New here. I’m 27 and I don’t have any friends, no girlfriend, and I don’t get along with my family. I don’t talk to anyone.
I had a group of friends back in school, being around them was the happiest point in my life. After college though I kind of disappeared. I watch Twitch in my spare time, it gives the illusion of having friends. Same for porn, it gives the illusion of having a girlfriend.
As for family, I’ve been feeling anxiety around them, it’s been getting worser over time. A lot of feelings of shame. I grew up without a mom and I have no siblings. I have 2 cousins that are a lot younger than me. I used to be able to play with them, but now I cant even look them in the eye due to shame and envy. They both have actual parents, and their rich to boot.
For my personality I’ll simplify it by likening myself as the Grinch. Difference is the Grinch hates the people of Whoville and he has no dog. Also the people of Whoville are not kind and accepting like in the story. Only 5% of them would want to go up the hill and be friends with the Grinch. The other 95% of people would just pretend the Grinch doesn’t exist.
Thing is that the Grinch has a job in Whoville. The co-workers don’t like him because he doesn’t talk and smile like they do. So he doesn’t exist. And he goes back home on the hill and the cycle just repeats.
Anyways, the abandonment issue. My parents divorced early, dad didn’t remarry. I used to visit my mom once a year. I haven’t contacted her in +13 years now. I didn’t think about it as a kid, but now I feel extremely bitter towards my mom. I’ve never met anyone that grew up without a mom.
@plainlogi I’m sorry that you feel this way, and I’m sorry that situations that happened while you were young and were out of your control have had you feeling this way for so long. Divorce in a family affects the children a lot more than most people realize, although recently the negative consequences have been noticed and noted. I can sympathize with some of the feelings, even though my circumstances have been different.
I’m sorry that you feel ashamed and also envy towards your cousins. Unless they’ve given you reason to believe otherwise, I doubt they are judging you or looking at you with pity because you spent the majority of your life growing up with just your dad, or because you don’t have the amount of money that they have. While having money helps a person to be more comfortable and get access to care and items more easily, it doesn’t change how you feel about yourself. It doesn’t make you automatically be happy, or love yourself. Neither does having both parents. Happiness and self love is something that comes from within. If you’re comfortable enough with one of your cousins or maybe even one of your coworkers, and you believe one of them will have a serious conversation with you, maybe you could have heart to heart with one of them about your feelings.
I know it hurts that you and your mother stopped all contact, but have you ever tried to find out why she didn’t try to keep in contact? Finding out may help you with your feelings towards her. You may find out something that is really hurtful, but either way, maybe it will bring you closure and allow you to move past what happened with her. Maybe she thought that you would be better off without her in your life, or maybe she didn’t want you to see the strain between herself and your dad.I highly suggest talking to a counselor or therapist about your feelings in general before deciding any type of action. A therapist can help you decide if it’s worth pursuing and/or give you tools to help you feel better. HeartSupport has a one week free trial with betterhelp if you decide you want to speak with a counselor. (http://www.betterhelp.com/Heartsupport)
I know I really wasn’t able to help you and I’m sorry about that. I hope you are able to conquer these feelings.
I don’t have anyone to have a “heart to heart” talk with, especially not my cousins or coworkers. I’ve had a few coworkers I could open up to, but their gone.
My mom, well it’s just done. Learning about the why won’t make me see things positively, I’m already over it. I only think of her because I’m unhappy, someone to blame.
I’ll give the counseling a look, though I’m not sure what to expect. Thanks for that.