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Lonely, Depressed, Overwhelmed, Stressed, and Negatively Nostalgic


#1

Between the months of December 2017 and February 2018 I lost 3 friends very close to me to suicide. They were just kids, younger than me. One of them was 14, then the other two were 15 or somewhere around there. They were all someones kid, niece, aunt, friend, sister, etc. etc. the list can go on and on. They all had just raw talent for music and art. Their names were Liv, Que, and Karma. I personally was closer with Karma, I wish I was there to talk to her and I wish she was still around. They were all LGBT of some sort.
Que and Karma were a couple, Que unfortunately took her life in January to which I was the one who had to explain that to Karma. They curse of having friends who date online (i have no opinion on that) is that sometimes other people become a middleman. If I recall correctly Que passed away January 16, Karma passed away February 17. As my birthday is less than a month and the anniversaries of their death are coming up I guess I feel a sense of selfishness surrounding them not being here.
I think about them a lot, their talent, their selflessness, their raw ability to not sugar coat things. They took the world as they saw it and made it their workshop.
I don’t really bother talking about it much because I don’t want to burden others with my own personal bullshit but carrying this weight with me sucks. I don’t think a day goes by where I don’t think about them.
I wish I could’ve done something different, I wish I could’ve been there to talk to them or do something to try but i just wasn’t. I guess I’m sort of selfish for thinking that after saying it out loud.
I just wish I could’ve done something for them other than make sure their legacy is not forgotten.

Sunday made 1 year of Liv being gone. I can hardly get out of bed and I am miserable. I want to die but I know I can’t. i’ve barely been clean for 6 months from self harm and honestly i could easily break that any second. My own accomplishments mean nothing to me in that way but I can’t handle the look of disappointment my parents and family get on their face when they notice it.
I’ve not felt a hug a real hug or any sort of physical human touch pretty much ever. I’m a super physically affectionate (hugs mainly) person and that fucking sucks. I am incredibly lonely and i havent had a personal or real conversation in a long time. i’m honestly so stressed over school and my home life.

I want to just find someone who i can cry with and talk to and not be a burden with. im so incredibly depressed because i have no one to talk to ever.
I’ve been out of therapy since the second week of august because my insurance is messed up and it doesnt help that this time of year sucks. it fucking sucks.

i dont know how to handle this and i just want to break.


#2

This is the circumstance of hurting. When you are suffering it becomes hard to deal with. When you hurt because someone you care about was and now isn’t. The memories become bitter sweet. You feel helpless, one reason was because your bond with them wasn’t enough for them. You’re not sure if you could do anything for them that will have them wanting to live. When others seem to have ways of harming you even by harming themselves. You wish you cold live isolated so you can’t hurt.
You expect that with time when they are gone that somehow the pain goes away or hope that the silence of their voices will help you forget they existed. So you forget and can finally stop the suffering.
The pain doesn’t go away. It might dull with time but never enough and though there be days you might not think about them always near their birthdays, a place that they impacted your life bringing you together or God-forbid the day they die will arise their memory and remind you of the pain.
It is Harsh. It wounds you to the point of breaking.
Know this that no matter the outcome. They have never regretted being close to you when they were alive.
They cared about you as much as you cared about them. I hope you know this and that it helps leviates some of the hurt.


#3

I totally relate to this