So, today I got pretty pissed off. And Kovu told me I should go to the forum about it, as I am unsure what to think, and he wants me to find understanding outside the system.
So. First off, someone joked about suicide to me. And that got me fucking livid for a good 8 hours before bed. It affected me so much because it wasn’t just about a random person, it was about someone I care about that is very clearly going through shit and it shouldn’t be joked about that you’d “make them commit suicide” by doing a certain thing to trigger that. I don’t care if it was a joke, it’s absolutely fucked up and just shows how apathetic this person is about the topic of suicide. And then they have the nerve to fucking tell me to “not cut myself” when I pick up a random sharp object like I’m going to just slice my fucking throat from ear to ear out of the blue. Like what do you fucking take me as? Yea I have scars but do you think I’m just going to kill myself because “oh depression = kill yourself”. Do you not understand that we are just people who go through very deep fucking issues and traumas and we fucking grow from it. And after that we try our best not to hurt ourselves when we get better because said shitbags like you want to call us out as “edgy” or “weak” for relapsing because we have a fucking mental illness. What do you fucking take depressed and suicidal people with any mental fucking issue as? We aren’t a fucking joke.
Because of this anger I have I can’t tell whether I’m just seeing the worst in someone or I’m pissed off for a very good fucking reason. I don’t know if I’m being a pessimistic asshole or I’m just pissed off at charasmatic douches who say “Oh they don’t do that with me, I guess people just like me alot” with a smirk after I talk about people being a dick to me or other people and them having the opposite situation. And this is the same person of course. That I stupidly wanted to be friends with for the sole reason of comfort for those past wholesome friendships I’ve never gotten to have. Because they seemed like a wholesome person on the outside. Though on the inside I could tell something was off of course.
And you know, I wouldn’t be pissed off by that comment if not it were for you literally purposefully rubbing in my face the fact that “people like me so much” when you mention people in general or a person I like, with a little smirk like you want to sound like a douche, like you want to see me hurt. Like you’re completely aware of how fucking egotistical and self absorbed and up your own ass you sound. And about the person I like, it really is none of my fucking buisness, but then you brag being close to this person and purposefully bring it up to me? Like you know and you want me to get upset? And then you want to be my friend after hurting me? Are you fucking serious? Like I don’t give a shit about other people’s buissness in life but if you’re purposely going to rub it in my face that you can make friends easier than me or simply “make” people like you, I’m going to be fucking pissed off. In the first place you don’t even know where you stand with people anyways, acting like they’re fucking objects. Even knowing that though, the words still hurt. I’m going to fucking feel like shit. What do you expect from me? You’re purposefully being self absorbed to me it’s going to cause a fucking human reaction. And then you have the nerve to twist everything I said to “oh so now I’m a narssacist because they like me?” Really? You’re gonna blow that low m8? You’re a fucking narsassist because you talk about people like they’re fucking trophies to win. You know how fucked up that is? You really think there’s nothing wrong with you? Because I could guess a good handful of a few fucking things.
You literally took pride in the idea of me missing you because someone joked that I cried, which was a fucking joke. But you’re so self absorbed you beleived it and kept bringing that shit up to me? And idc if people like you say “oh it’s a joke”. If you’re gonna clearly act like you beleive it, EVEN AFTER I tell you multiple times it wasn’t true and there was no reason to beleive that, you still do? Yea. You’re a self absorbed prick. And then you make comments about people like they’re an entertaining book to read? Again. We aren’t fucking objects. You don’t act like that to a person unless they are dangerous. And even then you need undeniable evidence. Don’t treat people like a fucking game, whether it’s friends or love or whatever the fuck is going on in your weird freakish little head. You don’t fucking talk To, or About, Humans like that. You can be curious yes, but you don’t treat it like a game.
And you know I didn’t want to see this person as Bad, I actually wanted to make a friend for once, because the seemed okay, aside from an odd feeling I had that turned out to be true. What am I supposed to do if they want to make it so obvious to me? I mean there is no excuse for these actions. Absolutely no excuse. You could defiently say "oh it’s because I’m young and stupid " or “well you got what I meant compeltley wrong and now you’re only seeing the negative in me” Well bro, what the fuck do you expect? You’re gaslighting yourself at that point.
Shit why do the people I want to be friends with always turn out to be fucking narsassistic? Fuck people man. All I want is to find a friend that genuinely cares about people but all I find is people with a fucking god complex. I hate it.
And I would love to chat in the discord but I’m fucking blocked from main chat for a good bit, but maybe for good reason because I do tend to be a passionately emotional person if chat gets sad or big bad or whatever. I speak my mind you know?
I just wanted to know from someone outside the system if I’m seeing everyone in only negatives or they actually did something bad. I mean Kovu tells me its undeniably unacceptable, but idk if I’m seeing negatives, but then again idk this person very well, they may be fun to talk to but this is all that they show me when it comes to getting to know them. I can’t trust it. Idk if this is trust issues or toxicity. I just want to know.