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Long Rumble

Hi everyone
Its a new year. Yay. Just listened to bastille pompeii as is my tradition for the past two years :upside_down_face:. First and foremost I want to wish you a lot of happiness, health and good luck in the next year. Hopefuly it will be better than the last two. It would be really good if 2022 was 2022 and not 2020 season 3. I suppose a lot of us thought about the future in the last couple of days. I usually do and I know that a lot of other people do so too in this time of year. Thinking about the last year and the next one is kind of natural in these days I think. This post is going to be just me summarizing my thoughts. It will also contain a lot of personal stuff so be ware of that. It might be a bit longer than my usuall posts so I am sorry for that and I will understand if youfind it too exhausting to read. Trust me it is ok :wink:. Here are also some TW: Suicidal thoughts, Depression,

Well…where do I start. The past. The first few months of 2021 were super shitty. Maybe because the last few months of 2020 were super shitty too. Well it is hard to say what was the exact start of my downward spiral. But I remember the first sign that the next year is going to be shitty. I think it wasthe beginning of August. I had to go to one smaller city in a country where I live by train because I had to book an ubication in the colleage where I wanted to study. It was one of those days where everything played against you. I had to catch the train early in the morning. The train had a delay. I was under a lot of stress because I was afraid I wouldnt make it there in time so I would be screwed. Also the bus that I was supposed to take did not go that day for some reason so I had to run… Well… I guess you have and Idea. But I had done everything I needed. So I was pretty proud of myself. I remember being pretty optimistic about the future that day (XDDDDDDD). That was the day when things got fucked up even more later on. I will post the whole story one day but not today. But I guess that was the first day that hinted what will be coming. The things that had let me to trying to kill myself a few months after.

Ok so a lot of bad things happened. Yep pretty much. But that is in the past. What about the future. To be honest. I dont expect much from the future. I dont think I will be ever truly happy and lead a meaningful existence. I dont see myself going somewhere or moving towards a goal. There is no goal in mind. I have goals yes but those are not goals that I desire. Those are goals given to me or goals that I gave myself to have goals. I said I wanted to study psychology. I dont think it is because I would truly wanted to though. I is one of the few things I would no be bored out of my mind studying and also I know a thing or two about it. The truth is I am tired unmotivated and numb. It is not the fact that I dont have discipline. I can be disciplined. I can do a lot of things even tho I dont want to. But quite frankly I am tired of that.

This post is already a mess… Oh well. Honestly I am just using this point in time when my mind is realatively clear to write this mess. Thoughts are messy. That is how they are. Anyway here are my thoughts about depression that no one asked for. When I am depressed the slightest failiure or trigger can cause a spiral. Like… a person called me a dummy. My brain: Here are all the times that person has called you a dummy. That person thinks I am stupid and dislikes me. I dislike that person now. Yep. It does not really make that much sence and it is pretty violent thought process. Many people would called this illogical. But the problem is their logic many times only last so long as they are argumenting on the illogical things depression makes us do and not the other way around.

When it comes to their reasoning on living. Oh boy. Person 1: “I cant seem te get happy.” Person 2: “Do you enjoy. eating?” Person 1: “Yeah eating is ok.” Person 2: “See you can enjoy things. Life is worth living.” I mean if one bad thing does not make things terrible than how does one decent thing make them good? The struggle against the world and our own nature and mind is tiring. We keep on going yes but why. The hope things get better.Hope is usually portraid as a good thing but what if it is not. A blind belief that things will get better without any evidence what so ever? What if hope is foolish. Schopenhauer compared life to a prison. Nobody chose to be here and we are heavily discouraged by our own biology and society to leave until our time. I guess there is this lingering question. What is the point of our struggle.

When it comes to me. It is hard to find any real reason to go on except for the fact that by leaving i would hurt the poeple that are dear to me and also because leaving this world take a lot of energy and preparation. I usually hear this opinion that people who commit suicide because they are in pain. That they are in an inescapable situation from which only death seems to lead somewhere. This might seem true but at least for me it is only half the truth. My desire to die does not go away when I am no longer in pain. I have thought of an example that will let me explain this. Lets say that you want to buy a new car. But the old one is doing fine even though a new one would be better but a new one is expensive and you dont want to spent money etc. Then one day the old car breaks down and you know it is time to buy a new car. It is not like it is a new idea. That idea was there but now there is a reason for you to overcome those obstacles.

When it comes to depression there are better and worse days. there is a day when you want to die but then you have a good coffee. See your favorite movie and say ok not today. life is not that bad. But then something happends and you know that the bad had just become bad enough to overcome those self preservation instincts.This is how chronic suicidality feels like at least for me. Mann this is a Loooong ramble. Originaly wanted to post something different but look where we have gotten ourselves. Well I guess this is it. I hope you have a good new year and didnt let my existential rumbling let in the way. Happy new year to you all. Wow ok my mind feels a bit foggy.Maybe not as clear as I thought. Should I post this? Well… Might delete later so why not. I know some of you may be dissapointed in me and i am sorry. i just… This is how things feel to me…

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we’re never gonna be disappointed with you or doubt how brave it is to write down these thoughts and then also share them. I hope the fog lifted and this allowed you to get some stuff out of your head.

i may not respond to many posts (that’s my inside joke with you hehe) but i’ll respond ot this one :smiley:
You matter to us, i’m glad you’re still here with us, and I’m grateful everyday for the love and support you show everyone here and how you try to lift us all up, daily. You matter friend :smiley: and we all care very much about you.

