Losing a little optimism

so i’m studying abroad in germany. i’ve been here for a month sorting everything out. felt like everything went wrong and wasn’t sure i’d be able to do it all. but i did! and i started feeling a bit better! like, maybe i can do this. maybe i can take this time to study hard and improve my german and really feel fulfilled.

but as school is starting this week, i’ve lost that feeling. im running into more issues that feel like soft punches to the brain. last week i was able to channel some of my restless, anxious energy into small things that might help, like writing down a to-do list, answering emails, asking questions, etc. but today a wave has hit me where it feels like i won’t be able to keep up with the german in my classes, or all that comes with studying abroad. i feel dumb, honestly. i hate when people ask me about my college journey, or how long i’ve been studying german, because i get embarrassed. I feel like i should be so much better than i am.

it just feels like i can’t get more than 30% of the way to mastering something. video games, german, art, making music, etc. i just hit a ceiling that feels unmovable and unique to me (of course I feel alone in this…). i just don’t understand how i can hear and see so much of the german language and still can’t really create the language on an advanced level. but it feels too late now, it feels like i can’t really dive into stumbling through the language unapologetically as a senior in college. i should already have stumbled. typing that is so embarrassing, and maybe im exaggerating. but i feel like a god damn idiot for a senior in college. it just feels like there’s nothing i can do. like there’s just a barrier there that i don’t even know if anything can break it.

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Hello nhall2000 :slightly_smiling_face:
You are not dumb you just have some struggles that are very specific to you. I think it might be connected to some kind of learning disability but that is just a wild guess. In your place I would try to visit a specialist, explain your problem to them and ask them to make some tests. It might reveal the nature of the problem you have and some ways to deal with it. If you feel sad and anxious they might also recommend some antistress pills or antidepressants. I think your problems have solutions but you have to get help assesing the nature of your problems so you know how to deal with them. Dont give up just yet, your ride is not ever. Seek the help you need and your life will improve greatly. I wish you a lot of luck on your way. :slightly_smiling_face:

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thank u :slight_smile: i’ve never even considered a learning disability. im gonna keep that in mind and do some reflecting/researching.

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Great. :slightly_smiling_face: We often think that there is something wrong with us that is unfixable like I am stupid or I am lazy but that in most cases is simply not true. There are many health connected issues that might cause us problems. I know a case of a girl who was told she is a “slower child” and was put in a special school. Than she was adopted by some kind people and they discovered that she was not seeing very well and she needed strong glasses. Her learning abilities improved by 100% almost over night. I encourage you to do some reflecting/researching and seek the help you need. :slightly_smiling_face:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)

Hi Friend Thank you for posting, I found your post very sad, it’s very hard to read posts from people that are so very hard on themselves when I am 100% certain that even though I have never met you, you are far from dumb or an idiot and its such a shame that you might even label yourself as such. You may not be perfect but who is? I see you have had struggles and it is quite possible that could be down to a learning difficultly as Ashwell has stated and I would certainly have a good think about that because we all need to know so that we can manage them accordingly. I would like to see you relax a bit to be honest, it appears to me that you are getting so stressed about not being good enough that is affecting what you are doing and possibly making it even harder. Please try to take some time out, be kind to yourself, instead of attacking yourself give yourself some grace, breathe and then go back. In the meantime. You are a smart, wonderful human being, you just need to learn to love yourself more. Take care and please keep in touch and let us know how things are going. Much Love Lisa.

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Oh @nhall2000, anxiety can be such a huge, huge obstacle that freezes us suddenly. You’ve described it so very well. Sometimes we have this momentum and we’re actually ale to do tasks that fulfill it. But then suddenly a crack is opened by another obstacle and we feel overwhelmed by all these things that seemed possible to overcome before become absolutely unbearable. It’s a vicious cycle. And honestly, I’ve found myself in it many times while being a student. I felt like a constant fraud and was prone to doubts over and over. So whenever I felt like something was too much to handle, I was suddenly overwhelmed by all these doubts I had about myself, and ended up doing nothing instead of even trying. If we are convinced that we are going to fail anyway, then it gets hard to see the point of even trying and give ourselves a chance.

But… you do deserve that chance, Nhall. You really do. And I’m sure you know it already, but it doesn’t have to be perfect to be good. You can’t fail as long as you try. You can only learn. Eventually, you woudn’t reach your goals when you want, but still you would learn from these experiences too. The worst injustice would be to stay stuck in this idea that you should be better than you do, and as a result preventing yourself from trying to learn and actually get better in the areas you’d like to. It’s a bit of a paradox. One that has at its core the way you see yourself. But I get it. It’s hard to accept that things can be imperfect. That we don’t have to master everything. That we can have flaws and be successful or reach our dreams/goals.

As for the german language - do you think it is your perception of it, or is it a fair observation? Feeling like an idiot is one thing. But trying to see if you really have the level required or not is another one. Is there any test, service or person at your college who could help you figure that out?

I would like to add two things. First: it takes so much strength to study abroad and with a different language! Seriously! You haven’t been there by mistake: it’s also because you have what it takes to do that. So it’s scary and very unfamiliar. But it’s something that not everyone would do! This is part of your qualities too. Resilience, thriving, jumping into the unknown. That’s far from being nothing. It’s part of strengths that you own, friend!
Secondly: it is totally find to be a 30% mastering person. I’m like that too… because I’m too curious and have too many interests at the same time. Some people are like that. Others would dedicate their entir elife into one or two things only and aim an insane level of knowledge and such. Both are okay. Both are fine. Both have pros and cons. But it certainly doesn’t make you less than anyone! You just explore life differently. You nourrish your own curiosity. That’s amazing! Never feel ashamed for being a certain way just because we live in a world that prone and values people who are so called “experts” of something. They just happened to explore life in a different way.

You are enough as you are. Keep giving yourself the chance you deserve. Keep trying while feeling the discomfort and fear of failing. It is through these renewed actions that you will prove to these thoughts that they were wrong. That you will prove to yourself how amazing and capable you are.

I believe in you. Hold Fast. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you, I instantly started crying. It really is a vicious cycle that seems to refresh almost weekly. I think that my perception of my german skills are partially true and partially false. im probably much better than i think, but there is, of course, definitely room to improve. I think my insecurity takes up so much space in my brain that actually speaking the language doesnt really have a chance to show itself.

i changed my classes around that im not in super small classes, where i can be singled out, which i dont think i can handle right now. my goal is to work really hard in classes where i can just sit and listen. i might have to pretend i have a podcast when im at home to practice a bit of my own speaking skills, but im happy with this solution.

thank u again, feels like a hug

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getting so stressed about being enough is DEFINITELY making everything harder hahah.

this was a nice reminder to be kinder to myself, which is somehow so easy to forget!

thank u

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