Connections to others have always been very temporary in my life. Looking back, I’ve never had any true, genuine connections. There isn’t one single connection that I’d grieve not having in my life anymore. Subconsciously, I’ve never let anyone ever become important enough to cause me as much pain. I don’t even miss any of the connections to family members. I haven’t fully understood yet what exactly I am grieving when being sad they aren’t a part of my life anymore. Maybe it’s simply the disillusion that came along with thinking about these relationships with some distance.
There aren’t any connections in my real life, but even here the feeling that I don’t belong and that it’s all only temporary sneaked in already. Internally, I started disconnecting. I feel increasingly like a burden who bothers others unnecessarily and so embarrassed by what I write and how I interact with others. I know I’ll lose people who have become important to me. The longer I’ll wait, the more painful it’ll be. It’s not meant to be long-term. Do you really matter to anyone without being part of their real life? Even this wouldn’t mean you’d matter to them, as probably everyone has experience at some point in their life.
“Go find friends elsewhere.” What if you’re told that every single time? I feel like that no place is meant for me to stay. Eventually, I’ll always be alone and disconnected. I’m supposed to stay on my own. I know it’s me who has to take care of myself. I know it’s me who has to be able to cope with all of that. I’ll always be the one who must not stay, who is too much, unwanted, and unbearable. There are so many social media quotes on not to rely on others, but does anyone who posts these things really know how it feels to be lonely? Lonely in a way that is as harmful and life-limiting as smoking is? Do they really think it was possible to find peace, as a being of a social species, when there is no one there? Do they have the tiniest idea of how painful that is? Or is my suffering just as wrong as I am and am I just failing to accept I’ll live and die alone because that’s how it’s supposed to be?
What is so frustrating about this issue is that I don’t know where this is coming from. I don’t have any memories, no ideas, no explanation. “What happened to you?”, someone asked me years ago. And more recently, “When was the last time you felt connected to someone?” I don’t have an answer to neither of these questions. There’s only the pain.