I miss being a kid… Always having a smile on my face, laughing and imagining. My mind could never comprehend “impossible”, that word did not exist to me. I remember a time when I wanted to be a pilot, doctor, chemist and have the body of The Rock to put it all together. I remember reading Psalm 23 and not fearing a thing and getting straight A’s… But now… I’m weak, my mustard seed faith isn’t enough. My doubt presses on me, I feel like a paper under a rock trying to move but I can’t… So this is how Peter felt right before he fell into the waters. Past me wouldn’t believe this… Hack I can imagine it right now, me telling him that I’ve been rejected by 12 girls, that I had a beautiful, smart, kind girl in my reach and I was afraid to tell her how I felt, I’m gonna become a porn addict or I got 32% in my test but I managed to get a 68% in the next one or I tried killing myself more than 3 times but I just couldn’t die… God living is so hard. I’ve reached a point where I don’t even feel worthy of reading the Bible anymore. We have a biology test tomorrow… I wanna cheat but I can’t find it in me, I don’t know if its cowardice, pride or arrogance I continue studying knowing I won’t finish studying in time. Yesterday there was an online lecture(precalculus) and I understood nothing because I was too busy trying to catch up with biology and chemistry that I left my precalculus work to pile up gosh I’m finished
Hey, I hear you. Sometimes life is shit. Sometimes you have more piled on you than you feel like you can handle. I struggled in college for that reason. The best advice I can give, which isn’t great for high school, is to talk with your teachers about it. If they won’t help, talk with your guidance counselor. Unfortunately, your teachers are there to work, and as much as they may want to help, they may have their own restrictions as to what they can do, but asking them for scheduling help doesn’t hurt. Like rejection from girls, the worst they can say is no. Unlike rejection from girls though, they’ll respect you for asking for help.
I think back to high school and I wonder how I did it. I don’t think I could do it today. It was rough. But I got through. I know you can too, and I know that because you want to. You care.
Faith shouldn’t be blind. If faith was easy, it wouldn’t be faith, it would be just a given. Faith is believing things will be okay, even when you doubt it. Talk to your church leaders about it. Ask the tough questions. Any church leader who’s any good understands your humanity and understands that faith is hard, and can guide you through that. Even Jesus struggled with faith at several points in the New Testament. I understand not even wanting to read the Bible. I’ve never read the whole thing. Feeling daunted by it is similar to Adam and Eve hiding from God in the garden. He knew exactly what they’d done, but they hid in shame. God knows what you’re going through, and you can’t hide from Him. You’re not perfect, and while it’s easier said than done, you don’t need to feel ashamed for not reading the Bible or for having doubts in your faith. It’s part of being human.
You want so badly to do the right things and to have a good life. You wanting it tells me you haven’t given up on it. It’s hard to hold onto that faith, but as long as you don’t let go, you’re striving to be better. You’re trying to be better in school. You’re trying to find a girl worth dating. You’re trying to stay alive. You’re trying, and that makes all the difference.