day I immediatly had this feeling of “my body is about to throw up” and I stood over the toilet and sat down, then realized it could be my binder and once I took it off I was better again. I’m worried about so many things when it comes to health, that I feel like in the end it doesn’t matter because I’m going to die anyways. The loss of connection with this reality may make it easier for me too. I’m just. Tired of existing. Maybe this is my only chance to stop.
X

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In the end, we will return to and become stardust. But, we are here, and the time is now. Bring your thoughts back to this moment. Take a break from the “what if’s.” In this exact moment, what are your options?

When it comes to drawing, we are our own worst critic. A lot of artists have many paintings they have no intention of selling, because they think the work isn’t good enough. When people rave about the quality of the work, the artist often remains unconvinced. Is your work any more “off” than that of Picasso? I doubt it. Art isn’t supposed to be perfect. You might think it strange that I’m comparing you to Picasso, but art is art. There is no improving without practice.

It might be easier to choose a particular thing, activity or person to care about, rather than existence itself. Sometimes, relax and clear your mind, then become acutely aware of your surroundings. Maybe you are hearing traffic in the street, a ticking clock, the refrigerator running, etc. Eat an orange, slowly. Savor every bite. What does smell remind you of?

Doing things like that could help you feel more connected with the present moment.

What if hard work is the point? In other words, what if generating work that you are not very happy with is a necessary step toward being able to produce work that you can be proud of?

It’s hard to care about much when you’re exhausted. Isn’t school demanding a lot from you right now? Try your best to get the sleep you need. Take good care of your body.

School isn’t forever

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Hi Systemofconfusion
I am sorry I could not reply to your post earlier but I have been exhausted for the last couple of days and I want to make sure I am going to do this right. I can tell that you are scared and confused and you have many reasons to be so. Your horrible situation at school your bad experiences with creeps and your complicated family situation. There is a lot to unpack here so here we go.

Lets start with your school. My opinion about schools is simple. They suck. Big time. Show me a person that says I am so happy to go to school and I will show you a truly crazy person. In my country we have better schools that what you described but still they are far from good. When I was 11-12 I had an abusive english teacher. She screamed at us, gave us surprise tests, shamed us in front of others and other bad stuff. One time I literally vomited from stress in one of her lessons. She just smiled and did nothing. It was horrible. When my dad came school and told this to my headteacher she just told him that my english teacher does not like “sensitive weak boys” and that I should learn how to deal with it. So yeah school sucks. Some schools more some less but still they do. Have you considered changing schools. I know it is complicated but maybe it is better than to suffer like that.

Lets continue with “the creeps”. Creepy shitheads are everywhere. I am lucky that as a boy I dont have to deal with them that much but there are girl creeps too. I know these people can be scary and unpleasant to deal with but I want you to know this. More than anything they are pathetic. They are pathetic people and they dont deserve your attention. The best way to deal with them is to try to ignore them. And if that is not possible make your contact with them as short as possible. Dont show emotions to them. Even things like hate or dissgust. They get of that too. They like the attention. Dont give them that. It would be nice if you found some people in the school that you are comfortable with and walk with them to the bus or something so you are not alone when going home.

Last but not least I want to adress your problems with your father and his “manliness”. That type of behavior is not manliness. I dont even know what to call that. And it is not solely caused by testosteron. When I was going to gym I had higher levels of testosteron and it caused me to be a bit more impulsive and agressive but the change was not that drastic. Testosteron does not cause this kind of behavior. It is the way a person is thinking and acts. If your dad was driving a car a bit faster or something like that that would have been caused by testosteron. Stupid sexist comments are caused by being an idiot. I think you dad might be even insecure about his “manliness” and that is why he says such things but that is just a theory. I am sorry your dad and other bad people had filled you with hatered towards boys and men. I hope you can find some others that will change your mind. Most of us are not like that but the worst of us are easy to spot.
I am sorry you felt like killing yourself is the only way out. I truly am. Please we are here for you ok. I dont want you to suffer. I wish things get better for you. I really hope that you will be happy again. :slightly_smiling_face:

Stay safe until then
Bye

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