Thank you for sharing these updates with us. I hope it has some cathartic effect or just helps you reflect on some of your days. Your presence here and your renewed trust in this community is appreciated.
That sounds like a relaxing yet intense day for you! Not necessarily in terms of events that would have happened, but more regarding how you’ve been feeling and to where your thoughts made you wander.
Had thoughts, they probably think I’m loser and creek, they won’t waste thier time on me. Then, my anger builds up inside and it feed my ego thet broken.
Oh friend, I’m so sorry. That is very relatable though. These thoughts that appear suddenly and overwhelm you. This constant second guessing and feeling like you’re not good enough, not made to be seen nor appreciated… It’s tough to second guess ourselves almost constantly, and it makes sense that these thoughts about yourself made you have some mixed feelings. Feeling broken, feeling angry, feeling maybe even invisible or worthless? These are deep lies that can be ingrained in our minds and really affect us. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that.
Well done though for being aware of this thought process. Maybe there was a time in your life when you were not able to sit down after an event like that, to reflect on how it made you feel and what were your thoughts at the time. Generally it’s so automatic that we easily let our emotions consume us! It is admirable that you’ve been able to deconstruct it that way. The more you’ll practice that kind of self-reflection, the more you’ll be able to take some distance with how you feel. Because suddenly it all makes sense. You see the cause - your thoughts and beliefs about yourself - and you can learn to react differently over time. Once again, good job man.
I feel like the same person as him
Well, you’re certainly not the same. But it’s quite normal to be afraid of being someone you don’t want to be. Some people act as reminders of that. For me, it would be my mom, although I have also other people in mind. What we fear though, to become someone we don’t want, is not a fatality at all. Actually, this fear can be healthy if used at your own advantage. Somehow, the people who make us see aspects of humanity we don’t want to embrace give us at least something: a practical example of what not to be.
I hear that you have some strong feelings about that person and the fact that they stalked you. That it makes you feel like you are the same as him because of things you’ve done before. Though I’ve seen you on this forum for a while now, and I can tell that you’ve been carrying a lot of guilt and shame for those past actions. That, in itself, shows that you are aware that mistakes might have been made. And from that awareness, growth can really happen. Once again, you are not doomed to be someone you don’t want to be. So far, you’ve been growing a lot and used resources for that. Let’s just keep going. Let’s just prove to yourself that someone can always change over time and learn from their past actions. I’d like to encourage you to not let your fears and the lies convincing you that you’d be a bad person to defeat you. It’s by challenging those lies a little bit everyday, by working on yourself and keep doing good that you will break down those negative self-fulfilling prophecies. You’ve already been on that process for years. Keep going, friend.
I believe in you.