May all our 2022s be peaceful, successful, and filled with joy and happiness.

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I can totally relate with you about getting into a spiral when someone makes a comment, and it’s annoying how the negative comments stick more than the positive ones.
I hope you come to feel that the reason people would hurt from losing you is because of how much value you have in their life and how much they love you. You deserve a lot more than what you’ve been experiencing and feeling.
I see how much you encourage others and how you’re always there to share such amazing messages and posts and I always hope that one day I can impact people the way you do!
Thanks for being here and I hope that this year life gets a little easier x

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I just put this quote on my profile here a couple days ago, because it sounds encouraging to most people right?

Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse. Suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

I 100% connect to your post. This statement to me means that I have to keep suffering, keep living in fear of myself, fear of living every single day like this. When will things get better? Do I have the energy to stick around and find out? I don’t know…

Like you said,

You are not nor will you ever be a disappointment to me, Ashwell. I respect and value you 10000000% :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Bimini :slightly_smiling_face:
Thank you for your kind words.

Wow…Em… Well I have supported people on the wall and I am in a swat team but honestly there a far more active members than me. @Sita @Micro @Wings @Lisaw1973 @Mystrose. I try to support people and give them advice and hear them out and I know that means a lot but honestly it is the people who need to do the heavy lifting. Bimini just by carrying your burdens you are very strong. In many ways you might be better than me. You are better than me in ways you might not realize. :slightly_smiling_face:

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nope
nope
nopeeeeeersss

i’m not letting you get away with this post, friend!!
you WILL not say that there are others who do more than you, or are more active. I will not let you diminish your contribution like that. No sir, that is not gonna be done!

There’s also no “better than me”. Loving and supporting others is not a competition here, and I will not let anyone here try to downplay their role in literally making people laugh and feel safe and heard. You do an amazing job at this @Ashwell , might be hard to take the compliment, but I’m gonna say it. You matter, you have much value, and we all care about you.

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I’m definitely no better than anyone, and your value is definitely not subject to anyone else’s accomplishments. You are uniquely you and are absolutely treasured as such!
Being supportive and caring is just as valuable no matter how active others may be.
You’re noticed and appreciated!
And that’s straight facts

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I know Sita I know :upside_down_face:

I just. I was just kind of stunned by Biminis comment. I know that me supporting people matters as well as you or anybody else…

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okay good, once you really know, lol :slight_smile:

Sita, standing down (for noww) lol .

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In high school there was a classroom full of “motivational” quotes. One year we had our first lesson there on Wednesday which was a very long school day. One of the most visible quotes was “Don’t worry the best is yet to come”… the person who designed that was an idiot…

Thank you Mystrose for your kind words. :slightly_smiling_face:

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I agree with you @Ashwell, once someone opens up and is willing to make some lasting improvement in their life - they are doing the hard work. The person who responds to them is only a passenger, a witness reminding them some needed truths and holding a light for them to find their way. They make the steps though. They decide. They own their life and their bravery. Just like you do, right here, right now.

The people you have tagged and myself are individuals in a community, and this community can only exist thanks to every single person being part of it, active or lurking, and regardless of how much or how frequently they would like to talk - or not. How many posts someone responds to every day, every week, every month - is bullshit. It is not the reflection of someone’s heart. More of their availability and personal time.

I’ve personnally been here for a while now and regularly active, but I will never become more or less worthy whether I decide to not be here tomorrow or to keep doing the same for years and years. It is the same for everyone. We just happen to be here. We spend our time as we decide. Our paths cross the ones of so many and we share life together. It is the life at play that matters and the quality of heart that’s in it. Not the numbers, not the titles, not the visibility nor the commitment of anyone.

The day this place becomes one where worthiness would be tied to effectiveness or involvment, then it would need to close its doors because it would have failed massively.

You my friend, are worthy of love and care, because you are. Because you exist. Because you have breath in your lungs. Not because of what you would do or say. Nothing more, nothing less. Everything else is only further appreciation and affection. And yes, @Bimini shared some straight facts indeed. :wink:

Love you friend. I’m glad you are a part of my life, because you’re a beautiful person to get to know.

PS - I had to go with my own rant, yo. :hrtspegnate:

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Thank you Micro. :wink:
I am glad to know you too. Wow don’t you want candidate for a president of heartsupport or something because I can totally picture you saying “

And the crowd be like. Yeahhhhhh. Microoo! :grin:
Seriously this was the image in my mind. :slightly_smiling_face:

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That’s absolutely beautiful and very true.

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