Connections to others have always been very temporary in my life. Looking back, I’ve never had any true, genuine connections. There isn’t one single connection that I’d grieve not having in my life anymore. Subconsciously, I’ve never let anyone ever become important enough to cause me as much pain. I don’t even miss any of the connections to family members. I haven’t fully understood yet what exactly I am grieving when being sad they aren’t a part of my life anymore. Maybe it’s simply the disillusion that came along with thinking about these relationships with some distance.
There aren’t any connections in my real life, but even here the feeling that I don’t belong and that it’s all only temporary sneaked in already. Internally, I started disconnecting. I feel increasingly like a burden who bothers others unnecessarily and so embarrassed by what I write and how I interact with others. I know I’ll lose people who have become important to me. The longer I’ll wait, the more painful it’ll be. It’s not meant to be long-term. Do you really matter to anyone without being part of their real life? Even this wouldn’t mean you’d matter to them, as probably everyone has experience at some point in their life.
“Go find friends elsewhere.” What if you’re told that every single time? I feel like that no place is meant for me to stay. Eventually, I’ll always be alone and disconnected. I’m supposed to stay on my own. I know it’s me who has to take care of myself. I know it’s me who has to be able to cope with all of that. I’ll always be the one who must not stay, who is too much, unwanted, and unbearable. There are so many social media quotes on not to rely on others, but does anyone who posts these things really know how it feels to be lonely? Lonely in a way that is as harmful and life-limiting as smoking is? Do they really think it was possible to find peace, as a being of a social species, when there is no one there? Do they have the tiniest idea of how painful that is? Or is my suffering just as wrong as I am and am I just failing to accept I’ll live and die alone because that’s how it’s supposed to be?
What is so frustrating about this issue is that I don’t know where this is coming from. I don’t have any memories, no ideas, no explanation. “What happened to you?”, someone asked me years ago. And more recently, “When was the last time you felt connected to someone?” I don’t have an answer to neither of these questions. There’s only the pain.
Hello blini
Thank you for being so open and honest here. You have asked some really interesting questions. First let me adress the social media quotes. There are two types of these. There are the super alpha manager I dont need anyone kind and then there are the other ones like “We are born alone and we die alone” or “Everyone must face their own demons.” Let me tell you this, no we are not meant to be alone. Even introverted people need some form of social interaction. What is meant by these quotes is that one should not rely on other people with their problems. Its doesnt mean that you should not ask for help but it means that there are certain battles that you will have to fight yourself. It doesnt mean that we should be alone. We are not ment for that. Since the beginning of the human race we traveled in tribes because we are tribal creatures. We NEED other people. Thats how we survived. Now that doesnt mean there werent those who could not make it alone but it was much better to be a part of a tribe. Being cast out of a tribe was the equvalent of a death sentence in the prehistoric times.
So now that we have established that we are not ment to be alone lets focus on the fear of being said to “find other friends.” I have been told this sentence before. Its not pleasant but it either means that there is too much tension and anger or that the people you are with are not worth being around. Finding the right people that you care about and that also care about you is hard and it takes time but it is in no way impossible. People here appretiate you blini . You are in no way being annoying or too much. Your struggles and fears are valid so dont be afraid to share them . You are also very supportive of others here which is amazing! I am glad you are a part of this community blini.
I think your problem with finding close relationships might originate from your fear of being in the present. I think you have talked about this in your previous post where you mentioned your problems with addiction and how you cant give it up because it makes you forget about the present moment. For a person to strongly love and care about somebody one must feel the present, feel the emotion, feel the pain that comes with it. When one is dissconected from those things, everything becomes dull. I think it might be good to work on this with a therapist because your addiction, fear of the present moment and your lack of meaningful connections are definitely connected with each other.
There is a difficult road ahead of you blini but I have no doubt you can make it. The further you go the better your life will be, even though there will be some bumps here and there, it will be worth it in the end. We will always be here to give you the support you need. Find the help you need and try to beak this circle blini. You can do this, you are stronger than you think
Thank you so, so much for your kind words and the reassurance. I appreciate it, and so does my heart.
I haven’t figured this out fully yet, but I think there’s a lot of truth to it. Feeling connected to others requires being connected to oneself, which isn’t the case when not being in the present moment.
I have to be patient and give it time, which is way easier said than done, especially since it is such a big contributor to the suffering. I also have to be more consistent with accepting what is and being grateful, but, well, I’m trying. I’m not in the same place anymore as I was three months ago, so there’s a reason to hope it’ll get better.
Thank you for your reply and your support. It means a lot. Have a lovely weekend.
You are right, you have to give it time and yes it is easier said then done but you can do it. You are trying and thats what matters . I hope you have a lovely weekend too blini.
. You are also very supportive of others here which is amazing! I am glad you are a part of this community blini.