Maybe the title is a little too long but I don’t know how to make it more concise. Anyways I’m lonely and having the fight really hard to be on here get support. I feel like I haven’t done enough to deserve support. I feel like I’m just wasting people’s time that could be spent helping someone else. Every time I’ve come on here and try to ask for help I end up deleting the draft I wrote and saying I don’t deserve the help if I’m not helping others. I’ve fallen into this loop of I’m not well enough to get help from people so I stay away from supportive things and I get worse and try to go back and say I don’t deserve it. I’ve fallen into this loop so badly and I’m trying to get out. I’m trying to get help again but each time I push it off I think more and more that maybe I can’t be helped. I know it’s not true but each time I say it’s not true and come again I end up running away from help. I don’t even know if this will be posted at this point. I don’t know if I’ll run away again and push this off again. My self harm which I’ve managed to stop for maybe six months now is back and I can’t stop it. Everything is kind of spiraling down and I’m trying to stop it but instead I speed it up by stupid thing I do after another. I’m sorry if this is all just a waste of time and I end up running away from the comments if I post this. I’m trying not to but I keep hearing myself saying I do deserve help and I keep believing it. Hopefully all of you see this
Hello Paladine
First of all you absolutely deserve to be supported and cared for. You are one of the first people I havetalked to at Heartsupport and you were so kind and supportive. But even as a person you do deserve support. You dont have to help others to get help, you dont have to prove your worth to us. You are worthy Paladine 
. You are not wasting anyones time, people choose to help you, because they care about you. You matter Paladine and you are loved. When it comes to self harm i would recomed you look at community resource on HS discord. There are some great resources that people have shared that have helped them. For me personally things that help give me intense sensations like a cold shower or eating something sour like a lemon. Excercising is good because it brings pain but in a way that helps you, although I have heard of people taking it too far and self harm via excercising so be careful about that. We are here fo you Paladine when you need us. We are not gonna judge and we are going to listen. We are trying to make this a safe space and I hope you feel safe here. Hang in there Paladine
I know I that. The problem is I judge myself and how I’m judging myself isn’t nice or even fair to myself but I can’t stop the standards. I know they are double standards and I don’t apply them to anyone else but I can’t stop them. I don’t know how to.
Thanks for saying that but I honestly don’t believe it. I believe you believe it but I don’t believe it about me. I don’t see myself as having any worth at the moment. I’ve actually recently stop seeing myself as even a person and more of a thing now. It’s not fun. Again I don’t know how to stop this.
I wish I saw it that way. But the more I think about it the more I see myself as burden and that I have to help others because it I don’t I’m just hurting people and I don’t want to do that so I try to hide and try to help and all it does is make the thoughts worse about this and I’m honestly scared I let it get too far away from me and that I can’t be saved now and I’ll think like this forever. I know it’s illogical but it’s a fear I have. Thank you by the way
Self love is hard. It really is. I am struggling with it too Paladine. So far I have gotten so far as to not hate myself which I consider a nice progress. Still not really loving myself. What I wanna say is that many of us here struggle with what you are struggling with too. Its a tough battle. It seem unnatural for us tolove ourselves because we see all of our faults and depression makes them look bigger and our qualities look smaller or almost non existent. I would advise you to try to make list of 10 things that you dont like about yourself and 10 things you love about yourself. You are probably going to struggle with the loving part but thats expected. Think about it. Think about what you like about yourself and what others like about you.
I am also gonna recommed this positive reinforcment meditation Guided Meditation for Positive Energy, Relaxation, Peace 🌤 - YouTube Its from a very lovely channel that a follow and that has helped me when I struggled. I hope it helps you at least a bit Paladine
@Paladine you absolutely matter.
When you feel things going out of control, the thing we do is turn against ourselves. It’s one of the most natural and one of the most unhelpful things our little brains do.
If you know you’re struggling, then you also have to admit that this is what your brain is doing. I know it’s hard when the thoughts about yourself are so loud and negative, but you have a whole community here saying that those thoughts are not justified, that you do have worth and are worthy of our time and attention.
Like Ashwell said, self-love is a HARD habit to develop.
Can you write down what you’re feeling, and respond to it as if it were someone else asking those questions, expressing those thoughts? Pretend it was one of us here who wrote it. See if you can trick your brain into tapping into the compassionate side!!
There is nothing about you that makes you unworthy of being supported. You are just like anyone else who needs support and there are no rules that say you have to be helping other people in order to get help. That’s just not true.
You matter just like everyone else.
I was there a month ago where I was starting to not hate me but things I did which was huge for me because they were basically the same to me for my whole life. But now I’m back there hating myself.
Yeah that’s true. What makes it worse is when you stop seeing your good qualities as good anymore. (I don’t know if I’ll keep that sentence in). It definitely feels unnatural. More than that most times. It feels wrong and that hating myself is right.
That’s a good idea. I’ll try to do that. I hope I can at least come up with two good things about me honestly.
That’s a good idea. I’ll try that and hope I don’t make some double standard nonsense that makes it not apply to me somehow
Thank you for saying that. I’ll try to believe it
Dear @Paladine,
You are absolutely deserving of support, but it is true that this realization will need to come from within. We can have hundreds of people telling us something, yet in the ends it depends on our own acceptance of this truth or not. Of course it doesn’t come suddenly. It takes practice - repeated experiences of putting yourself out there, reaching out, and actually experiencing directly that it is okay to do that.
A word that may need to be replaced in the future is “deserving”. This world alone implies that help would be conditional - we have to be a certain way or do certain things in order to access something fundamental. While really, the very fact that we exist, that we experience a huge range of things as human beings, should be enough to have access to the support we need. You don’t have to be someone else or prove yourself in order to be supported. This isn’t really about the space and time you could receive, it is about how you perceive yourself and your worth.
A little trick I like to use when I’m embarrassed for reaching out (fear of being a burden, of taking others time, of being too much, undeserving…), is to remind myself that I am not special on that matter. I am like everyone else. It forces me to use some kind of reversed humility – I don’t want to give the message that I am beyond help, too something or not enough something else while any other person would be deserving of help. If I think that way, I also diminish the importance of how others feel about their own struggles, which is, ironically, generally the same way as I do (“I’m a burden”, “I’m not deserving of help”, etc.). Ultimately, it’s all about personal perceptions, emotions that we use to build false truths about ourselves or about how things should be. While really, it’s about how we feel, not any tangible truth about our worth.
Well done for reaching out and pushing through the lies today. You are here. You’re being honest, vulnerable, you’re saying that you’re not okay and acknowledging why it’s hard for you to share what’s on your heart. This is a practical victory against your concerns, fears and worries. I’d like to encourage you to take some time to appreciate your bravery today. It’s a win, and I’m very grateful that you allow us to sit by your side. 
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