Looking For Help

Two months ago I came home from a 5 month mission trip were I lived in both Mexico and Peru. All my life I have struggled with my mental health between depression, anxiety, insomnia, eating disorder, self harm and suicidal thoughts. I have never been treated for it because of my parents believe that struggles with mental health is just a lack of faith in God, often as a kid I would be told I just needed to pray harder.

I do not believe this at all btw these lies led me to hate God and Christians for a long time and it took experiencing the love of Jesus Christ for myself to undo the damage that my family did (I digress). In the time that I was living in mexico as a missionary I was the most stable I had ever been in my life. It was by far the healthiest I have ever been mentally and in my relationship with Christ.

When I got home I expected that this feeling of feeling some what stable would continue, and for the first few weeks it did. In this last month though I feel like I have been spiraling out of control. I didn’t realize how much harder it is going to be without that constant healthy community of loving people around me. I have had to move back in with my parents till the end of September when I will be moving back to live in mexico.

In this time Iv fallen back into depression and an eating disorder and know haven’t slept more then 2-3 hours a night for the last 2 weeks. I keep in touch with my friends (more like family) that I lived with when I was a missionary and they started expressing there concern and recommended that I go and see a doctor.

In the doctors appointment I was very honest about what was going on and included my past struggles and my doctor said that she has a feeling that I might be bipolar. she referred me to a psychiatrist to be more for sure but said that I display all the “classic” symptoms for bipolar disorder. I don’t know much about bipolar other then the fact that my ex boyfriend had it and he was extremely abusive. to be honest I am really scared to be diagnosed with this because of the abuse from my ex. Also because I am on my parents insurance i know that I will eventually i’ll have to talk to them about this.

I’m afraid that they will get angry will kick me out of the house. I have been leaning a lot on my church community my friends have been helping me a lot through this and are the reason I haven’t fully gone off the deep end. A couple of them said that if my parents do kick me out that I could stay with them, that’s been encouraging. I feel so scared of the unknown right know and am afraid of being diagnosed with bipolar because of the association with my ex. I know that God works everything out to good even when everything feels like its falling apart. I am trying to trust in that but am having such a hard time trusting/ focusing on anything because everything in my head feels like static.

Bipolar disorders don’t discriminate, it doesn’t care who you are. Your ex boyfriend had it, and he was terrible to you, but don’t let that change your mindset. Your heart burns strong, and you can decide who you are, despite being cornered in by these disorders and sadness and hurt.
We’re here to anchor you and support you. I believe in you. Your family may not understand you, but that’s just their opinion, there’s nothing wrong with you. Absolutely nothing. If they kick you out and leave you, that’s their problem and loss. You may be hurt by it, but you can survive, I know you can.
You can’t change anything in the past, and the future doesn’t really exist. Live and focus in the now, the unknown will become known to you, and you can deal with whatever comes your way.

Stay strong <3