My name is Lenny, I’m 22 years old, I live in Hamburg (Germany) and this is my first time ever reaching out to anyone about a few of my troubles, which have gotten a lot worse in the last few weeks. I’ve never formulated or written this down and of course english is not my native language, so please excuse me if I made some spelling mistakes or if this is quite hard to understand. I hope that no one here expierienced or is experiencing something similar, but maybe someone can help a random guy on the internet out?
So…A few months ago my mother got diagnosed with breast cancer and since then had to get a lot of operations, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. She wasn’t the healthiest woman to begin with, even before this all started and there are a lot of times where she doesn’t feel well at all. I do not know how everything will turn out in the next years, but for the moment everything seems to be bearable for her. I never lost someone close to me, but I know that sooner or later it will be inevitable.
Even though I work as a paramedic here in germany and saw a lot of people die, the thought alone of my mother (and father) not being there for me anymore terrifies me and it revealed something to me:
Especially in the evening when I lay wide awake the feeling of loneliness is creeping up on me. I’ve never been in a serious relationship with a woman and at this point I got the feeling I’ll never be in one, even though I want to be. I only got one or two „closer“ friends and it gets harder and harder for me every day to maintain that friendship and to talk to them, to meet new people and to connect with others and build deeper relationships in general. I feel like the things I’m excited about and I’m interested in just aren’t enough anymore to fill a conversation and so I feel like I don’t have anything interesting to say at all. Even when visiting concerts of my favourite bands or going places I really like, I feel lonelier than ever before, even though I know that there are people which share some of the same interests. These things became more apparent to me than and they are overwhelmingly terrifying at times, sometimes even ending in horrific panic attacks and nightmares. It has gotten so bad, that I have to take painkillers to just numb that feeling of loneliness just for a little while and get my peace of mind and maybe a couple hours of sleep…
I realised that this is a problem which will not solve itself without any help from others, so for a start I’m reaching out to you guys if anyone maybe has some ideas for me?