Its a new year. Yay. Just listened to bastille pompeii as is my tradition for the past two years . First and foremost I want to wish you a lot of happiness, health and good luck in the next year. Hopefuly it will be better than the last two. It would be really good if 2022 was 2022 and not 2020 season 3. I suppose a lot of us thought about the future in the last couple of days. I usually do and I know that a lot of other people do so too in this time of year. Thinking about the last year and the next one is kind of natural in these days I think. This post is going to be just me summarizing my thoughts. It will also contain a lot of personal stuff so be ware of that. It might be a bit longer than my usuall posts so I am sorry for that and I will understand if youfind it too exhausting to read. Trust me it is ok . Here are also some TW: Suicidal thoughts, Depression,
Well…where do I start. The past. The first few months of 2021 were super shitty. Maybe because the last few months of 2020 were super shitty too. Well it is hard to say what was the exact start of my downward spiral. But I remember the first sign that the next year is going to be shitty. I think it wasthe beginning of August. I had to go to one smaller city in a country where I live by train because I had to book an ubication in the colleage where I wanted to study. It was one of those days where everything played against you. I had to catch the train early in the morning. The train had a delay. I was under a lot of stress because I was afraid I wouldnt make it there in time so I would be screwed. Also the bus that I was supposed to take did not go that day for some reason so I had to run… Well… I guess you have and Idea. But I had done everything I needed. So I was pretty proud of myself. I remember being pretty optimistic about the future that day (XDDDDDDD). That was the day when things got fucked up even more later on. I will post the whole story one day but not today. But I guess that was the first day that hinted what will be coming. The things that had let me to trying to kill myself a few months after.
Ok so a lot of bad things happened. Yep pretty much. But that is in the past. What about the future. To be honest. I dont expect much from the future. I dont think I will be ever truly happy and lead a meaningful existence. I dont see myself going somewhere or moving towards a goal. There is no goal in mind. I have goals yes but those are not goals that I desire. Those are goals given to me or goals that I gave myself to have goals. I said I wanted to study psychology. I dont think it is because I would truly wanted to though. I is one of the few things I would no be bored out of my mind studying and also I know a thing or two about it. The truth is I am tired unmotivated and numb. It is not the fact that I dont have discipline. I can be disciplined. I can do a lot of things even tho I dont want to. But quite frankly I am tired of that.
This post is already a mess… Oh well. Honestly I am just using this point in time when my mind is realatively clear to write this mess. Thoughts are messy. That is how they are. Anyway here are my thoughts about depression that no one asked for. When I am depressed the slightest failiure or trigger can cause a spiral. Like… a person called me a dummy. My brain: Here are all the times that person has called you a dummy. That person thinks I am stupid and dislikes me. I dislike that person now. Yep. It does not really make that much sence and it is pretty violent thought process. Many people would called this illogical. But the problem is their logic many times only last so long as they are argumenting on the illogical things depression makes us do and not the other way around.
When it comes to their reasoning on living. Oh boy. Person 1: “I cant seem te get happy.” Person 2: “Do you enjoy. eating?” Person 1: “Yeah eating is ok.” Person 2: “See you can enjoy things. Life is worth living.” I mean if one bad thing does not make things terrible than how does one decent thing make them good? The struggle against the world and our own nature and mind is tiring. We keep on going yes but why. The hope things get better.Hope is usually portraid as a good thing but what if it is not. A blind belief that things will get better without any evidence what so ever? What if hope is foolish. Schopenhauer compared life to a prison. Nobody chose to be here and we are heavily discouraged by our own biology and society to leave until our time. I guess there is this lingering question. What is the point of our struggle.
When it comes to me. It is hard to find any real reason to go on except for the fact that by leaving i would hurt the poeple that are dear to me and also because leaving this world take a lot of energy and preparation. I usually hear this opinion that people who commit suicide because they are in pain. That they are in an inescapable situation from which only death seems to lead somewhere. This might seem true but at least for me it is only half the truth. My desire to die does not go away when I am no longer in pain. I have thought of an example that will let me explain this. Lets say that you want to buy a new car. But the old one is doing fine even though a new one would be better but a new one is expensive and you dont want to spent money etc. Then one day the old car breaks down and you know it is time to buy a new car. It is not like it is a new idea. That idea was there but now there is a reason for you to overcome those obstacles.
When it comes to depression there are better and worse days. there is a day when you want to die but then you have a good coffee. See your favorite movie and say ok not today. life is not that bad. But then something happends and you know that the bad had just become bad enough to overcome those self preservation instincts.This is how chronic suicidality feels like at least for me. Mann this is a Loooong ramble. Originaly wanted to post something different but look where we have gotten ourselves. Well I guess this is it. I hope you have a good new year and didnt let my existential rumbling let in the way. Happy new year to you all. Wow ok my mind feels a bit foggy.Maybe not as clear as I thought. Should I post this? Well… Might delete later so why not. I know some of you may be dissapointed in me and i am sorry. i just… This is how things feel to me…