New here. I’m 27 and I don’t have any friends, no girlfriend, and I don’t get along with my family. I don’t talk to anyone.
I had a group of friends back in school, being around them was the happiest point in my life. After college though I kind of disappeared. I watch Twitch in my spare time, it gives the illusion of having friends. Same for porn, it gives the illusion of having a girlfriend.
As for family, I’ve been feeling anxiety around them, it’s been getting worser over time. A lot of feelings of shame. I grew up without a mom and I have no siblings. I have 2 cousins that are a lot younger than me. I used to be able to play with them, but now I cant even look them in the eye due to shame and envy. They both have actual parents, and their rich to boot.
For my personality I’ll simplify it by likening myself as the Grinch. Difference is the Grinch hates the people of Whoville and he has no dog. Also the people of Whoville are not kind and accepting like in the story. Only 5% of them would want to go up the hill and be friends with the Grinch. The other 95% of people would just pretend the Grinch doesn’t exist.
Thing is that the Grinch has a job in Whoville. The co-workers don’t like him because he doesn’t talk and smile like they do. So he doesn’t exist. And he goes back home on the hill and the cycle just repeats.
Anyways, the abandonment issue. My parents divorced early, dad didn’t remarry. I used to visit my mom once a year. I haven’t contacted her in +13 years now. I didn’t think about it as a kid, but now I feel extremely bitter towards my mom. I’ve never met anyone that grew up without a mom.