It’s been a while since I last posted. I quit seeing my therapist. She was dismissive and ignored my complaints about the members of the group I was seeing and did not take my stories or life experiences seriously. I’m still unemployed and the burden of not having any income coming in is weighing heavy on me. It has been incredibly difficult managing to find the right insurance and apply for unemployment in my state and even though I’ve gone through the ropes, I’m still very anxious and depression about it. I do have a responsibility in saying that I live with my mother and that things could possibly be worse but I don’t feel better about that. I could be worse off without at home or living with someone who abuses me but that’s not the case. She does trigger me constantly with issues that I have not resolved with her (it is way more complicated than speaking with her). I don’t have any friends that I can talk to about this and I just don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I’m not threatening suicide, however, I can’t overlook this loneliness and sadness.
Thank you so much for being here. You’re totally right: loneliness is overwhelming. And on the other hand, having safe places where you can just get things off your chest, where you can interact with people who listen and care, is so, so important. You know you have that safety net right here. It’s not the same as having someone physically there for you, for sure, but you’re still among friends who genuinely care about you and your well-being. You’re not alone.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been dealing with so many obstacles/changes at once. Though I hear your willingness to be grateful for what you have. And that’s a beautiful way to keep hope and a positive perspective! I really respect and admire you for looking after those glimmers of light in the midst of something that probably feels very draining to you.
But it’s also okay to acknowledge what feels like a weight on your shoulders right now. I totally hear you for the pressure of being unemployed. I’m not working either, I’m living with my partner who is working and the daily thought of being a burden is difficult to handle sometimes. Not mentioning this feeling of having your life on pause while you just crave for something different. It’s a tough position to be in, and I think a good reminder for both of us is to give ourselves some grace. It’s okay to feel depressed and anxious about this. A lot of people can certainly relate to that, especially this year with covid and the consequences on employement/job hunting. But there is hope, friend. And it’s not like you weren’t doing anything during all this time. Like quiting your therapist because they were dismissive? That’s a powerful decision. A way to stand up for yourself and value your interests. I hope you’re proud of yourself for making this step because that’s an important one. It means you are more confident with yourself, with your needs as well. You’ve been also looking actively after an insurance and a job, which is A LOT. In the world we’re living in right now, it’s objectively a journey in itself, and you can be proud of yourself for all the steps you’ve taken on that path.
How do you envision things from now? Regarding therapy, and/or eventually your relationship with your mom? Also, do you receive any support in finding the right insurance/job?
I’m sending love your way.
@Michal I appreciate your gratefulness in this hard time. I also appreciate that you’re willing to share that you’re feeling lonely and sad right now. I don’t know how long you’ve been trudging through the unemployment red tape and financial burden, but you’re working through it and doing all that you can do in this moment. I’m sorry that in the midst of this, you had to make hard decisions about your therapist. It’s hard to be vulnerable and put yourself out there with someone like that and then to not be heard and to be dismissed. There are a lot of therapists out there and with time you’ll find one that’s a better fit for you. One that will listen, care, and help you heal. Those are two hard changes to go through at the same time. We are here for you and happy to listen whenever we can
I would eventually like to see a different therapist and even go a through a different type of therapy than before. In my first post, I mentioned that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and that they told me I HAD to go through DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) and I’m not sure whether I was diagnosed correctly or just maybe the therapist herself was a failure that didn’t help me.
My mom is a very difficult situation. She talks a lot for someone who doesn’t follow through a single word she says. She also cannot take any sort of conversation that steers toward progress because she’ll blow up. I don’t know what to do with that.
I am currently waiting on an approval for unemployment and when I called, they told me it would take weeks.
Thank you so much for your reply, @Michal. <3
I’ve never experienced DBT myself but heard quite a lot of good feedbacks about it. Though I hear your concerns about the diagnosis. With how this therapist behaved it’s more than legit to question her ability to make a correct diagnosis. I imagine that talking about this experience and BPD will be a first step, and maybe you’ll get a second opinion. It would be totally fine to express your reservations to another therapist, one that you’ll learn to trust. If they’re good at their job, they’ll definitely listen and reassure you one way or another. <3
Regarding your mom, how does it look like to live with her? Do you still manage to communicate together in a peaceful way?
I’m sorry you have to wait so long for your approval. I guess this year, with covid, administrations in general are even more struggling than before, which doesn’t help when, on your end, you’re waiting for something so important. I hope with all my heart that your approval will go well for you and you’ll receive some good news soon. In the meantime, take care of yourself, friend. Those are stressful times and you are more than allowed to take breaks and rest sometimes. <3
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