Loneliness on a Saturday night

Today was okay, got out work at 3pm went to get food and skateboarded after. Thier were girls with roller skates at the park, was to nervous to talk them and there was girls at other park I was nervous to talk too. Had thoughts, they probably think I’m loser and creek, they won’t waste thier time on me. Then, my anger builds up inside and it feed my ego thet broken.

I do feel like a hypercritical person, cuase I end a friendship with a friend and it went really bad. I self harm because of him and exposed really bad. It gotten to point where, he refuse to let go and has been kinda stocking me. Like calling me non stop and driving by my house.

I’m afraid if I see him, I would kill him and won’t be able to move forward with my life. Honestly, it my karma cuase, I did same things to girls and now it happen to me.

I feel like the same person as him


sounds like a lot of repeated patterns of behaviour. Are you working with a therapist to go over these issues, like the self-harm and anger?

the though pattern you described with the females sounded like this: interest/curiosity/nervousness, followed by insecurity, causing anger.
This is a rough cycle to break but I do think it can be addressed to get you in a more relaxed and confident state where it will be easier to talk to new people and be friendly.

Not sure about the friend, there are some details missing. It could sound like stalking, or it could like a genuine friend who cares and is trying to be there for you as you go through a rough time.

I remember how catastrophic the thinking about the emails were. Sometimes it is really difficult to thinking logically about a situation when we’re feeling a lot of strong emotions, and when the fears and the negatives take over.

The good news is that habits can be broken, and patterns can be changed with awareness and lots of practice.

Also, the tiles of the post is Loneliness. Is the source of the loneliness that you wished you were spending time with the new females you saw, or with your friend?

Hey @Metalskater1990,

Thank you for sharing these updates with us. I hope it has some cathartic effect or just helps you reflect on some of your days. Your presence here and your renewed trust in this community is appreciated. :hrtlegolove:

That sounds like a relaxing yet intense day for you! Not necessarily in terms of events that would have happened, but more regarding how you’ve been feeling and to where your thoughts made you wander.

Had thoughts, they probably think I’m loser and creek, they won’t waste thier time on me. Then, my anger builds up inside and it feed my ego thet broken.

Oh friend, I’m so sorry. That is very relatable though. These thoughts that appear suddenly and overwhelm you. This constant second guessing and feeling like you’re not good enough, not made to be seen nor appreciated… It’s tough to second guess ourselves almost constantly, and it makes sense that these thoughts about yourself made you have some mixed feelings. Feeling broken, feeling angry, feeling maybe even invisible or worthless? These are deep lies that can be ingrained in our minds and really affect us. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that.

Well done though for being aware of this thought process. Maybe there was a time in your life when you were not able to sit down after an event like that, to reflect on how it made you feel and what were your thoughts at the time. Generally it’s so automatic that we easily let our emotions consume us! It is admirable that you’ve been able to deconstruct it that way. The more you’ll practice that kind of self-reflection, the more you’ll be able to take some distance with how you feel. Because suddenly it all makes sense. You see the cause - your thoughts and beliefs about yourself - and you can learn to react differently over time. Once again, good job man.

I feel like the same person as him

Well, you’re certainly not the same. But it’s quite normal to be afraid of being someone you don’t want to be. Some people act as reminders of that. For me, it would be my mom, although I have also other people in mind. What we fear though, to become someone we don’t want, is not a fatality at all. Actually, this fear can be healthy if used at your own advantage. Somehow, the people who make us see aspects of humanity we don’t want to embrace give us at least something: a practical example of what not to be.

I hear that you have some strong feelings about that person and the fact that they stalked you. That it makes you feel like you are the same as him because of things you’ve done before. Though I’ve seen you on this forum for a while now, and I can tell that you’ve been carrying a lot of guilt and shame for those past actions. That, in itself, shows that you are aware that mistakes might have been made. And from that awareness, growth can really happen. Once again, you are not doomed to be someone you don’t want to be. So far, you’ve been growing a lot and used resources for that. Let’s just keep going. Let’s just prove to yourself that someone can always change over time and learn from their past actions. I’d like to encourage you to not let your fears and the lies convincing you that you’d be a bad person to defeat you. It’s by challenging those lies a little bit everyday, by working on yourself and keep doing good that you will break down those negative self-fulfilling prophecies. You’ve already been on that process for years. Keep going, friend.

I believe in you. :hrtlegolove:

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The friend I’m referred it not a good person. I understand he may have genuine feeling for me. He use me for my beach house to go vacation. Their get so angry to point where I exposed cause he drama queer, said some fuck shit me and try to be calm, he tell I’m a bad friend to him.

Thier was time along ago where he laugh about someone getting rape. He also told me that him and his friends made a guy fell off his bike. He made driving him every where without gas money.

Now cuase a speration between me and my mother. He causing a lot personal drama with me and my mother.

He not true friend, he fucking creek and honestly a fucking bitch, cuase handle being an adult about this.

I’m not trying sound I’m mad or mad at anyone.

But I hate these fucking people, he was not first and won’t be the last. Thier reason I have trust issue. The reason why I’m afraid to meeting new people or trust.

I don’t if he dies of covid for all I care. I know I’m not perfect person, but tired of being a doormats.

Don’t take the wrong way and I appreciate you listen man. You have been there for me and you really do help, and really mean a lot to me.

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this part gets its own post reply!
I won’t take anything the wrong way. If I have a question or a concern, I’ll directly ask :slight_smile:

Glad to be here, happy to help how I can! I know it can sometimes get a bit overwhelming in our heads, and I’m just trying to be a little light in the darkness. You don’t have to worry about that, okay? :hrtlegolove:

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